This axe is [axetype], and it has [axehas].<br>This axe's name is [axename].<br>This axe leaves [axeleaves].<br>This axe was forged [axeforged].<br>This axe is destined [axedestined].<br>If this axe's destiny is avoided for too long, [axeavoid].
{axetype} a doloire a nzappa zap a francisca a parashu a labrys a hatchet
{axehas} a head shaped like a snarling beast a haft wrapped in scarlet silk ribbons a low growl about it that rumbles the bones when held anything reflected in its metal shown as ruined and scorched a wavy spike jutting from its eye sharp talons on its knob
{axeleaves} wounds that speak and boast of its bearer's deeds the hand that wields it forevermore stained a vivid red trails of forge-sparks like fireflies in its wake all those who've laid eyes on it incapable of making music for a day and a night. Songbirds caw like crows, bards croak the skeletons of its slain victims slowly warping into bony, brambly bushes the pain of its bite fresh in the minds of its victims. Should they survive encountering the axe only to witness it again, their old wounds will cry out anew
{axeforged} in the pooled light of a blood moon, in otherwise total darkness by a trio of oracles, one blind, one deaf, and one mute in the flows of an erupting volcano cold in the ashes of a city put to the torch by the drowned dead in the black fire of an abyssal smoker by an orphan and a widow whose family three generations over was stolen from her by war
{axedestined} to be wielded in a duel by its bearer to kill or be killed by their father or son to one day sever all the hands that ever held it to be used in a crime that will get its wielder declared a pariah, outlawed and exiled to cleave the chains keeping a great beast from ravaging the world to be wielded by a warlord to carve out a new order from the old to part a crowned head from royal shoulders
{axeavoid} a storm will gather and strengthen around it until the earth is burned, flooded, and flattened, and the axe is flung to distant parts joy will fade from its bearer's life, except when they receive a drug-like rush for killing with it their flesh will stiffen until they're rendered motionless and become a tree rooted to the spot it will curse its bearer with cowardice, and sever their Achilles tendon when next they flee it will appear in the dreams of vicious sorts, calling to them like flame to moths a crimson caul will fall around it, bringing strife and violent madness
This is the [part] of St. [saintname], who [saintdid].<br>It's said that [relicbut], this relic has the power [relicpow].<br>This relic is currently [relicnow].
{part} toe kidney heart jaw pelvis spittle mucus ashes stomach lip horn finger hand leg arm foot head scalp tongue cheek rump brain bladder tendon ligament pancreas gonad spleen face clavicle fat bezoar kneecap rib nail hair nose skin prepuce lung liver gut throat blood stool ear eye skull tooth spine
{saintdid} preached to the ignorant healed the sick freed many slaves tamed a rampant beast undertook grand charitable works turned aside a natural disaster led refugees to sanctuary tricked the devil founded an order of monks trounced heretics in debate mended a schism in the church overthrew a tyrant defeated the schemes of oligarchs forgave the peoples' debts brought peace to a land ravaged by war tutoured heroes in righteousness was martyred for their dedication defended the faithful from persecution revealed a mystery of the pagans as mere obscuration discovered a hidden name of God
{relicbut} in the hands of a righteous ruler on sacred ground when anointed with holy water when held by a true innocent if held by one of the saint's living descendants when prayed over when held by someone drunk on communion wine under the sun at its zenith when marked with the blood of a martyr, or at least one who sacrificed themself for others if inscribed with the words of scripture, before the ink dries if hymns are sung to it by a choir when held by someone emulating the deeds of the saint it came from
{relicpow} to cure [powcure] to [anathema] [badguy] to emit [emitstuff] that reveals [emitdoes] for what they are to open a portal to [portaldestination] to allow communion with [communewith] to unleash [unleashthing] on [badguy] to create [creatething] to inspire the faithful with [inspirewith]
{inspirewith} creative works martial valour insightful wisdom recuperative energy
{creatething} food and clean water a barrier that repels [badguy] a simple yet sturdy shelter light like a second sun
{portaldestination} Mount Celestia a holy city Bytopia Elysium Arborea Arcadia Ysgard the Beastlands
