Tuesday, July 7, 2020


(This is a fun format: https://throneofsalt.blogspot.com/2020/07/collected-material-evidence.html)

Top Ten Medical Gross-Outs You Won't Believe! (Number 2)

[Video Is Not Available In Your Country]

These doctors must have been pretty shocked when a routine sarcoma surgery found this huge lump in that guy's thigh! You're looking at a teratoma, a kind of tumour that can grow entire organs like teeth and eyes! Yuck! Just look at that thing wriggle! Remember to eat your anti-oxidants readers, or next thing you know, this could be you!


Dr. James Buleygy, Remote Lecture Session 3 (timestamp: 11:07-11:49):

“The sole territory remaining to the slave is their body. They might starve it, wound it, deprive it of sleep, and thereby reclaim ownership over it. Real ownership is power over something. It is the ability to impose limits on its nature and behaviours, even its very existence. Compared to that, legal ownership is only words. The bird with a broken wing cannot fly away, yet remains just as beautiful.”


[Worn Greek carved into marble wall. Footnote of translation reads 'Samarkand. Greco-Bactrian?']: "Nothing between the legs of women or men can please me any longer. I have found a new hole. Farewell!"

Excerpt from anonymous comment under the post “All About The Monkeysphere” on the blog Wowfacts (archive retrieval March XX, 20XX):

“So there’s a limit on how many people you can really know, know who they are to you, know who they are to other people. Good. Great. I don’t even know fifty people on facebook, I should be fine on that front.

But what’s the limit on everything else we can know? I mean really know, know like you can know people. I could rattle off politicians, scandals, Watergate, Billygate, Picklegate, Russiagate, -gate -gate -gate -gate -gate, (why’s it always a gate? What are they letting in?) but I couldn’t tell you what any of them were on anything but the most superficial level. Its constant, and it’s only ever getting faster. My brain’s getting sandblasted. I forgot the word for laundry yesterday.

Knowing’s not important. We’re not a knowledge economy anymore. What’s coming next? What possible use could the people in charge have for citizens who forget what happened last week because they’re getting inundated with a hundred more and more urgent things happening this week? I think I know, I think that’s one of the few things I still know, and it scares me a lot.”


Watercolour ("The Woods", first gallery appearance 1967, artist disputed): Dense trees. Intricate detail in the bark and the tangling of the branches. Seen under the influence of hallucinogens will always produce hallucinations of various human and animal faces in the patterns of the bark and branches, laughing, leering, and biting at each other.


[JPEG image of pulp paper book page, suffering moderate degradation. A passage has been highlighted in yellow. The letters have been digitally cleaned up]: "The serf was bound to their lord's land. Straying could be punished severely. The surplus of their labour is what sustained and enriched the aristocracy, and so the serf had to be strictly controlled.

Compare this to the condition of modern workers. They are laid off, fired, furloughed, automated away. If they're lucky they're given a pittance to survive after, and called leeches for it. The labour of the modern worker is no longer necessary for their society's survival. They themselves are the surplus which must be consumed."


Headline of the Little River Herald, 6/14/20XX: Tainted Wine Possible Factor In Women's Book Club Spree Killing


Excerpt from transcribedtopography.com:

"The human species (and all formerly existing variants) are a Linguistic Species which has come to exist in a Mathematical Universe. The Human Experience is expressible in poetry and music and rhetoric but the same fail to express simple mathematical necessities such as Trajectory and Angle. By corollary 1 + 1 and all complex descendants of the Same cannot be used to express even one line from Shakespeare (of course do not be stupid in interpreting I do no mean merely the shape of its letters and modulation of sound waves in pronunciation of its Words but the Qualia inspired).

It is our incompatibility with the Mathematical Universe which is the condition that ultimately constrains humanity under Suffering. There is only So Much food there is only So Much space there is only So Much clean air and water. I have enjoyed (and am enjoying as I write this) and millions of others have enjoyed the stylings of Beethoven across his Oeuvre without a mote of diminishment. I have desired and grieved and raged without limit in my life.

