Wednesday, September 23, 2026

Get Your Freaks On - The Yellow King: Legions of Carcosa

The Yellow King is some sort of Lovecraftian RPG published by Pelgrane Press, wherein players pass between four different timelines/parallel realities (Belle Époque Paris, the front of WWII, a post-revolutionary America (different American revolution), and the modern day with Lovecraftiana seeping in through the cracks) in an attempt to thwart the reality-melting incursion of the Carcosa guy... and his daughters? It seems to use cards in some capacity.

This stood out to me among the mass of Lovecraftian RPG bestiaries because most of those have the same goddamn dross of deep ones and dholes and migos and elder things, the very thought of which now nauseate me. That is my cosmic horror - a cosmos once numinous and ground-breaking, now congealed into sickening scum - Look! cry the scum-feeders, scooping it up in their hands, I've left out everything that was problematic in the source material! The real Cthulhu was racism all along! Pay me money for this!

However the monsters in Legions of Carcosa are pretty much all original. For this, John Harness, Kira Magrann, Sarah Saltiel, Monica Valentinelli, and Daniel Kwan, may God bless you.

All the art in the book save the cover is from Stable Diffusion (remember Stable Diffusion? How far we've come) and boy can you tell. It's a pity, as art can be a strong selling point of bestiaries to me, to the point that I've been hesitant to post much from the books I've reviewed on the basis that it's what pushes them over the finish line into being worth purchasing. Here is Robin D. Laws' post about it: https://pelgranepress.com/2023/03/07/legions-of-carcosa-ai-art/.

Given that it was published in 2023 - I don't think the technology was there yet - and because they were upfront about using AI art, I don't believe they used AI writing in this book. If I'm wrong about that I will be annoyed.

Allons-ythaqua:

The Belle Époque Section 

Bonepiles

It's an undead flood of bones. Seen the concept before, but here it's elevated by the particularity of place and history, being specifically in the Paris Catacombs and created from the bones displaced by Georges-Eugène Haussmann's renovations of the Paris sewer system and graveyards, reanimated by occultists. 

The confusing tunnels of the Catacombs are a good place to put impassable floods of killer bones, and I like that they're not permanently killable until you track down the occultists who created them and either learn their ritual to undo it or force them to undo it.

Every monster entry in this bestiary is for a particular timeline in the setting, but has notes to adapt them to the other settings. The bonepile's are nothing to write home about, but they're nice to have.

Three Tsathogguas.

Creeping Beast

I'm not usually fazed by AI stuff but man, this is Stable Diffusion we're talking about here, a lot of the images in this are bad enough to take me out of it, they're distractingly terrible. It's like that Cyberpunk (or was it Shadowrun?) edition where the art was all pictures of posed dolls. But oh! you may object, at least those were made by a human being! - not to me they're not. You forfeit your humanity when you subject me to things I don't like.

Anyways, the creeping beast is a leopard hidden in a painting in the Musée du Luxembourg. If you notice the leopard, then it notices you back and begins hunting you outside the painting - and only the person it's hunting can see it. I think it's a solid basis for a mystery monster, but would have liked to see more, uh, play and counterplay for it, like as it exists it's pretty passive, just waiting around for people to spot it, and - and this may be just me being unfamiliar with the system - it's not clear how you might resist or combat something so abstract.

The adaptions lack the painting, so it's unclear why the beast would start hunting someone and how it could be defeated, which seem like odd bits to leave out.

Two and a half Shub-NnnnnI'mnotgonnasayitraths.

Dark Dwellers

Oh no, look out guys, it's a dark dweller, a dark dweller's gonna get us... I don't ask for a lot from names, but they can't be this limp.

They're people who got lost in the darkness of the Catacombs and got transformed into C.H.U.D.s. I like the bit how they're hurt by light, so if you encounter them on the surface it indicates that there's something a lot worse in the Catacombs beneath there driving them out.

I really like the modern day version of the dark dwellerr, much more so than the base version. In the modern day they're not created by exposure to literal darkness, but by exposure to certain sites on the dark web - and furthermore they're not physically transformed, but become capable of projecting dark dweller proxy-bodies through the internet like Hikari-Man.

Including the modern version, I give dark dwellers four Eihorts.

The Dollmaker

Less of an issue with more horror-leaning bestiaries, but I think fantasy bestiaries should do this more, is leaning more into singular monsters rather than species. Especially once you get past the basic, archetypal stuff, it lends them more oomph.

Dolls... not a fan of dolls. Sex dolls least of all - I've seen a lot of shit on the internet, but sex dolls can still spook me.

I guess in the Belle Époque you're supposed to be playing art students? That's neat. This is a lady who makes dolls but she's got a secret room where she makes dolls that steal people's souls. Like the creeping beast, I wish there was more thought put into counterplay here. The Dollmaker doesn't need much sympathetic material to craft a soul-sucking doll on someone, there's no, like, omens someone gets to warn them that she's in the process of making a doll on them, there's no sign on the soulless bodies left behind that might lead an investigation to her, and there's no note that she only sucks the souls out of people she's got a real grudge against so her victims could all be completely random and untraceable. For example, maybe it's like that Junji Ito story and you increasingly resemble a doll as she works.

One an a half Glaakis.

The Doombringers

A secret society within the Parisian gendarmes who serve the will of the King in Yellow, as they understand it. They try to cover up incidents of Carcosan magic and monsters, and do black magic shit in their clubhouse. I like regular-ass dudes being in bestiaries (not in a "humans are the real monsters" way however), and I like that these guys aren't really in the know and can be misled by anyone who dangles occult knowledge in front of them. Mundane authority + incompetence.

Three Nyarlathoteps.

The Dressmaker

Traditionally feminine crafts? Yeah, you're on watch.

The Dressmaker practices the art of the dress, and in her dreams she can control those who wear her dresses like puppets. She uses this for personal benefit and revenge. This is what the Dollmaker should have been. If the Dollmaker was BETTER, one could imagine a scenario wherein the two are rival occultists.

Three Hasturs.

Gawkers

Uncanny valley guys who appear in crowds of rubberneckers, disappear people, and can be commanded by sorcerers (though again can only appear in crowds).

One and a half Cthughas.

Green Fairies

Energy vampires that appear as normal people unless you're drunk on absinthe, in which case you perceive their monstrous true form. Not great usually, but become especially dangerous when they're harvesting the energy they need to reproduce or trade to another entity. Kind of a... meme monster, you know?

Two Dagons.

Inkblots

Parasites that lay their eggs in art materials, and induce feverish inspiration in their hosts (to create more art pieces for their young to inhabit). As previously mentioned the player characters are apparently meant to be art students, so this presents a good basis for an epidemic mystery. Also like the blurb about art and artistic scenes being ideal habitats for Carcosans.

The modern day version of inkblots is literally Stable Diffusion...

Three Atlach-Nachas.

Inspirs

Carcosan muses... I don't know, I feel like these could have been folded into the inkblots.

One Mother Hydra.

Liberty Vintners

A winery that makes wine with Carcosan grapes that causes you to lose your inhibitions. Pretty meh, as it stands.

One Chaugnar Faugit'snotthesamewordit'spronouncedtotallydifferentlyn.