{communewith} the prophetically-revealed future the spirit of sacred ground angels the righteous dead
{unleashthing} a rain of fire a flood of poisonous toads a bolt of lightning swarms of biting insects
{emitstuff} light music incense-smoke
{emitdoes} illusions lies disguises
{powcure} impotence blindness leprosy cancer infirmity stupidity
{anathema} banish inspire terror in weaken seal destroy
{badguy} demons the undead evil spirits monsters infidels sinners
{relicnow} in the possession of a serial killer who is under the delusion that God sends them their victims held by a cabal of resurrectionists who are trying to assemble a super-saint from a complete body of relics in the possession of a wizard who wishes to derive its divine potency into new arcane spells held by a royally-favoured architect who believes that by studying it they can build a stairway up to heaven grafted onto the body of an unhinged zealot leading a group of like-minded hooligans held by a monastery that is spiraling into depravity around its abbot's cult of personality in the hold of a pilgrim's boat shipwrecked on a coral shoal lost among the fakes held by a travelling peddler buried in a mass grave made when a peasant rebellion was put down in the process of being turned into a phylactery by an aspiring lich within a reliquary in an abandoned shrine in the private gallery of a secular collector the centerpiece of a recently finished cathedral violently and quickly passing through the hands of feuding gangs who believe it's the key to securing dominance over their city's underworld held by a murderously paranoid hermit in their stormy and treacherous mountaintop retreat held by an heiress who fled the nunnery she was forced into by her scandalized family held by a gnostic sect who fled underground, believing the surface world was too full of temptations displayed in a jar by a travelling carnival clutched by an immured anchorite in the treasure-hoard of a band of vikings
This dungeon pub can be found [location].<br>The patrons of this dungeon pub are mostly [patrons].<br>A notable patron of this dungeon pub is [notable].<br>This dungeon pub serves [drink] and [grub].<br>A rumour that might be heard at this dungeon pub is [rumour].
{location}
at a junction of old dwarven minecart tracks
at the bottom of a well that opens into a cavern
in the lab of a scorned former alchemist who forsook their art for homebrewing
in a former bear’s den, the floor still strewn with shed fur and gnawed bones.
within the rusted hull of a crashed and sunken satellite
in a shelter of entangled tree roots
underneath the looping ribs of some enormous slowworm
in the dead-end of a half-collapsed sapper's tunnel
in the ritual chamber of a Dionysian cult
behind a hinged painting that depicts a rowdy tavern scene
within a giant, hollowed-out radish
in a natural and heavily-corrugated cave formation that provides many corners to brood in
inside a titanic birdcage, burst open from within
only by those who've learned the password from another dungeon denizen
in an abandoned wine cellar decorated with curtains of broken glass
in a secret basement beneath the false bottom of a treasure chest
with a dowsing rod, which in the dungeon will unerringly point towards the pub
behind a wooden door painted to look like the wall around it
within the sinister paradimension on the other side of a magic mirror
in the crypt of a noble and their servants, the stone coffins converted to tables
{patrons}
prejudiced against humans, believing them to be baby-eaters
the remnants of an adventuring expedition that went native
chattering goblins throwing darts at each other
silent tiraphegs with various arrnagements of limbs
hungover and ornery from a bender the night before
too wasted to even notice outsiders
loser monsters with nowhere else to go
inebriated doppelgangers who do mocking caricatures of anyone who walks in
bugbears hazing a new member of their squad
behind on their tabs and on the lookout for someone to trick into covering them
blind, and find their way about by sound and scent
stitched-together zombies hoping to get a new liver to balance out their alcohol consumption
stumbling myconids after a novel chemical experience
goths telling each other scary stories
on the lookout for a new establishment, as critics have panned this place
ceramic dolls that merely mimic the actions of typical pub patrons
lying-flat outcasts from a neighbouring dwarf fortress
members of a colony of vampire-bat-folk
peasants enchanted by a fairy to believe they're in their village's beer-hall
