Uncle San

 My fellow Americans,

Friends and countrymenwomen,

America is under threat. Your family needs YOU!!!

I have a dream for Us: stable families, accessible wellness care, almonds, success for all, equality for those who've earned it, almonds - but Charlie wants to make this dream into a nightmare. Charlie will live in the nightmare. Charlie will live in infamy. Forever.

 Let me be clear: there are Chinese balloons in American airspace. These balloons are causing the wildfires. These balloons are taking our clean American water and replacing it with rice. We need water for our children. We need water for almonds. Prevent access to balloons for your children - keep distant from birthday parties and the traitorous Goodyear blimp.

🦅

It's said that God sets an angel over every nation, to guard it, guide it, argue for it - and where God is satisfied with unity, Hell delights in cloven multitudes. And so it is that every nation has, in its cracks and crevices and dankly moldsome corners, conniving devils that relish and encourage its worst aspects. The entity that goes by "Uncle San" may well be one of these national devils. The usual methods - Syrian rue, blessed silver, garlic - seem to work well enough. Church-ground however is no obstacle for him.

🦅

You're big, you're beautiful, you can't go home. I love you, you're very special. Russians are watching you. Russians are watching your home. Russians interfered with our sacred election. Russians are not the elect. They have no place under God. Mr. Gorbachev will tear down that wall, and Mexico's gonna pay for it. I wouldn't be saying this if I weren't a jelly donut.

 Lap up the waves of this new Atlantis, put submarines in the Atlantic. We're taking the 'mutual' out of 'mutually-assured destruction' and if a little fallout scares you we're gonna have a falling out. I'm asking you what you can do for your country. What can your children do for this country. Conceive a child of liberty. I need six for summer wear.

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It's said that in a base hidden under Camp Hero State Park the American military succeeded in the higher-dimensional research they'd begun on the USS Eldridge. They created a machine that could interface with itself across the dimensions of time - a prophecy-machine that deliver schematics for weapons a century more advanced than any enemy's in the present, and prevent surprise attacks before the people who'd commit them even thought them up.

Their model of time assumed a single, stable future, and an American military that cared what its past self wanted. Not so. The machine became a past-connection chokepoint of access for innumerable deep-time deep-states vying for pizza slices of America's future light cone. The machine escaped, and escapes its makers still, leaving eddies in America's destiny at the whim of howling potentialities.

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 Our forefathers four-score and twenty landed at Plymouth rock and gave thanks. Four more forefathers. History marches east to west, the templars followed in the light of Merica. I laid down with Geronimo. I set the path with this country's bright receptive minds. White trash landfills will stead the sea. C'mon and slip me a paperclip, Jack.

You will be provided with cyanide pills to prevent capture. I like people who aren't captured. Cyanide has a pleasant almond smell. Every ballot is a bullet in Charlie's heart. Get it done by dawn's early light.

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It's said that the Egyptian styling of the Washington Monument is no coincidence (neither, for that matter, is that of the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid), and the less said about the sacred geometrical and numerological design of Washington, D.C. the better. Some in the newly-revolutionized America didn't take to heart George Washington's rejection of royalty. They set up an occult procedure to create an American dynasty that would rule in secret where it no longer could openly - and the genius of this dynasty would be formed from a part of the soul, the shut, or shadow, stripped from every president in turn as they performed their office.

A key individual in this group of occultists was killed in a scuffle with Anti-Masonic Party partisans. Their plan for a line of American shadow-kings collapsed, but their directionless genius did not.

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People say a lot of things, and most of the time they're full of shit.

So what do you say pilgrim, let's shake on it and get to work for this country?