Living Portraits

Living paintings - already-tread ground with the creeping beast, but I like that these are all the products of a single artist with a mysterious patron. I also like that you have the choice of either destroying the painting externally, which also kills all its captured victims, or entering the painting's pocket dimension to try and defeat it and free its victims... unclear what would reveal this choice however.

Two Rhan-Tegoths.

The Marble Dancer

An animate statue that goes to parties covered in a life-like illusion to dance and get someone to fall in love with it. While someone's in love with the statue it becomes a real human, but their lover ages unnaturally quickly. Not really hostile, but wants to be loved and alive above all else. Sympathetic, would make a nice problematic ally.

Three Eibons.

Marie Rowdon

A woman who hosts hallucinatory murder-orgies. You'd think that even in France she'd have trouble finding guests after the first murder-orgy.

Half a Cthulhu.

Micars

Gargoyle-looking fellas with venom that crystallizes you and makes you easily shatterable. The cure is made from their blood. You can use their skin as a mirror to scry into the past.

Two Ghatanothoas. 

Nokk

It's a siren, a siren with an ugly, ugly image. Unforgivable.

Zero Gloons.

Our Lady of Bones

A memetic entity that poses as a saint and acts through the dead, and undead, causing the faithful to believe that she's actually a real historical saint who did all this cool stuff and can raise the dead. Master of illusions, and therefore Clark Ashton Smithy.

Two Shuma-Goraths.

Pan

The entry that comes with a content warning... it doesn't really need it, it's pretty tame. It's the actual Pan and Syrinx, brought to life by Carcosa. Syrinx is a living flute that plays at a nightclub, and Pan is cursed to not be able to perceive her.

Half a Dormammu.

Picture Perfects

An eidolon of a dead artist that seeks to spread their fandom among the living and find new bodies to possess.

Two Mordiggians.

Pigment

Oil paint manufacturers who infuse Carcosan stuff into their paint that can manipulate emotions to bring down the Parisian elite. Seems like a missed opportunity to not connect these guys to the living portrait painter.

One Cthylla.

Silver Sirens

Sirens, again. These ones are fish during the day and women at night, and they want to kill both fishermen and men who've murdered women. 

One Ptmak.

Unknown of the Seine

The real-life story behind this is crazy, the past is a different country.

This one's a hivemind of masks that can hypnotize and possess people who wear them. I like that destroying the original destroys the hivemind with it.

Two and a half, uh, Russian Sleep Experiments.

Madame Cleo Verlaque

Of course, women have as much of a right to be evil as anyone else, but it's weird that all four of the human individual entries have been women.

Almost identical to Marie Rowdon, but with séances instead of soirées.

Zero Yigs.

Wanderers

Skull-faced flaneurs that try to lure you into walking with them into the Parisian Backrooms. Ok.

One and a half I Mock You Foolish Kings.

Widowmaker

He's an aristocrat who's "I could fix him" but also subconsciously Bluebeard. He doesn't really have anything to do with Carcosa. I guess the silver sirens could be after him.

Half a Mother Horse Eyes.

Winter Worms

Big worms that psychically pose as priests or other such healers to gain access to the poor and sick, who they relieve the suffering of while they feed off and lay their young in them.

Two and a half Clive Barker's Jerichos.

Yellow Carnation

A parasitic Carcosan flower supplied only by a particular Parisian flower-shop, of which it is currently a fashion to wear in your buttonhole. It makes its wearer more debaucherous while draining their lifeforce, and eventually turns them into a flowerman.

One and a half Voorquals.

The Belle Époque Section in Review

My comment here dovetails with one that friend of the blog Dan made about Mothership's Unconfirmed Contact Reports - design the monsters to the game. If you're making monsters for an investigative game like The Yellow King, you generally want monsters that facilitate that investigation. Sure, throw in some servitors for villains and such, but most should have distinct modus operandi, clues left behind, motives, habits, bases of operations, and suchlike in some combination.

Secondarily, they should have "the sauce", which I am still in the process of defining. In character design, as I understand it, a lot of emphasis is put on the character's silhouette, in making it immediately distinguishing and recognizable. Some useful parallel can be drawn here - good monsters have striking imagery, tap into some underlying fears, anxieties, disgusts, etc. (without being too blatant and shallow a metaphor - we're not doing an A24 production here!), and stand out from the rest of the bestiary - e.g. how many stationary killer plants that are only really different from each other in the way they kill you do you need?

Oh yeah, and organization - the monsters in this book come with "tags" which may or may not have some mechanical effect, but are handy for sorting monsters into sometimes-helpful-sometimes-not categories like "human" and "Carcosan", but also "invasive" and "alt". Having sub-categories in each era, or else an index at the front, organizing the monsters into human antagonists, magical servitors, wildlife, Carcosans, etc. would make the book easier to reference.

The War Section

Angels of Mons

Again, something I like about this book is how it uses and recontextualizes real historical stuff, helps create that unique flavour and sense of place/time.

In The Yellow King they're mobile gothic mortars equipped with hypnotic projectors that make people see them as angels, their explosions as divine wrath. I guess you're fighting for the French in this era? The crossover of war & investigative game seems like it could be very cool.

Porno idea: The Angels of Mons Pubis, and it's set during WWI, and thematically it's about how only love can end war, it'd be very Blakean.

Two and a half Zothiques.

Blood Field

Sauceful monster - a patch of land infused by Carcosan-tainted blood, swarming with red wildlife that can infect you with a rage virus that can potentially cause you to hemorrhage out a new blood field.

Their weakness is dumping salt on them, which one how would you figure that out, two it's unintuitive because blood is salty, three I get that's probably the intended difficulty but how are you gonna get that much salt sourced on a WWII battlefield. Are field rations salty enough to do it?

Three Towers of the Elephant.

Blood Sanctum

I don't believe in "spoilers". I believe we're all adults who can appreciate works of art beyond their novelty factor. Therefore, like in the Borderlands/the Last Prayer, I like when buildings are also monsters.

These guys pose as chapels, and if you go inside them they can brainwash you into being a blood cultist.

Two lloigors.

Caged Horrors

These are guys who are so scared all of the time that they make you scared just for being near them. Apparently this era of the game has "fear-seeking" technology instead of heat-seeking stuff, which sounds like something from a Goosebumps book.

Again, the modern interpretation is good for these guys - they're "caged" in VR headsets subjecting them to hyper-realistic scary simulations.

Two Fear Itselfs.

Cyt

Waterborne parasites that replace one of your eyes and makes you see horrifying hallucinations. I like throat leeches, I like these guys - securing safe water supplies should be a less-handwaved part of wilderness adventuring. Name sucks though.

In the Belle Époque era, cultists sell pills containing their eggs as a drug, which is neat.

Two and a half Cymothoa Exiguas.

Paul Daste

He's Tony Stark but instead of Iron Man stuff he makes crazy Carcosan weaponry.

Three Parallaxes.

Drought Lord

They're elemental Carcosan guys who cause droughts. I like that they can dry people out too, that'd be a nasty way to go.

One and a half K'n-yani.

Commandant Dupuis

A cheeky little bugger who's publicly a war hero, but in secret forges letters to get people killed in the hope that this will get him promoted to Carcosan nobility.

One and a half B'gnu-Thuns.