the revenants of drunks who can only enjoy alcohol vicariously now
{notable}
an old mole-man too nearsighted and doddering to realize he’s not at his favourite pub in his hometown
a skeletal bard attempting to keep the music of their dead civilization alive and appreciated
a barrel inhabited and rolled around by a sapient, burbling colony of yeast looking for the perfect mash
a poorly-disguised prince of the svirfneblins, slumming it among the common folk. A team of bodyguards lurk near him invisibly
a divorcée deep dryad seeking someone to handle her still-charmed ex-husband
a wealthy gambler ghoul who eats only the flesh of his opponents that's wagered against him in games of chance
a dire badger that devoured a famous scholar and somehow had its mind merged with his - an imbalanced combination of instinct and learning
a scarecrow stuffed with a clan of jermlaines that walk it about, fit with a system of tubes to distribute drinks to every member
a bolt of living lightning in a bottle with a body of magnetized wires, attempting to better understand meat-beings
a scurrilous imp acting as an informant for heaven against sinners and escaped devils
a kobold dragon-priest who equivocates the burn of high-proof liquor with the burn of breathing flames
a drow poisoner trying to refine their produce to the fun side of debilitating
a fracture modron - 3-sided, forever seeking its other half
an earth elemental - taking the form of a fossilized millipede - collecting tribute for its underground masters
a recently-graduated journeyman stonemason so drunk they don't even realize they've left their fellows behind on their pub crawl
a grizzled prospector sure they'll stumble on a big find any day now
a notorious outlaw on the run from topside authorities
a plague doctor who offers to pay well for the opportunity to study victims of chthonic diseases
an animate pile of rubbish, who’ll trade the sometimes-treasures that make up its body for superior replacements
a cultist with endless pits for eyes and a philosophy of personal annihilation. Wants someone to sever their ties on the surface they can no longer return to
{drink}
colourful slugs that exude narcotic slime
wine that’s turned halfway to vinegar
purplish liquor distilled from Stygian tubers
moldy ale
whiskey aged in stipewood barrels
brandy made from the pomace of pale fruits that grew without seeing the light of the sun
the eggs of trogloxene beasts cracked open for their intoxicating yolks
a stiff and numbing vodka
bottles of various fine vintages stolen from tunnelled-into cellars
soporific fluid extracted from the spines of tunnel-newts
diluted pit-jelly venom
poorly-strained stout
the psychedelic tears of blind floating cave-heads
the delectable glowing hemolymph of bioluminescent snails
a pungent and hallucinogenic tea steeped from deep-growing mycorrhizae
the inebriating sweat of things that have slumbered in the depths since the blankets of soil and stone were set over them
goat-bladders pumped with euphoric gas
liqueur flavoured with pale herbs
stagnant water infested with microscopic, mildly mind-bending parasites
fermented roach milk
{grub}
fried cave lice
boiled ooze-gruel
greasy mystery meat sashimi
crunchy, bitter roots
dense nutrient bricks extruded by an ancient machine
the steamed bulbs of predatory plants
mushrooms
ground cricket porridge
giant shrew jerky
candied eyeballs
marrow stew
raw eggs
bowls of live honeypot ants
battered and fried whip scorpions
albino salamander filets
worm chowder
clay-baked cave fish
sausages with hardtack
dried algae
blood pudding
{rumour}
the relationships of the factions in the dungeon
the placement of traps in the dungeon
where to find a choice treasure in the dungeon
the answer to a riddle in the dungeon
warnings about esoteric dangers in the dungeon
a prophecy regarding the dungeon
the skills and vulnerabilities of a rival party of adventurers who've been exploring the dungeon
the location of another, somehow related dungeon
the command word of a magical item in the dungeon
the placement of a shortcut into or between parts of the dungeon
the location of a font of holy water in the dungeon
how to hatch and train the young of a certain monster in the dungeon
the general location and nature of a lich's phylactery
about a faction interested in taking over the dungeon
about a spell that would be useful for navigating the dungeon
hidden ways in and out of a nearby settlement
blackmail material on a faction leader in the dungeon
Special thanks to Phlox, deus ex parabola, Max, Harris, and klintron for help brainstorming this generator.
