D6 Texas Chainsaw Massacres

As seen on TV.

1. A once-popular spot for corporate team-building events in Dallas, the Puma Slayer Axe-Throwing Bar found itself in a tight spot as the market became saturated and interest in its gimmick waned.

To solve this, its owner upped the ante - his club wouldn't just have axe-throwing, it would have chainsaw-throwing. He commissioned the creation of a set of lightweight, gyroscopically-guided, and AI-enabled chainsaws that would let anyone throw them like a pro to facilitate this.

At the new-and-improved Puma Slayer Axe-Throwing Bar's opening night four people were decapitated or de-limbed by a chainsaw which bounced at an unfortunate angle and then just kept bouncing and swinging around the throwing area. Footage of the incident would become a popular shock video.

2. "The Christmas Tree Cutter" is the media's name for a chainsaw-wielding serial killer who targets isolated families during severe winters in Texas, when travel is most difficult and government services and infrastructure most overwhelmed. The killer has attracted enormous attention and speculation from true crime aficionados, as even their shoe size still remains unknown despite the heavy snow cover at the times and places of their attacks.

The most recent winter saw two simultaneous murders in the style of the Christmas Tree Cutter, raising the uncomfortable certainty of an accomplice or a copy-cat inspired by the impunity of the killer.

 

3. Many have become familiar with the CBRPT cult of meat-worshiping, self-identified "male-to-male transsexuals" since the release of the Netflix documentary about it, but comparatively fewer are aware of its original inspiration: a spree-killing committed by a twelve-year-old child employed in a meat processing plant near the city of Tyler. The child enjoyed employment there at the insistence of their grandfather, a Texas meat baron, who believed it would teach them the value of hard work.

Whether due to severe sleep deprivation, prion infection, or some other factor, the child became obsessed with meat, reading a sort of haruspexic cosmic meaning in the insides of the animals they butchered. Shorty after completing their manifesto/scripture - written on homemade vellum in blood - the child murdered several of their co-workers at the plant before returning home and murdering several of their family members. Their meat baron grandfather paid quite a bit of money to keep that out of the documentary.

4. On March XX of 20XX, the congregation of the Divine Impetus Church in Paris, Texas, was attacked by an American-Israeli man by the name of Shlomo Katz. Shlomo gained entrance to the church while carrying a chainsaw by claiming to be an "emergency carpenter" before using the tool in his attack. Two people were killed and sixteen injured before the church's elderly pastor was able to disarm and subdue the man.

 

Eyewitnesses report that Shlomo screamed "Jesus was the original Hamas" and "I'll show you who the real Jews are" while swinging his chainsaw, apparently confusing Black Israelites with all black people.

 

Shlomo was arrested by the PPD, and a month later was released to Israel, where he faced no charges.

5. Aspiring Texas governor Budd Dutt ran on the promise of cutting federal interference out of the state's politics, symbolizing this promise by carrying a chainsaw in ads and public appearances.

This quirk turned to tragedy at a campaign rally in Houston, where small yet functional chainsaws were given out to members of the crowd to rev for applause. Due to some unknown cause, perhaps heatstroke or dementia, one member of the crowd began assaulting the people around them with their mini-chainsaw, which spiraled out across the crowd in mass hysteria as others also began carving people up.

 

Survivors report that they were convinced they were under attack by secret terrorists or antifa who had infiltrated the rally.

 

Dutt's gubernatorial campaign would not go on to be successful, though he did enjoy a further 15 minutes of fame as an anti-PTSD social media influencer.

 

6. After being heckled at the comedy club Comedy Mothership in Austin, an up-and-coming prop comedian leaped into the audience and swung indiscriminately at audience-members with the chainsaw he had been using as part of his act.

A rumour spread like wildfire shortly afterwards which blamed the attack on Mort Chavez, an illegal immigrant known to Austin residents for catching and eating armadillos with his bare hands. Mort would be sent to the Guantanamo Bay concentration camp and later lead an armed uprising within the camp backed by the Cuban Revolutionary Army, which saw it liberated from American control.