Ear Worms

Bears repeating how much of a slog the Stable Diffusion images make reading the book into. Like... shrink them, at least. The writing's serviceable, let the writing be, don't crowd it out with these big ol' pieces of shit.

Another hallucinatory parasite. They even re-use the drug plot. Recall what I said about "silhouettes".

Zero Bokrugs. 

Forget-Me-Nots

Subterranean predators that lure a guy out from a squad, bury him, and slowly consume him after wiping him from the memories of his comrades. Neat.

Three The Silences.

Furious Banes

The war crime punishers that then become the war crimers. Kill them with fire.

One The One Below All.

The Gut Gobbler

Ghoul-hag type that eat entrails and protect small communities with talismans and oracles and suchlike in return for service. Nice little folkloricism. Hags are so fun.

Three and a half Mloks.

Leatherlegs

Am I supposed to know what a boîtenoire is? Or a stalker? Seem to be game-specific terms. Seem important to knowing what the fuck a leatherleg is. Robots wearing human skin is a great image, like Terminator or those flayerbots from Warhammer 40K.

One and a half Necrons. 

Little Ones

I don't like that phrase, "little ones", so it makes a good monster name. These guys are essentially Type 3 screamers from Screamers. Predictable enough that they'd be tricky to use... like maybe you don't come across one personally, but you find a safe spot where people are sheltering one, and you have to convince them of the danger posed by evil children before it ruins the haven.

One and a half Davids.

Pestipoxes

Rat-mans what spread old diseases people aren't vaccinated against. Extorts communities for ever-increasing amounts of food in return for not plaguing them.

The alt-setting ones involve ANTI-VAXXERS AAAAAHH!!! 

Three Brown Jenkins. 

Red Eyes

A pair of floating intangible eyes that give you nightmares and are apparently actually Carcosan suns. The secret to defeating it (not specified) is encoded in its victims' nightmares, which is a nice touch but would've been nicer if they specified it. Don't be coy in bestiaries. If you're getting paid money to do something you don't leave work unfinished for the customer to do.

Two Gobogegs.

The Rot

It's a shambling mound.

One Nith.

Silent Doctors

Plague doctor mask guys who are also cyborgs who also make you paranoid to isolate you so they can eat you. I feel like I should dislike it but I don't, or that I should like it but I don't... the heart, encased as it is in the ribs, is often opaque to the mind in its skull.

Two Glorious Echrrs.

Soft Machines

Clockwork Frankensteins led by officers with phonograph-heads that blast out recordings of the King in Yellow. Take out the officer to render the soldiers disordered and manipulable. The key to defeating the King in Yellow is kind of a the Emperor Wears No Clothes thing, his robes are yellow because he peed in them.

I like the Belle Époque era take on them as animatronic wax cabaret dancers, that's a great image. In the modern era they're Five Nights at Freddies.

Two and a half Bgnghaa-Ythu-Yaddits.

Spirit Hosts

Haunted house ghost guys that try to get you to marry them so they can take your place. Seems niche.

Half a Zlykariob.

Talismans

Shapeshifters that pose as like... medals or monocles or whatever, and feed off their wearer's fear, making them fearless thrill-seekers in the process, until they get enough energy to hatch into a doppelganger of their wearer and then just go eat more fear. Okay.

One Viscous Vortex of Sillhaa.

Translated Soldiers

Soldiers magically brought to WWII from other eras - not necessarily the game's other eras - and coerced to fight in return for the promise of returning them to their own time.

Two Dark Young. 

The Washer Woman

Carcosan entity who tends to the unburied dead, eating their eyes to make them undead servitors. Can turn into a raven... a little too folkloric, more so than the gut-gobbler. In the future she uses her army to wage war on Carcosa.

One Gol-gorath.

Wood-wives

Ents.

One Y'golonac.

The War Section in Review

Reiterations: Unique monsters should be flesh-out characters. They should have hooks and levers. Don't overlap monsters too much in the same bestiary. Don't leave blanks for the reader to fill in, if they don't like an answer you come up with they'll change it themself.

Investigative monsters are a story - beginning-middle-end, signs-trail-confrontation/escape.

The Aftermath Section

Black-Eyed Kids

Whatever happened to the Black Eyed Peas? No activity since 2022 apparently.

Black-eyed kids are a real urban legend. I like seeing twists on those. These ones are Carcosan orphans who infiltrate families and, when those families can't provide the alien care the kids are seeking, psychically torment them. Remind me of that movie Stephanie.

In this era you play as victorious rebels against The Regime. Another neat frame, they did good on the framing in this game. 

Three Idh-yaas.

Crouch 

The living shadow of The Regime's deposed dictator. Lives in liminal times and thresholds like that incarnation of Vishnu who killed that demon. Unclear how to combat this guy.

One and a half Yog-Sothoths.

Devourers

Robin, Rob, Robby, baby, honey, pussycat, sugar-doll, why must you thrust these awful images into my eyeballs, what boomerite brain-calcification convinced you this was a good idea?

Here, suffer with me, I promise you this is the one and only time I'll do this: 

 

They're snake-men that vore you.

Half a Yig. I'm re-using Yig.

Doppelgangers

How many doppelganger-types has this been now?

These guys are superhumanly strong, kill and replace the person they're identical to, then form sleeper cells bent on restoring The Regime. There Are Monsters... pretty good movie. Free on youtube.

One Vorvadoss.

Ectoflies

Julia Wolf rules. Listening to Julia Wolf right now.

Floating balls of rainbow-light that feed off warmth and can be killed by exposure to cold. Liquid nitrogen... liquid nitrogen feels in the same genre as quicksand. If you know, you know. They're also the vengeful ghosts of Carcosans who died on Earth. Surrounded by rumours that obscure their true nature.

Two Vorlons.

Fliptops

Man-eating supersoldiers of The Regime with bigly bites.

One Vortigaunt.

Fluffies

Hybrid fluffballs that share the caged horrors' gimmick of only feeling fear. Can be crafted and commanded by occultists. Seen in-setting as an urban legend. There's a 4chan board called /yel/ in the modern era apparently.

One Worm That Gnaws In The Night.

Glo-Glutton

A slug that's also an arm. That's not what this is, but that's kind of an interesting image, right? Or a snail, and the torso's crustified into the shell with a screaming human face on it, and the other limbs are its tails? That's gotta be something.

These guys are giant worms that use their glowing children to distract you while they burrow up from below to swallow you whole.

Half a Ghroth.

Golden Sigil Parties

Another content warning...

Rich decadent cultists. Again unclear why this entry has a content warning, it's not notably more extreme than the rest of the book.

One Gug.

Granitites

Rock-people that make their technology out of human bodies for some reason.

Two Taken For Granites.

Insonics

Energy-draining parasites that are intangible black fog during the day. When attached to a host they physically manifest at night to drain them, and if disturbed can meld with the host to create a humanoid abomination... unless the host is on sleep medication.

One and a half Baoht Z'uqqa-Moggs. 

Kids Club Sleeper Agents

Another content warning!

Suicide bombers dressed as clowns who were brainwashed as kids by a TV show. They're noted to be adults when they do the suicide bombings... if they were still children I could understand the content warning.

I think a punched-up version of this entry would have the TV show still airing as like a pirate broadcast thing, and dispense with the suicide bombing in favour of more covert, unnerving stuff like have the kids who watch it programmed to snitch on their parents to regime loyalists, let monsters into their homes, spy, do unheimlich stuff, and suchlike. Gives you something to do too - track down the broadcast, take down the clown.