Click the button below for your very own post-apocalyptic scenario:
Tables:
This scenario's apocalypse was kicked off by [apocalypse].<br>Since then it's been [time].<br>This post-apocalyptic scenario is centered in [location], where [situation]. A remnant of the old world here is [remnant].
{apocalypse}
a deadly virus with extreme zoonotic properties that could infect just about anything with two or four legs
changing atmospheric conditions causing the formation of perpetual hypercanes that flooded much of the land and disrupted all sea traffic
the development of transcontinental sapping machines enabling nations at war to trigger volcanic eruptions at will in each other's territory, leading to a long and global sulphurous winter
chemical contamination triggering anti-mammalian hyper-aggression in the Earth's insect population, devastating in the initial loss of life and the mass pesticidal campaign that followed
collision of the Earth with unexpectedly dense chunks of dark matter - a series of meteor impacts without even the abillity to predict them
leaps in biotechnology allowing the creation of entirely artificial forms of life - useful in captivity, but utterly disruptive to ecosystems once they escaped
the simultaneous advancement of the internet of things and cyberwarfare leading to all digital and digitized technology becoming actively hostile towards human beings
the accidental creation of an aesthetically perfect image which causes immediate neural damage and addiction in those exposed to it, an image that could be reproduced by anyone with access to a paintbrush or simple graphics program
human minds being rewritten from birth by exposure to manipulative algorithms, until people acted more like algorithms than people, ushering in a fatal era of incompetence and volatility
the arrival of an extrasolar von Neumann probe carrying a nanobot payload meant to uplift humanity to alien standards, but damaged by radiation en route so that it merely mutated and deranged us
the exhaustion of key resources and disruption of nutrient cycles
geoengineering projects meant to stabilize the changing climate instead causing their own catastrophic runaway effects
a crazed trillionaire setting off a Malthusian super-weapon to massively reduce and sterilize the parts of the human population they deemed unworthy
the discovery of a censored and blasphemous book of the bible penned by the witch of Endor, which contained instructions on how to perform necromancy. Soon afterwards the world was overrun by the risen dead
a terrorist cult within CERN detonating exotic matter bombs at key points along Earth's magnetic field, creating vast regions of warped physics
a UFO being shot down - the technology looted and reverse-engineered from it tainted swathes of the world with extraterrestrial pollution, among other unforeseen side effects
a conspiracy theory that grew so dense and interconnected that it became like a cyst in the collective consciousness. When it ruptured it bled into the brains of many people, turning them into puppets for its narratives, and FEMA started rounding people up in camps, Russian agents took over the United States, and so on
artificial organs that drastically lengthened human lifespan and vitality, but had a shut-off ransom switch built into them by the company that developed them - a shut-off switch that triggered itself automatically due to faulty programming, leading to billions of deaths
the melting of the polar ice caps releasing star-beasts and space-plagues that had been frozen for eons
the majority of the human population disappearing suddenly and randomly
{time}
short enough that people still wake up screaming from nightmares of it
long enough that the facts of the apocalypse have faded into legend
three generations - grandchildren thrive in conditions their grandparents find abominable
an uncertain and highly debated length of time - there's a bustling and sometimes-violent business among historians over artifacts and records that can prove precise temporal measurements
long enough for the devastation of the apocalypse to be just a bad memory
scarcely a moment - chaos yet reigns
so long that the world before has become nothing more than the myth of a pre-fall Edenic utopia
a decade, on the dot
just long enough for the land, the flora, and the fauna to begin healing
long enough that successor civilizations have risen and fallen in the meantime
recently enough that nations, religions, and so have a straight continuity of before and after
too chaotic for anyone to bother keeping count of how long it's been since the apocalypse
long enough that the nature of the apocalypse itself, perhaps even its actual occurence, has become ambiguous
short enough that old world enemies are still blaming each other for everything going wrong
short enough that roving gangs of nihilistic cannibals are still a policy concern
enough time that pre-apocalyptic concrete structures have all crumbled
not that long in the grand scheme of things, yet the length is often exaggerated for political reasons
almost a hundred years, with mass hysteria being triggered by the upcoming centennial
long enough that opinions on joking about the apocalypse are evenly split between "to soon" and "in bad taste, but I'm still laughing".
