D6 Social Media Services of the Near-Future

1. Nepotery: Artificial pseudo-ethnic nepotism - each paying subscriber to Nepotery is assigned a "clan" of similarly-positioned, like-minded other subscribers - part of each subscription payment goes into a pool for each clan, to be paid out whenever one clan member hooks another up with a job, or a relationship, or a place to rent, or whatever else. Lower-ranked clan members can assist higher-ranked ones by performing domestic services, running errands, attacking members of other clans, and so on.

2. Bright: "Bright makes right, Bright shines a light!" - bounty-based vigilantism, Nextdoor with total surveillance net and parapolice violence. Brighters register with pseudonymous superheroic personas, monitor area chats for leads & associated bounties - find out why that wrongly-ethnic man was in the neighbourhood and make sure he doesn't come back, make the porch pirate pay, someone stopped to look at my flowers - do they work for the government? This is all de facto legal now.

3. MeatSuite: The people who believed everything they saw on the internet are just about all dead now. Internet advertising took a nose-dive. Word of mouth, face-to-face interactions, that's where it's at.

 

MeatSuite connects outgoing, extroverted, well-connected sorts with internet-based advertising intelligences, giving them a face and reach in the physical world. While signed up to MeatSuite as a bio-platform you suspend your prior subjectivity, and agree to act as the avatar of whichever AI currently owns the rights to your use. A proprietary eye implant streams instructions directly into your field of view.

4. KLUSTRFUK: Lonely? Alienated? Directionless, driveless? Join a hivemind!

 

That was the original pitch anyways. Turns out that requires getting deeper into the brain than contemporary implants can do without serious risk of horrific infections. Shallower's tolerable though. That's how we got from the initial promise of a hivemind to KLUSTRFUK - the social media service where the language is body language. The language of the sensation of the body. KLUSTRFUK lets you feel what other users are feeling. Due to network limits real fidelity of this sharing requires close proximity. This tends to create cells of users who've pretty much fried their brains from intense sensory feedback.

5. Wecylia: That is not dead which can eternal post. Premium deathcare - while on its way out, the body is impregnated with a fungal chitin-protein computer, and purified of potential competitors. It is lain in the ground in a bio-degradable casket, and a genetically-engineered tree is planted on top, grafted with electro-chemical interfaces.

The protein computer spreads throughout the body, taking in an image of it along with an engram of the brain. This engram is synthesized with the body's digital footprint to create a virtual ghost of the deceased, resting in peace except when the living come to its grave-tree to consult with it. For an increased subscription fee the body will be interred in a lichyard alongside other Wecylia clients, wherein their fungal emulation can chatter eternally in a mycelial network with others of its kind.

6. FETF: The Finding of Extra-Terrestrial Friends. Oumuamua, anomalous signals from other stars - intelligent life is out there, and FETF can connect you with it. Chat with your pre-incarnate relatives from Alpha Centauri, see amazing footage of gravity-surfers around the moons of Procyon, do your part to bring Earthlings up to a higher level of galactic consciousness, so that we will be permitted off-world to join the universal brotherhood of species. Your part may involve industrial sabotage, false flag attacks, and so on and so forth - but you trust the Procyonians, don't you? It's all fake, obviously. It's Project Blue Beam, as an app.