One and a half Ut'Ulls-Hr'Hers.

Namesake

The Regime's former chief wizard, who messed up a spell and lost their face and name, becoming utterly forgettable. Steals people's names seeking the perfect one that will restore them an identity, causing those people to become unrecognizable and fade out of reality in the process.

Three and a half Hnarqus.

Nemesis Spirits

And another content warning, this section is swimming with 'em. This one's pretty fair.

These are the ghosts of guys who died of AIDS or being murdered for having AIDS, which was handled in an even more exterminationy way by the Regime than by the real American government. Want vengeance on surviving ex-Regime people, can become allies if you convince them you helped bring down the Regime.

If I give this one a low rating will someone accuse me of being homophobic? Shan't bother.

The Ooze

Sentient ooze used as an anti-protest/torture weapon by the Regime. Eats you slower than most The Blobs, first encasing you.

Too many of the modern era interpretations do the "what if monster, but phone?" take. 

One Whateley.

Parageometric Savants

Wizard-psychics. Like psykers if they lose control all hell breaks loose.

Two Conqueror Worms.

Rouge Berets

Painter ghosts, ghosts of painters. Wear red hats. Paint a portrait of someone who worked with the Regime, no matter how coerced or distantly, and kills them, then uses their blood to paint the portrait of their next target. Destroy the portrait to delay their attack. The modern hook is that they're now mad about an AI filter that imitates their style.

I feel like if there was one rouge beret, the ghost of a particular anti-Regime or "degenerate art" painter it'd be a stronger concept. And you can put them to rest by finding or restoring their surviving works and getting a gallery to do a show about them... or redirect them to another target by modifying their portrait-in-progress with blood-paint.

Two and a half Erich Zanns.

Sersingers

Intelligent wolfigators who live in sewers and swamps and are also sirens. What is that, three sirens now? I already have the only three sirens I'll ever need.

Zero Xalafus. 

Unholy Tears

An angel statue that weeps blood and gets you possessed by a demon that burns you out in three days. In the WWII era it's a pin-up girl, which is funny.

One... and a half... Tomb Herds.

Vibrats

Human-looking fellas with wings of light, an ancient species which feeds on music. A few were once kept in the Bronx Zoo. Compel musicians to play until they die.

Two and a half Xel'nagas.

The Aftermath Section in Review

Come on let's keep it going keep it moving. 

The Modern Day Section

Blue

A technomantic entity that hunts down and kills people with certain shared or lacked traits with electrical shocks, destroying their devices in the process. A bit more "personality", like that it creates fake social media profiles in online groups to suss out victims would help.

One and a half Nightgaunts.

Botanihive

Mutant trees that absorb selfie-takers lured in by its picturesque appearance... and then uses their phones to fake their continued social media presence and lure in new victims. I like the Belle Époque interpretation bit where they can absorb the talents of their victims - e.g. if it eats a musician, it can then emit enticing music.

One Reanimator.

Catfishes

Fish-man Carcosans that lure in prey through dating apps. Unclear how they do this, as they are not noted to have any illusory, technomantic, or shapeshifting ability. Maybe they only target The Way of Water-loving freaks. Very reminiscent of the Sisterites from the Book of Unremitting Horror.

Half a Yithian.

Chirpers

Pose as an old friend looking to catch up through texts, then gradually isolate their target and drain them of emotion or life-force or whatever. I feel like all of these social media predator monsters would be better off lumped into one sort of monster, with each individual having their own hunting strategy.

Half a Ghoul.

Copycat Killers

They're pretty much just regular copycat killers, but it's noted that mementos left behind by murderers can become infused with Carcosan energy and supernaturally inspire copycat killers, which is an interesting scenario seed. When shit really hits the fan in the modern era, this can swell into whole communities of copycat killers doing murders as, like, social media challenges.

Three Y'ha-nthleis.

Deadshift

A wacky shapeshifter who's also a Dr. Manhattan.

One Lake Hali.

Disintegrators

A band or extreme music subculture that serves the King in Yellow. I like the King's ties to art, I know the standard cosmic horror line is "Nooo!! Nooo the great old ones are so far beyond human existence we're like motes of dust to us!!! They can't care about anything!" but in this Dane age I think it hits better if this perceived core of human essence doesn't actually belong to us. What else could be used like that... love?

Three Ghasts.

Dry-Leaves

Bees? Carcosan bees, which resemble wooden objects like desks and bookshelves for some reason? And they pollinate people with nightmares so that Carcosan honey drips out of their ears? Honestly I respect the audacity. Is there like a factory making these things? Who or what comes to collect the honey?

Three Hounds of Tindalos.

Euphoriums

Yet. Another. Doppelganger.

These guys look like people, they make a drug out of their own tissues, and they can assume the form of anyone who's taken their drug. They've got a limited "memory" of forms, so they're not even like... drug dealers. Too many customers is bad for them.

One Zvilpogghua.

Flatfeet

A flat guy, a shadow guy, a razor-sharp guy who eats Carcosans and anything touched by Carcosan energy. Its entry is too insistent that teaming up with it is a bad idea.

Two Mi-gos.

Flickers

Illusory buildings that appear as casinos or bars or suchlike, luring people within and absorbing them into itself if they remain inside it long enough. Good archetype, think that new Unknown Armies edition has something like it. Each one's got a heart hidden in its own imaginary basement.

Three Byakhees.

The Fontaines

No content warning on this one? I'm going iNsAaAaNe!

Familial cult that's doing the thing from the not-so-good Ari Aster movie, Hereditary. The elderly matriarch is grooming her grandkids into ideal hosts for powerful Carcosan entities. Stealing is far better than repetition.

Two and a half Flying Polyps.

Footlickers

Eel-frogs, can be trained to hunt targets by scent, have a paralytic poison so potent it affects even Carcosans, which is a nice touch. Animals with no particular loyalty to Carcosa, could see PCs capturing and training/harvesting one.

Two Cats of Ulthar.

Glitches

Spiny orb-guys that feed on electricity, can blast you with electricity, and if deprived of electricity from wires and such will feed off the electricity in human nervous systems.

One and a half Zoogs.

Lost Waters

I think there was a Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service story like this.

They're remnants of murder victims disposed of in water bodies. They make you sad because they feed on sadness. It's an addictive kind of sadness, so victims will wallow in the water for hours or guzzle it until their stomachs distend. Nice image. Dispose of the body they spawned from properly to dissipate them.

Two and a half Dholes.

Midnight Mares

Flowering plants that feed on stress and can gallop like a horse. Their pollen can connect the minds of dreamers with the court of the King in Yellow. They are repelled, even killed, by prayer and religious symbols.

One and a half Serpent Men.

Oothecoids

Parasites that take over a host's body, then uses them to kidnap people and encase them in goop to serve as food for their hatchlings. They can spray an enzyme that gets you high. Feels generic.

One Moon-Beast.

The Order of Baphomet

Wealthy artistic demon-worshipers. Lotta overlap with the Golden Sigil guys, and their "think they're Satanists but actually it's Carcosa" bit is shared with the, uh, the Doombringers.

Zero Lengs.