long enough that a new calendar with the apocalypse as its year zero has been widely accepted
long enough that the languages spoken by the survivors would be barely comprehensible by modern speakers
{location}
Singapore
Abuja
Calgary
Porto Alegre
Brighton
Chiang Mai
Pyongyang
Port Moresby
Ourense
Isfahan
Bengaluru
Ulaanbaatar
Perm
Tunis
Honolulu
Sapporo
Jinan
Chicago
Damascus
Asunción
{situation}
a charismatic and autodidactic warlord is guiding a national reconstruction at swordpoint
infrastructure and the population were left relatively untouched. It is now the major regional power, and uncomfortably settling into being the nexus of an empire
the changed contours of geography and politics have made it a key node along a major trade route, prosperous yet subject to the intrigues of foreign powers
a gold rush economy has sprung up around treasure hunters following rumours of a vault holding precious old world materials and information
the anti-pope of the surviving Roman Catholic Church is attempting to set up their counter-Vatican
a mutant species of humanity better adapted to the post-apocalyptic world has evolved through saltation
a paramilitary order of rangers, once renowned for protecting the peace and prosperity of the people, has become corrupt and sided with robber barons to gut their smaller competitors
a tyrant has come to an agreement with a band of raiders, letting them prey on people to a limited degree so that their own abuses of power will be better tolerated
an eccentric scientist has gathered a cult of personality around themself and is requisitioning advanced technology, convinced that they can build a time machine and avert the apocalypse entirely
it's become one of two places struggling to be recognzied as the holy city of a new religion based around idols of the old world
the immortals Cain and Cartaphilus have settled, each believing that God has left the world in their care after rendering His judgement, with clashing visions for what that means
a democratic movement in reformist and revolutionary strains is rising against the dictatorial emergency powers that the goverment has retained
society's elites are being consumed by decadence while barbarians romanticized by the common people are gathering at the gates
society was kept running somewhat smoothly from the shadows by organized crime, but rivalries in the underworld have exploded and now their invisible war spills out into public awareness
society is stagnating under the rule of a web of guilds and aristocratic families
a slave-caste of warriors and administrators are sliding into secret rebellion
society is struggling to integrate refugees driven out by a disaster in a neighbouring region
explorers from a far-off land have started showing up and claiming the region as their own
an isolated and pacifistic commune is having to reckon with its ideals in the face of growing connections to the wider world
a primitivist mystery cult has been assassinating scientists, academics, and politicians in an attempt to prevent the technological development they see as inevitably leading to humanity's immiseration and self-destruction
{remnant}
that a generation ship which was launched shortly before things really hit the fan is projected to return in a matter of weeks, having failed in its mission to colonize a new home for humanity
a trove of philosophical texts that have just been uncovered, triggering an intellectual revolution
a radio which has made contact with the crew of a space station that has somehow miraculously survived in the void, granting people knowledge both useful and eldritch
the seed of yet another apocalypse which has laid resting - assimilatory nanomachines infused with uploaded human minds - set to sprout into a final end for humanity's remains unless reaped
eerily intelligent packs of stray cats with subtle yet sometimes deadly malice towards humans, carrying a modified toxoplasmosis that can warp the brains of the infected towards their feline ends
a cadre of super-soldiers who'd been cryogenically frozen and have just now been thawed
an extensive subway system, which is now mostly flooded but still useful as an artificial aquifer and as underground canals for submersibles
power lines that have been repurposed into a rapid mirror-based semaphore network
a highway system built of self-repairing materials, useful for foot traffic and the occasional operational motor vehicle
