Should orcs have only one eye? Should they bob their heads as if pigeons to achieve depth perception? Recent orc discourse which led me to the game Big Gay Orcs by Grant Howitt claims yes.
Link to game here: https://gshowitt.itch.io/big-gay-orcs
So it's not that gay.
Ugly Bastard has a reputation for furiousity, yet on the inside he's fearful. He is a master weaponsmith, and his driving motivation is to become the next warlord of the horde, since the previous warlord was assassinated.
There are five named NPCs in the fortress (and some unknown and insignificant number of nameless other orcs):
-Furbog the wilderness ranger
-Dalthu the omen-scryer
-Stugbu the warlord's ex-bodyguard
-Hoknuk the beast-speaker
-Varthug the axe-thrower sergeant
Now for Ugly Bastard's relationships with them:
-UB despises Furbog for witnessing a moment of UB's cowardice
-UB respects Dalthu for his ambition
-UB is jealous of Stugbu for his close relationship with the previous warlord
-UB despises Hoknuk for not giving him a cool war-beast to ride
-UB is frustrated by Varthug for refusing his advances
Bloodripper Bastion is the last obstacle between the armies massing on the horizon and their orc-city, presumably where they keep the orc-women. Between certain death and being nagged by those friggin broads they face an impossible choice. Dusk is falling. They will not see the dawn.
Ugly Bastard has spent the last few days hammering out some last arrowheads for the Bastion's defense. He's bored, he's sweaty, he's terrified. He chugs some fermented sow-milk, and decides he wants to die without regrets. He decides to hit on Varthug, that tease.
It's a partial success - Varthug agrees to go behind the barracks to touch butts. However, UB's reputation for furiousity works against him: Varthug doesn't want to be sore for when the fighting kicks off. Scared of rejection, UB shows a tender side, and Varthug gets +1 mark against UB - that'll be bad if Varthug dies or flees. In the afterglow UB gets 2 hope, leaving him with a total of 22. If his hope runs out it's game over.
While UB and Varthug were canoodling, an event kicks off. Because UB didn't do anything to protect the fortress the event's a bit worse than it otherwise would have been. Stugbu flees against the rays of the setting sun. The guy didn't have any marks on Ugly Bastard, so UB doesn't really care.
With Stugbu - one of the Bastion's best fighters - gone, the mood darkens. Where there is talk, it is most often of who was expected to flee next. Still riding high from his hook-up with Varthug, UB ignores this, and goes to propose un petit peu de frottage (as the French say) with Dalthu.
Dalthu agrees, but only on the condition that afterwards Ugly Bastard do something to help with the Bastion's defense. While they are getting it on, Hoknuk gathers his wargs and beast-riders charge out the gates for a suicide attack, which accomplishes nothing because Hoknuk is chienne faite (as the French say). Post-nut clarity hits UB and Dalthu hard - UB realizes he should build barricades or something, and Dalthu regrets letting his dick do the thinking for him.
The sun fully disappeared beneath enemy lines, Ugly Bastard dismantles furniture and other non-essentials to shore up the gate and create barricades for fall-back positions should the gate fall. He gets the fortifications up solidly and in decent time, but shivers the whole time as he hears the sounds of Hoknuk and his sally getting slaughtered, revealing his fear to Furbog, Varthug, and many other orcs besides.
Unbeknownst to any, an enchanter in the enemy camp ensorcells Varthug's heart, using his loss of respect for Ugly Bastard as the chink to get in.
Ashamed, unmanned, and desperately needing a distraction, Ugly Bastard propositions Furbog. Furbog taunts him, laughing in his face and demanding to know where UB's infamous battle-rage had gone. Ugly Bastard cries and goes to hide in a pile of hay. He loses 2 hope from the experience, leaving him at 20.
While UB is sulking, a couple goblins return from Hoknuk's valiant charge with an injured enemy in tow. The cheers upon the goblins' return rouse UB from his hiding place. He decides that if goblins can be war-heroes, then he can win over Furbog.
In fact he does! UB and Furbog make out in a puddle of mud by the boar pens, restoring a whopping 4 hope. Unfortunately and inconsequentially (given their impending deaths) UB also contracts oral herpes from the encounter.
In a stunning display of lack of inter-departmental communication, an arrow sails over the wall and nails Varthug in the neck, taking out the enemy's man on the inside. UB and Furbog are making eyes at each other and returning to the main force as this happens. UB is left stunned, as he had caught feelings for Varthug. He loses 7 hope, leaving him with 17 remaining.
Wanting to forget the horrid sight of his one-time lover drowning in his own blood, Ugly Bastard drinks some more fermented sow-milk and barges into the hall of omens, raring to "tie the knot" with Dalthu (as the dogs say). Dalthu, against his better judgement, agrees, but at the same time castigates Ugly Bastard for both his avoidance of the siege and his rampant horniness. At this point the mélange of extreme emotions in so short a time had almost completely fried Ugly Bastard's brain, so this scolding only made UB fall for Dalthu more. Together the orcs suffer the little death, preparing them somewhat for the big death that was soon to follow. Enemy forces muster around Bloodripper Bastion as they lie in each other's arms. The experience restores 5 hope to UB.
Starting to really feel the fermented sow-milk now, Ugly Bastard double fists two bottles more and mounts the stairs up to the ballista. He chugs them while firing off bolts wildly at the enemy. He misses every single one, and the orcs who witness it agree: Ugly Bastard isn't furious, he's crazy and stupid. Reaching back for another bolt and missing entirely, UB tumbles off the ballista-tower and crashes through a wagon at its base. Bruised, cracked, and full of splinters, UB takes 5 damage to his hope, leaving him at 17 again.
It was a lucky break, as these things go, as moments after falling an enemy siege engine provoked by UB's wild fire blasts the tower to pieces. He loses another point of hope as debris rains around him (remaining total 16).
Basically feral at this point, Ugly Bastard decides to clamber over the wall and just start shanking dudes. He gets a few, but overall this was a poorly thought-out plan, and he just barely gets back to the bastion alive with 9 hope left and quite a few new bloody wounds.
He really shouldn't have bothered coming back, because while he was out and fucking about the enemy's main force breached the gate and slaughtered his comrades. When Ugly Bastard witnesses this he falls to his knees and doesn't even resist as squad of spearmen stab him through the heart, his soul as dry as his balls.
To recap the fates of our characters:
-Ugly Bastard: Speared many times over while bleeding out
-Furbog: Killed by invaders after gate was breached (times hooked up with: 1)
-Dalthu: Killed by invaders after gate was breached (times hooked up with: 2)
-Stugbu: Fled the Bastion (times hooked up with: 0)
-Hoknuk: Dead by suicide charge (times hooked up with: 0)
-Varthug: Took an arrow to the neck (times hooked up with: 1)
In Review:
Happy Pride Month.
Bonus: Orc Fortress Name Generator
See? I told you it could be used to create something beautiful!
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