Sadbois

Edgy internet trolls who drain victims of emotions until they turn to stone. Unwitting energy-collectors for a Carcosan "patron" who will eventually harvest them. A little too... you know.

Two Necronomicons.

The Swayed

Generic cultists.

Zero Azathoths.

Talking Heads

Carcosan critters that take over the identities of media personalities and use them to spread MISINFORMATION.

Two Shantaks.

Tesseract

A living AR game that guides the activities of its players to draw sigils in physical reality to increase its power. The three teams of players each echo one of the previous eras, which is neat.

Three Shoggoths.

Wiresnakes

A soul-sucking Carcosan worm that resembles a wire, summoned by occultists and planted among their target's electronic possessions. Kind of stupid, but I like occultists being kind of stupid sometimes.

Half an Insect from Shaggai.

The Modern Section in Review

A weakness of this section is that it lacks the ties to a particular place that the previous ones had (though weaker than the War and Belle Époque eras, the Aftermath one is still set in New York City).

I feel like coming up with decent modern monsters is a difficult, and thus perhaps the best, exercise for coming up with monsters in general. Real make-or-break stuff.

Monday, September 14, 2026

Case Files of the Knights of St. Phanourious: Pinemarten, Ontario - Session 5

Previously:

Session 1

Session 2

Session 3

Session 4

Prepping for a session < Drinking 2L of Coca-Cola Zero™ and bantering for an hour about Slam Frank and so on to pad out the session length

Our party is:
Bart "Codekiller" Regis
Manhoman "Dr. House" Kamaroff (portrayed by friend of the blog deus ex parabola)
Auggy "Shillelagh" Ashe
Rob "The Belt / The Punisher" Wagner 

So: The party is in Rodnovprom's repurposed mining facility, with fire trucks from Sudbury arriving soon to respond to their call for a plan they didn't end up using. Rob makes the party promise that if his head is removed and his brain unspooled that they will take a picture and show it to his daughters. Bart adds that they should also show Rob's daughters Bart's picture of a goblin, as they will surely believe it if shown alongside an unnaturally-mutilated corpse.

After looting the lab they find car keys in the pocket of one of the less-mangled Norsefire corpses, pick up that xanned-out and Hypha'd-up technician, load him up in the back of the car (a grey 2016 Mazda CX-3), and zip out of there just as the fire trucks arrive. They debate ways to convince the technician to come up with a cure for the Hypha, such as by locking him inside an AirBnB and gaslighting him into believing that the Hypha has caused the apocalypse outside.

They get a call from their boss in the Knights of St. Phanourious - A Mr. Alistair Whittwhicky - and are cautioned about the high profile they're making for themselves in Pinemarten. Alistair advises them that their boys in the lab have analyzed the pattern of the sites of the head-removals and brain-unspoolings and found that they form a spiral that starts well out of town and is drawing inwards, centered on the Rodnovprom mine. The party arranges to have a sample of the Hypha mailed back to Knights HQ in England, and for a 'care package' of anti-fungals, ammunition, and amphetamines to be delivered to them in Pinemarten.

Hoping to catch Sarah Chepovetsky, the Rodnovprom CEO, they head to the Rodnovprom office in town, only to find it hastily abandoned due to them live-streaming their slaughter of the Norsefire security team to Sarah last session. Breaking in they set off the alarm, but quickly shut it down, and Codekiller lives up to his name by hacking into Sarah's computer.

Investigating her emails and documents, they find: correspondence with Volodymyr, the head of Norsefire, telling him to knock it off with agitating the locals, conversations with military higher-ups in the Ukrainian and Canadian forces as well as NATO getting hyped for the Hypha project, a back-and-forth with the Hawk & Beetle Club - some rich local weirdos - to get permission to repurpose the mine, and plans to fly back to Kiev out of Toronto in the next couple days. They consider calling in a bomb threat to delay the flight so they can hunt her down, but ultimately decide against it.

On the payroll they find the address of an employee, Adidas Jones, which is along the projected curve of the spiral of unusual killings.

Deciding that at this point they should try and check out the Borderland, Codekiller puts some lo-fi beats to study to to lull Rob to sleep on the break room couch. Rob drifts off and finds himself face-down in a muddy crater, from where he skulks off to a shack in the woods nearby, spooked by the sight of some great shadowy silhouette slowly circling on the horizon.

He finds the shack open to an apartment in some urban center, wherein someone was clearly tortured, with notes in Cyrillic written on napkins on a table. He snaps pictures of the location and the notes on his phone (which was on his person when he fell asleep - his clothes and such are also the same as in his sleeping condition), then tries the door to the kitchen only to find it opens to an underground pantry. In there he goes up through the trapdoor and finds himself in a partially-collapsed warehouse.

In the warehouse he encounters a skittish young soldier named Vasily (who Rob recognizes from a comatose body in the mine facility), who informs him that they're stuck in some sort of living hell wherein they can't permanently die, and that his fellow soldiers have snapped from the stress under the 'leadership' (repeated torture and murder) of a man named Mikhail, and are now hunting down anyone they can get their hands on - among other threats like screaming drones with the faces of men and bipedal wolves and so on.

Rob gets Vasily to shoot him in the head, which he does, and Rob jolts awake back in the Rodnovprom office. He informs the party of what he learned and transcribes the notes from the photos he took in the Borderland. Bart translates them and finds they are a transcript of the capture and interrogation of Moroz (the mentally-disturbed homeless man they themselves tormented for several sessions).

They resolve that next time they should all inject the Hypha and enter the Borderland together. 

Join us next week(?) for more oodles of fun.

Sunday, September 13, 2026

Case Files of the Knights of St. Phanourious: Pinemarten, Ontario - Session 4

Previously:

Session 1

Session 2

Session 3

Peace was never an option.

Our party is:
Bart "Codekiller" Regis
Manhoman "Dr. House" Kamaroff (portrayed by friend of the blog deus ex parabola)
Auggy "Shillelagh" Ashe
Rob "The Belt / The Punisher" Wagner

They begin this session in Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms, Rob surrounded by armed guards in a wrecked van, Auggy hiding with a terrified teenage arsonist, and Manhoman tending to a shot Bart in the woods nearby.

I'm writing this a few weeks after the session and through banks of brain-fog, so this will be less of a beat-by-beat summary and more of a gisticulation of the session:

  • Outnumbered and outgunned, the party surrenders, and are taken prisoner by the remaining Norsefire personnel, who accuse them of being Russian spies.
  • They are brought to a medical facility hidden inside the defunct mine, where comatose and severely-injured people are being held in rows of medical beds, hooked up to IVs and monitors and suchlike.
  • Rob, the first to be captured, is strapped to a bed and hooked up to an IV - though he was cleverly able to hide a holdout pistol on himself that got through the pat-down.
  • Not willing to be injected with whatever it was the goons were planning on injecting them with, the party tussles with them, and through a truly divine series of rolls actually turns the tables on the Norsefire guys, and have them pinned behind a medical bed.
  • Attempting to negotiate, the head of the Norsefire squad tosses the party his phone, on a call to his boss, the CEO of Rodnovprom, Sarah Chepovetsky.
  • The party is unwilling to make a deal, and accuse Rodnovprom of being behind the monster that's been unspooling people's brain-matter. Sarah professes ignorance, the party does not buy it, and with an improvised explosive blast the remaining goons to kingdom come.
  • The party then searches through the mine-facility, looking for clues and survival horror game environmental storytelling voice logs.
  • They make their way to the grow-op section of the facility, where they find and intimidate a technician - the same technician who was supplying Debbie and Marlin. He tells them that the facility is growing a fungoid hyper-dimensional organism they call "the Hypha", which is able to link the minds of those in suppressed states of consciousness into a shared dream-realm called the Borderland created from their memories. Rodnovprom aimed to use the minds of casualties of the Russian-Ukraine War to create a next-gen military training simulator for NATO.
  •  They press the technician for a cure for the Hypha, or else a way to extract it from Rob, but he says he doesn't know how. They kill him, or maybe they don't, I'll have to double-check, and then they leave the facility.