a fleet of solar-powered dirigibles used for shipping and bombardment
an arcology which was meant to be a perpetual sanctury, yet became a towering tomb as its life support systems failed only a few years after its activation. The place is surrounded by dreadful superstition, and those unlucky enough to live nearby claim to see shuffling, moaning figures within it on moonless nights
a cluster of high-altitude installations that can manipulate the region's weather
an archive where the brains of the world's greatest minds were meant to be preserved to guide later generations. However, corners were cut in the archive's construction - the brains have rotted, and the devices meant to allow them to communicate are in fact programmed with predictive algorithms that mimic what they might have said
a facility outfit with cutting-edge robotic surgeons that can fix about 90% of all the things that can go wrong in the human body
an infrasonic projection tower that can authour the dreams of everyone who sleeps within its range
a factory that can process any organic material into biofuel, which is typically used for funerals
transgenic herbs that produce medicine and narcotics
the baffling plague of "reincarnation syndrome", where people suddenly gain memories of pre-apocalyptic people, sometimes enough to overwrite their own personality with the deads'
a local ecosystem of autonomous and self-replicating military drones. Whoever figures out how to command the drones could set themself up as an invincible despot
a mechanical water purification plant that provides potable water to the region, yet is slowly winding down as nobody alive is quite sure how to maintain it
This gith sect is called the gith[suffix1][suffix2]<br>This gith sect inhabits [inhabit]<br>This gith sect believes [belief]<br>This gith sect is known for [known]<br>This gith sect’s society [society]<br>This gith sect is {allied with|opposed by} [faction]
{suffix1} ru vo ka si ak gaw
{suffix2} zi. lek. jao. ma. ya. nti.
{inhabit} a microverse of nested pocket dimensions grown like shells by hyperspatial molluscs they tend. the roots of a great, parasitic plant that slithers about the trunk of the world-tree like a strangler fig. vaults buried deep beneath the grey wastes of Hades, buttressed against its cloying despair by artifacts of hope, nostalgia, and amusement incorporated into their construction. a candle-castle on the elemental plane of wax, a place so minor that most compendiums of the planes don't even bother mentioning. floating palaces in flooded craters on the surface of the moon, crossing to the earth in howdahs atop the backs of giant moths. a library-jungle created by a lost divinity as a breeding ground for knowledge, where encyclopedic creatures intermix and procreate to create entirely new, often incoherent, information.
{belief} that they are the true inheritors of the great illithid empire which will rise in the future and fall long in the past, destined to snuff it out and usurp it in the same moment. Psychic infiltration and domination are their bread and butter. in taking the bioengineering project that created the Gith into their own hands, splicing samples from exotic creatures into their gene pool and breeding specialized castes. that it is their duty and destiny to manufacture a Gith god. that the multiverse is a dream, and that they must find the avatar of the dreamer within it to cement themselves in its memory so something of them survives when the dreamer wakes. that causality is an illusion, and that chaos and emergent phenomena are truly the hands of cosmic super-consciousnesses sculpting themselves from the stuff of the past - the dialectical development of Gith cultures will bring about the greatest of these super-consciousnesses in their system. in pacifism and the psychic unification of all beings. While they are vehemently opposed to physical violence, restructuring the minds of enemies to make them friends is seen as acceptable and even commendable.
{known} the sealed suits they wear when around others not of their kind. their gridlike bioluminescent tattoos. their obsession with coffee and the particularities of its brewing. their beauty standards placing emphasis on cauliflower ears. only being encountered outside their sanctuaries in sets of identical twins. excessive, elaborate politeness in their speech.