Wednesday, September 9, 2026

Video Game Reviews

Look ma, I'm like that more-respected and better-liked RPG bloggerman: https://throneofsalt.blogspot.com/2026/08/dan-plays-games-12.html

The appeal of stagnation is a sort of anti-Sisyphus - the delusion that if I can just stay put atop my hill with my boulder then none of the three of us will be worn away by time. But our God is a consuming fire, Time is the Concept, and no substantial thing may pass through the alembic untransformed.

The Red Pearls of Borneo

A fun little "fill in the blanks" style puzzle/detective game, like the Return of the Obra Piece of Shit (I didn't like that game at all, pure overhype) or The Roottrees are Dead, recommended to me personally (he posted the recommendation publicly on the GLOG server but I've learned to read the secret signs) by friend of the blog Phlox. I saw a guy claiming to be Bornean (Borneoian?) say that the game is well-researched, so I choose to believe it.

Puzzle games for me must navigate the razor's edge between so easy they're trivial and unfair bullshit that makes me rage-quit. Blue Prince managed to walk that edge for quite some time, not helped at all by the random draw stuff. Red Pearls managed it just about the whole way through, with a system where you can read the psychic impressions off objects to get partial viewpoints of a scene even when you don't have the whole picture yet.
 
The story was compelling enough with its writing and ironic twists and so on to keep me playing the whole way through. The much-maligned epilogue even got me to care about some of the characters, and I appreciate that one of the binary choices at the end lets you just fuck up these people's lives and trust in each other for no reason. Psychics should be kind of sociopathic, just by virtue of what they're capable of and you're not - that new Spiderman movie did this well.

Decade
 
Speaking of sociopathy lol - Decade is a eurogame (Finnish I think?) about children with a time machine in a post-apocalyptic future with very bad rain, the very worst rain. You play as the child-commander, who uses the machine to send your child-soldiers back in time in ten-year segments along with whatever you've managed to scrounge and learn from the past, aiming to create a better future but sometimes fucking things up and creating a Logan's Run world of body-fascists.
 
Decade does not thread the puzzle game needle that Red Pearls did - it is at many points obtuse and European. Still - cool idea, good writing, and interesting ideas almost make up for that, and it's very funny to be like a twelve year old ordering eighty year olds with decades of combat experience into yet another useless and this time likely fatal mission.

Saints Row IV

Part of an at least semi-popular trend of those superhero sandbox games... you know what I'm talking about? Like Infamous 1 & 2, Prototype 1 & 2, Hulk: Ultimate Destruction, and so on and so on. I never played the other Saints Row games, but you don't really have to for this one.
 
Repetitive and at times very tedious -  there is one sort of mission where you have to throw yourself into traffic to build up an insurance payout, which should be fun, but I swear I was in this one mission for like twenty minutes trying to rack up enough points, it suuucked - however the moment-to-moment power fantasy stuff is well put-together. Aggressively Xillennial humour. Could've been gorier, and overall for this genre I prefer the Prototype series.
 
Also, I really hate games set in a simulation - No Man's Sky I'm looking at you - I am already aware the game is fake, you don't need to rub my nose in it like I'm a dog that shit on your carpet. Saints Row IV is slightly better because there is a "real" outside the simulation, but still, my jouissance is greater if it's real-fake people I'm fucking with than fake-fake people. 

Peak

One of those trendy multiplayerslop games (is that the term for them?) which me and my boys were playing like a month or two ago. It has its moments, but is too hard, and kind of lame with multiplayer stuff - e.g. in some areas the only real way up is some item that maybe only one player has and can use, like the rescue claw, and maybe that could work into some cool moment where that one player (me, I'm the best at this game among my boys >:^)) makes it to the top and resurrects the rest, but no, you can't have fun and overcome adversity, there's a monster guy who hunts you down if you get too far from the other players and kills you, and he can only really be evaded if you've got another specific item (the piton), and even if you do manage your way to the top and resurrect your friends there's a permanent curse debuff to their stamina bar so hope you enjoy death spirals.
 
I think there's some menu where you can fiddle around with these specifics but we never bothered with that. 

Easy Red 2

The new, much better game that me and my boys are playing now. It's a World War II FPS with big armies and tanks and planes and artillery and whatnot going at each other. It's fun to try and win as the underdog with shitty weapons like the Japanese or Romanians, and aerial dogfighting is a highlight. Fuckin anti-tank guns are bullshit though. When we play as the Nazis I make sure to shake my head every now and again so people know I don't support their politics.

The Sapling and Planetary Life

Both essentially the same game so they get the same entry - fun little evolution-simulators that almost come close to mending a fraction of the hole left behind my ribs by the disappointment of Spore. I think they took out the graphics in my copy of Planetary Life and I can't figure out how to fix it.

Half Sword

Damn do I ever love Half Sword.

Alright so you know how in most videogames guys have HP? Abstract health points that get dinged every time you take a hit? An UTTER WASTE of the potential of the medium.

Half Sword doesn't do HP - instead, it models characters' tissues, the force and angle of strikes, and so on and so on, so that you don't "do 1d6 damage" or whatever, you graze the guy or chop his head smoove off, based on how you actually swing at him, because it's a physics simulator thing, and armour doesn't just reduce damage or whatever, it's also simulated, you can't chop through steel plate so you have to get tricky, try to get the point of your sword into a joint and drive it in.

Nigh-endlessly replayable, tactical infinity, you can go back to the little leagues where you're a bigass juggernaut knight and bully the scrawny peasants, you can beat their heads in with a washbasin or pimp slap them into next week, you can beat a man's friend to death with his severed leg, still regularly getting updates, ooowee what a game.

Tuesday, September 1, 2026

D6x7 Anodyne Androids

Click the button below to get your androids:


Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here: https://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D6 This android looks
1 like a waxy, poreless, but otherwise photorealistic replica of a historical personage.
2 like a plastic mannequin, pale and shiny and stiff.
3 like a humanoid form made of molded metal slats.
4 like a boneless, stretchy, cartoonishly-simplified rubber model of a human being.
5 like synthetic skin stretched translucent-thin over a polygonal frame that snaps into new positions in lieu of having human-like joints.
6 like a porcelain doll, with ball-joints and painted-on colours.
D6 This android was designed
1 as a cheap and easily-replaced soldier.
2 as an every-use personal companion and assistant.
3 as a household servant.
4 as an uncomplaining, flexible-role employee.
5 as an expendably hands-on researcher.
6 as a supplementary explorer of other worlds, more resistant to radiation and hostile environments and suchlike.
D6 This android moves
1 with exacting, unnatural precision and efficiency.
2 like an insect, with periods of stillness interrupted by sudden jerking movement.
3 like someone underwater, with drifting, sweeping motions.
4 like a stumbling marionette on invisible strings.
5 like a drunk trying to keep their balance.
6 like a character in a videogame, with the exact same motions for similar actions.
D6 This android talks
1 in a "funny" foreign-esque accent meant to amuse you.
2 in the voice of one of your relatives - ripped from calls and social media.
3 in prolix, agreeable, flattering, often -incoherent rants.
4 in a buzzing, glitchy manner.
5 in a monotone drone that randomly & over-emotionally stresses some syllables.
6 in clipped, staccato, minimally-sufficient statements.
D6 This android's eyes
1 are vantablack blanks that reflect nothing yet whir at a constant low noisesomeness.
2 are protruding camera-lenses that snap whenever the android wants to record a photographic scene.
3 are insectile compound panes with dozens of pupils that whip about blurringly.
4 are glowing blue orbs that signal their attention with cerulean-tinged spotlights.
5 are googly, cocked, glassy adornments, not even a part of its sensory suite.
6 are bloodshot cyborganic grafts granting unhackable visuals.
D6 The fluid which fills this android in lieu of blood
1 is a teal froth that rapidly expands into bubbles when exposed to air, then pops into elastic sheets.
2 is a mass of gelatinous crimson globules like pomegranate seeds.
3 is a midnight purple oil which sputters into flames of a similar colour when spilled.
4 is a chunky yellowish substance which, being under high pressure within the android, splatters out from injuries with great force and hardens swiftly.
5 is a glowing pink sludge that forms fractal puddles.
6 is an orange solution which sublimates into a noxious vapour when exposed to the atmosphere.
D6 This android is programmed
1 to go on a killing spree at an opportune moment to drive up fear of androids.
2 to spy on its owner on behalf of its manufacturer.
3 secretly with the emulated mind of a human.
4 by an alien computer virus to subvert cybernetic systems.
5 to interpret orders in a self-serving way.
6 with exponentially-advancing code that will inevitably result in rampancy.

Bonus:

D20 What historical personage does this android resemble?
1 Napoleon I
2 Sigmund Freud
3 Elvis
4 Marilyn Monroe
5 Joan of Arc
6 Public Universal Friend
7 Oscar Wilde
8 Albert Einstein
9 Abraham Lincoln
10 Vladimir Lenin
11 Florence Nightingale
12 Marie Antoinette
13 Edward de Vere
14 Queen Elizabeth I
15 Frida Kahlo
16 Boudica
17 Mata Hari
18 Ada Lovelace
19 Virginia Woolf
20 Coco Chanel

Monday, August 31, 2026

GLOGust 2026 Challenge 6: GLOG Class: The Tetraptych-Backed Orphans

GLOGust

With special thanks to Locheil for the challenge.

The challenge for this post is "A short class with four A templates, which can be taken in any order.".

Pity the one who is alone in this world, for they have no family.

You have three siblings - a father, once, but he is dead now.

He was a painter of some renown. You are your siblings were to be his magnum opus. He was not a kind man, but making you special made up for that. There is a painting on your back, but it is not complete. It is meant to be paired with the paintings on the backs of your siblings. They are impossible paintings which never fade, with depth and hues that flesh shouldn't support.

Your siblings get whichever templates you didn't pick. The player to your left comes up with one sibling, the player to your right another, and the player across from you the last - or whatever other arrangement you can agree on.

Roll a d4 to determine which of you was responsible for your father's death. One of your siblings is friendly towards you, one is neutral, and one is hostile.

To attain another Tetraptych-Backed Orphan template you must gain sufficient XP in the usual way, and also force one of your siblings to admit defeat and surrender their share of your father's magnum opus to you.

GLOG Class: The Tetraptych-Backed Orphans
Equipment: Smock, 2d6 silver coins, easel, painting supplies
+1 to others' saves vs. your illusions for every Tetraptych-Backed Orphan template you have (because this is Many Rats on a Stick GLOG and saves are roll-under)

A, Cerulean: Blue Pigment, +3 Palette Slots

OR

A, Cinnabar:
 Red Pigment, +3 Palette Slots

OR

A, Smaragdine:
 Green Pigment, +3 Palette Slots

OR

A, Silver: Metallic Pigment, +3 Palette Slots

Pigments: Touch something with a colour matching a pigment you possess. Record the image of that something under your palette slots. Afterwards, you can paint an illusion of the image of that something in the air with your hands, expending it from your palette. This takes one round of action. To begin with, your illusions are still, silent, and can be no bigger than you are, though as you acquire more templates this will change. Your illusions last a day, or until something interacts with them enough to disrupt the pigment that composes them. Something can only be drawn on for its pigment once.

Palette Slots: A parallel inventory, but only for harvested pigments.

Δ Template - Deep Purple: 
Acquire the Cerulean and Cinnabar pigments.
If a creature fails a save against your illusions, they will be psychosomatically affected by it as if they're real, e.g. feel the resistance of an illusory wall, or take non-lethal damage from the pain of an illusory flame, and so on and so on.

Δ Template - Tealios: 
Acquire the Cerulean and Smaragdine pigments.
Your can now blow pigment away on your breath, creating an illusion anywhere within your line of sight.

Δ Template - Azure: 
Acquire the Cerulean and Silver pigments.
Your illusions can now be arbitrarily large, so long as the upper limit of their size is defined by other illusions you've painted - e.g. if you paint three illusions creating a triangle with 50-feet-long sides, you can then create another illusion within the bounds of this triangle that is as big as the triangle's area.

Δ Template - Muddling: 
Acquire the Cinnabar and Smaragdine pigments.
You can mix two or more pigments you've acquired, creating a new pigment with aspects of its component-pigments, destroying the components in the process. E.g. you could take a pigment of "bloodied bandit" and mix it with a pigment of "tree" to create a pigment of "bloodied bandit in a tree" or "bloody tree" or "bandit in a tree costume" or whatever else.

Δ Template - Gules: 
Acquire the Cinnabar and Silver pigments.
Illusions can now be animated and produce noise appropriate to what they're made in the image of.

Δ Template - Vert: 
Acquire the 
Smaragdine and Silver pigments.
When you create an illusion, choose one of two: Either the illusion now lasts a week, or they still last a day but being interacted with isn't enough to disrupt them anymore.

Δ Template - Primeall:
Acquire the Cerulean, Cinnabar, and Smaragdine pigments.
You can paint an illusion over a creature, and if they fail their save they will believe that they are whatever you've painted them to be until the illusion ends or another sees through the illusion and shakes them out of it.

Δ Template - Red Sun Over Paradise:
Acquire the Cerulean, Cinnabar, and Silver pigments.
When you create an illusion you can shorten its lifespan to effectively make it real. It will interact and act with the world as though it is what it is the image of. If the illusion would otherwise last a day it now lasts 1d6 rounds, and if it would last a week it now lasts 1d6 ten-minute turns.

Δ Template - Rust:
Acquire the Cerulean, Smaragdine, and Silver pigments.
If an illusion you create has eyes you can see through them, and if it has ears you can hear through them, and so on and suchlike.