{society} is ruled by the consensus of a council of clan elders who are nigh-impossible to get to agree on anything. practices a secret language communicated through eye and eyebrow movements, winks, and blinks. has different sets of laws depending on one's degree of initiation into the sect. is riven by cults and guilds with their own distinct and dogmatic interpretations of the larger sect's beliefs. honours their dead by transplanting their bones into the bodies of the living. separate children from their parents at birth and raise them in cadres, indoctrinating them that their deepest allegiance is to the sect.
{faction} a disorder of knight-errant modrons. a contingent of mercenary fiends seeking to follow the root of all evil to its end. a plushie-legion of survivors from a long-dead child-emperor's animate toy menagerie. a pack of malformed kludge-beasts created by the collision and merging of mages miscasting teleportation spells. indecipherable angel-demons of alien moral systems from the un-space between the outer planes. a kingdom of beatific reverse-ghosts who sent their souls back in time and through unreality to the imagined golden age of their civilization.
Despite what popular thought leads us to believe, the first ventriloquist performance with a dummy was not by Baron de Mengen in 1757. No, the practice is far older. Or younger. Or some sort of age-related descriptor we haven't invented yet for the English language, because our interactions with the perpendicular para-curves of mytho-time have thus far been minimal.
In fact - truer than mere fact - the first ventriloquist dummies were carved and used by the god Loki, in one of his more whimsical and less terrible moods. He carved the dummies from the wood of the world-tree Yggdrasil itself, nine in total - one for each world which hanged from it, out of the branches on which they hanged. It's said that Loki's first performance with the dummies made the giants laugh so hard that the noospheric membrane between myth and fiction was ruptured. It's said that if the dummies are burned together in a bonfire it will serve as a beacon for Surtr to begin his great ending.
The dummies number nine. What follows is their names, and their natures:
From the branch of Asgard was carved Marglod, red-haired and proudly bearded, his fine tunic stitched with golden bells. His voice is hoarse and faint as an old man's on his deathbed. He can predict the next day's weather with perfect accuracy, and if consulted three days in a row guarantees that the fourth day will have a tremendous storm.
From the branch of Muspelheim was carved Bragibrandur, black-charred and wild-haired, whose iron teeth clack sparks with every word. He finds everything funny, but particularly enjoys cruelty. He eats fire and shits coal, taking giant-sized gulps at a go.
From the branch of Niflheim was carved Svellveid, frost-rimed, narrow and gnarled, with two human eyes set in her sockets, their tears frozen on her cheeks. She's caustic to be around, picking on any insecurity like a scab. If given a nibble or sip of a potion or magic item, she has a 50% chance of telling you what it does, and a 50% chance of telling you the opposite of what it does, and will never admit which is which.
From the branch of Vanaheim was carved Hodvonur, flaxen-haired and blue-eyed, his head stuck on backwards to his constant vexation. He permits only women and crossdressing men to stick their hand in him. If he overhears prophecies or foretold dooms he repeats them in a mocking falsetto, and thereby reduces them to mere speculation.
From the branch of Jotunheim was carved Andskott, rough-hewn and bulbous, with shiny chips of flint for eyes. His voice is booming, and he cannot remember names, giving people nicknames instead. He offers counsel in war, and good counsel at that, but for every piece of advice he gives he must also give one to your enemy - appearing in their dreams or shouting it out to them if they're in earshot.
From the branch of Midgard was carved Knutlykki, Brown-haired, bowl-cut, body like a cage of woven twigs. Insists on proper enunciation and grammar. If fed one of your fingers, she can force a being not of this world to save or be forcefully returned from whence it came.
From the branch of Alfheim was carved Rikroen, whose hair is silver and whose skin is painted white, whose smile is furnished with the sharp teeth of cats. Her voice is crackly and whistling. By singing she can cause sunlight to shine clearly through cloud cover and wooden ceilings, and can make the moon glow as bright as the sun for an hour, though this latter act causes her to fall asleep for a month.
From the branch of Nidavellir was carved Eitrylr, small and pock-marked, greasy black hair smeared over his face. His voice is gravelly, and he tolerates no interruptions while he's speaking. He can cause any non-magical device to break by shouting insults at it, but demands payment every time he's made to do so.
From the branch of Svartalfheim was carved Ljotrog, whose skin is dark-bruised though it's made of wood, who stinks of grave-mold and whose eyes are always hidden in shadows. Can't speak, but grunts and moans instead to express himself. He can cause a corpse to decay in an instant by kissing it.
And these are the dummies that number nine, carved by Loki from the branches of the world-tree.
scruffy and goatish, with a long beard and ridged horn.
2
lanky and knobby-kneed, with a velvety and branching horn.
3
short and chubby, with a wooly fleece and a curling horn.
4
built like a tank, with a wide, scratched-up horn and a thick, folded hide.
5
as a different breed of horse each time you blink, now
an elegant Arabian and then a sturdy percheron - always alabaster-white,
and always with a sharp, straight, pearlescent horn.
6
blubbery yet sleek, with a speckled hide and an almost comically-long horn.
D6
This unicorn is
1
a minor god of purification rites who abdicated their
portfolio in the belief that they could do more good as a creature of
flesh and blood.
2
a prodigy that was born in a place where the upper realms touched the mortal world.
3
an angel from a pre-human era when it seemed like quadrepeds might inherit the earth.
4
a kludge-beast of reanimated taxidermy created by a childlike enchanter.
5
the creation of a temple that required an unblemished sacrifice, though it's escaped this fate to this day.
6
a spontaneous exudate of the universe spawned in response to a rising tide of evil.
D6
This unicorn is troubled by
1
a hypocritical and narcissistic knight who is convinced that the unicorn is the only mount worthy of bearing their rump.
2
an aspiring bishop who believes a sign of favour from the unicorn would secure their virtuous reputation.
3
a mind-bogglingly wealthy merchant and horse-breeder who wants it captured for their stables.
4
a nightmare who wants to kill and impersonate it for its own malicious ends.
5
an overbearing mother-in-law-to-be who wants it to confirm the virginity of her son's future bride.
6
a hag and her trio of ogre sons who are inexplicably convinced that the unicorn can grant wishes.
D6
This unicorn inhabits
1
a silver palace somewhere along the way to Heaven where good souls near death sometimes go for a pit-stop halfterlife.
2
a lush vale that doesn't appear on any maps, where the meek can seek sanctuary without violence.
3
a cathedral it built itself from the bones of forgotten martyrs it exhumed from unmarked graves.
4
a ruined castle where a goblin-market has been set up, a
market where sentimental belongings and heirlooms can be restored to
perfect condition.
5
a mist-shrouded glade where lost travellers sometimes
stumble, where they can rest and receive succour before going on their
way.
6
whatever caves or other shelters it finds as the sun sets in its endless wandering.
D6
This unicorn's goodness
1
is puritanical, with scant forgiveness for little lies, errors, and weaknesses.
2
takes the form of self-sacrificing charity, allowing the hungry to gnaw off its own leg.
3
is ruthlessly utilitarian and long-sighted, making it
capable of shocking callousness in the present for larger gains to the
greater good down the line.
4
is uncertain of what the good even is, skeptically questioning itself into inaction.
5
is relentlessly optimistic, able to see the silver lining and redemption in even the meanest creatures.
6
is that of a zealot, a tireless and violent destroyer of evil.
D6
From this unicorn can be looted
1
its horn (called alicorn), which detects and
neutralizes poisons on contact, though this causes it to gradually
blacken and decay.
2
its blood, which restores drinkers to a state of innocent youth.
3
its brain, which when eaten grants great wisdom,
particularly with regard to moral matters - and often great regret for
killing a unicorn for its brain.
4
for its bones and hide, which can be worked into weapons and armour with particular efficacy against spirits both good and evil.
5
for its heart, which as an object of immense purity can
soak up a number of curses (or one massive curse) through a sort of
magical osmosis.
6
for its hooves, which can be worked into shoe-soles and
keys and other such trinkets that allow one to trod the weird ways
through the planes and cryptogeographical places.