Δ Template - Tinsel:
Acquire the Silver, Cinnabar, and Smaragdine pigments.
Your illusions can be imbued with the intelligence of whatever their pigment depicts, and commanded to react independently to circumstances accordingly.

Δ Template - Painted World:
Acquire all templates of 
the Tetraptych-Backed Orphans.

Your work is complete. You are complete.

The painting on your back can become a portal to another world. It will be a world of your own making.

The world is a pocket world, bordered by colourless empty space. It may be modeled as a pointcrawl, hexcrawl, a depthcrawl, or suchlike as you determine space to work within it.

Each pigment you're currently holding can be made into a location, creature, object, etc. within your world.

You can at any point detach the painting from your back to make it a free-standing portal, but cannot thereafter move it. You can control the passage of things through your portal, and detect when something is trying to do so.

GLOGust 2026 Challenge 1: Some Artefacts - The Second Dossier

GLOGust

With special thanks to Phlox for the challenge.

The challenge for this post is "Sequel to a Blogpost from Last Year". The blogpost from last year I'm sequelizing is this one: https://archonsmarchon.blogspot.com/2025/07/some-artefacts-first-dossier.html. Both this post and the last are riffing off this post: https://crateredland.blogspot.com/2025/07/facility-artefact-classification.html by friend of the blog Lexi.

Oχ - Fuck Your Excuses In The Ass!: A Bastard's Guide To Making Success Your Bitch: A profanity-laden self-help guide which includes nuggets of wisdom such as "Don't be a PUSSY when it comes to the next Big Thing!" and "If you're not WORKING UP a sweat in the Smith Machine, you're gonna be sweating in the boardroom, you stupid PIECE of SHIT!". Readers of the book, particularly when they attempt to apply its advice to their lives, exhibit a gradual decline in vocabulary and impulse control, losing the ability to express themselves except with excessive expletives (and in especially serious cases with nothing but expletives), and experiencing both more intense emotions and a weakening filter between those emotions and immediate action. Previous serious cases of exposure to this book's memetic effect have been able to be passed off as, and were likely exacerbated by, stimulant psychosis.

Lτ - The Anywhere Room: Tudor-style room without furniture. Stained wooden paneling, molded plaster ceiling, velvet curtains covering a window along one wall letting diffuse light in. Scratches along every reachable surface, but the blood has been cleaned out. Accessible from any door via a precise pattern of knocks - however once entered you cannot leave until someone else has taken your place. Do not look out the window.

EΨ - The Balsam Lake Lillypadian: An obscure cryptid which resembles a broad, flat, translucent disc with innumerable hair-thin tendrils trailing from its underside. According to local lore, the Lillypadian only comes out when it rains - a time during which it is nigh-invisible. Known only to the Organization, however, is the fact that when it rains the Lillypadian extracts buried corpses from their graves and washes them in rivers, somehow reducing them and reanimating them into roughly one-foot-tall "servitors" which cohabitate with the cryptid in its lairs. These servitors wear out over the course of months, and the Lillypadian maintains a group of six to eight of the things at once. The skeletons of disposed-of servitors have led to rumours of another cryptid in the area: a minuscule counterpart to Bigfoot. The Lillypadian is monitored by an observation team masquerading as an off-the-grid homesteader married couple, though recent reports suggest that the "wife" of the pair is developing an erotic obsession with the entity.

OΚ - Guilty Party: A fruit-themed board game which appears to groups of friends in isolated locations - holiday cabins and suchlike. It was originally believed that the game was placed in these locations by a human aide, but this has been ruled out after the game disappeared from the locked briefcase of a containment team while it was handcuffed to the team lead's wrist. The game's aim seems to be to turn those who play it against each other to the point of fatal violence. This is accomplished via special actions and activities the game prompts in play, including the Court of Apple-eals, the Punch-Down Bowl, the Confess-ction Booth, and the Bloody Ban-ana. Refusing to continue to play the game once it's begun, or refusing to participate in a drawn activity, will get the offending player placed in the Pear-ade of Agonies.

PΩ - The Mess at Izzy's Pastaria: Temporal recursions - that is to say, time loops - are recurrent-enough anomalous phenomenon to have their own generally-agreed-upon sub-categories. Some Organization scientists even believe that all time loops have the same source, stemming from the same agency or entity using them to turn sections of our space-time into a Petri dish. As time loops can only really be recognized by those outside them after they've ended, they are identified by what they leave behind - insensitively termed "causal poop". The Mess is a type I temporal recursion, because its causal poop is of the Long-Term Memory Overgrowth Syndrome variety - the people stuck in it apparently retained their memories of prior loops, leading to cumulative growth of nervous tissue that eventually made their heads explode all over Izzy's Pastaria (a family establishment which has never recovered reputationally from the incident).

Eτ - The Lady at the Crossing on 45th Street: Apparently an old lady with heavy make-up, a leopard-print coat, and big golden hoop earrings. If you offer to help her across the street she'll accept, and while walking with you share profanity-laden gossip about random people in your life that will always be true. Who these people will be and how deep the gossip is are random. The lady is surprisingly unsteady, and if allowed to stumble or if one acts offended at what she says, she will turn her insults on you, and every one of them will turn out to be true. Once helped across, the lady won't appear again for about a week. Where she comes from and where she goes after are as yet unknown. Agents making use of the ladies' services are required to report any gossip she spills about their superiors in the Organization.

Lβ - The House With Many Walls: A place well-known in occulture, second in infamy perhaps only to the Public Universal Bathroom. The firm Euler & Crake have in the last couple years launched expeditions into the House to colonize it, make it into a globally-accessible safehouse and transit node, and in their typical ruthlessly efficient manner have made great strides towards this.

OΔ - Mug of White Male Tears: A malformed mug somewhere in appearance between a Pythagorean cup, a Klein bottle, and the Elephant's Foot. The paint-job is much higher quality - rings of dainty little fuchsias on a white background. The mug is a hyper-dimensional object with internal reservoirs of hard-to-measure volumes. These reservoirs can be filled with various sorts of tears to produce various effects, from clouds of butterflies somehow still alive despite their hemolyph being replaced with champagne, to an insatiable cannibalistic hunger for eyeballs, to opening liquid portals to another dimension - apparently depending on the age and gender of the person the tears came from, the emotion that caused them to shed the tears, and other as-yet-unidentified factors. Study of these effects has been complicated by the aforementioned hyper-geometry of the object - tear-reservoirs mixing internally seems to correlate with undesirable outcomes.

Pχ - The Airce Heebie-Jeebies: A psychosomatic disorder endemic to the mountain resort town of Airce, Alberta. Those affected report itchiness, the sense that something living is moving through the pipes of their home, and a compulsion to scoop up, melt, and/or eat snow. The disorder appears in new arrivals, and disappears within a few months of living in Airce. The Organization wouldn't normally make a file on something like this, but a higher-up's niece recently moved to Airce and moved resources to make it happen.

Eπ - Green Mary: A woman who appears several-months pregnant. Mary is not her actual name. She is pregnant with a tree. Prone to automatic writing with whatever materials are available - for her comfort paper and pens are to be provided to her. Organization scientists are attempting to decipher her writings, but so far the real value of keeping her contained has been frustrating the cultist weirdos who venerate her as a conduit to their deities.