We Do Not Belong here, and It Does Not Belong in our souls. The so-called rational mind is a trespasser who attempts to pass himself as the master of the house, a reducing and instrumentalizing most unwelcome guest. Follow the path of Our Lord and his most faithful disciple Carl Jung, become Baptized in the Collective Unconscious, wash away the Sin that is the modern world and its false words and reveal the Cage that it is built atop of. All who would be Brother To Brother must join me. The Flood is coming again."


Encylcopedia Alternata Entry: Logion

Prions are misfolded proteins with the ability to transmit their misfolded shape onto normal variants of the same protein.

Logions are malformed data with the ability to "collapse" information processed or stored within the same system into simulacra of themselves.

Certain altered states of consciousness and psychoses can provide resistance to logion exposure. A strong dose of something weird is recommended before exposing oneself to areas rated F-BLUE or lower.


The Word is your god, not Ours

Thursday, July 2, 2020

D20 Fates Other Than Just Dying When You Reach Less Than Zero HP

Respice post te! Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori!

D20 Fates Other Than Just Dying When You Reach <0 HP

1. Retirement

You've gotten too old for this shit. When you return to town you immediately retire to a quality of life that is appropriate to your remaining wealth and skill set.

2. Amnesia

Catastrophic brain trauma! You forget just about everything besides how to walk and talk. Return to level 0. Perhaps some miracle could return your lost memories.

3. Haunting

Your ghost disperses, possessing the entire dungeon level (or building floor, or forest glade, or whatever) that you're in. You can open and shut doors, operate traps, and do whatever else the DM deems appropriate for a poltergeist. If you kill another PC you can possess their body.

4. Changeling

Your body falls apart into a pile of mouse bones and rotting leaves. You were a changeling the whole time, a replacement left by the fairies who stole your original self. Do your friends care enough to rescue you from their clutches?

Who took you?
Where are you now?
The Marquis of Missed Marks, an enthusiastically incompetent hunter and maker of faux pas.
Chained to a table, stuck in an endless card game with half-dog half-human hybrids. The chips you gamble with represent bits of your humanity.
The Prince of Dawn’s First Glimpse, who rules the moment when the sun becomes visible over the horizon.
Straining against the harness of a racing chariot. The winner is set free with a golden laurel, but you’re up against phantasmagorical beasts.
Kur, son of Kur. He is his own father and child. Has serious daddy issues/identity complex.
Hanging in a giant birdcage, stitched into a bird costume, forced to compete in singing contests with giant intelligent canaries for seeds.
Yon-Hob-o’-the-Whale-Roads, whose cetacean servants snatch drowning souls from the grasp of Davy Jones.
Futiley attempting to finish cleaning a house with no walls or roof in the midst of a hurricane. Slimy halibut are strapped to your feet.
The Queen of Loves Lost by Morning, whose subjects are lovers known only in dreams.
The wedding of Salt and the Slug Countess. All present agree it’s an awful pairing, but courtesy demands indirectness. The speeches stretch on.
The Hound of Ripolies, cursed by their lord to go about on all fours and fetch amusing people from the mortal world.
The funeral of Vierad Lifedrinker, who vehemently disagrees with being buried. Its ghoulish scions hide among the mourners and scheme to release it.

5. Metempsychosis

Your body is dead, but your mind is free! It takes over the nearest creature which fits the description as follows (intelligent creatures can contest with a save):

1: Vermin
2: Distant relative
3: Hireling
4: Beast
5: Non-human humanoid
6: Statue, doll, suit of armour, or similar object (becomes animated)

You retain any mental stats and abilities, but take on the physical stats and abilities of your new body.

6. Turncoat

Heroism is too much trouble. You're gonna join the winning team. Run away and join the monster faction of your choice. Become an NPC, or don't, I'm not your boss.

7. Zombified

You die, but don't stay down. You're a zombie now. You can't heal without unholy magic, and take 1d6 damage every day you don't eat fresh brains. Decent sorts avoid your company. Die for good the next time you hit 0 HP.

8. Desperate Charity

You crossed over to the other side for just a moment, and what awaited to was not pleasant. When you return to town you donate your wealth and everything else you own to a worthy cause in a bid to buy your way to a better afterlife.

9. Mortal Injury

You survive momentarily by sheer luck, but were dealt a blow that will make you drop dead in 1d6 days. It would take powerful magic to save you from that doom. Do with your time left as you will.

10. Revelation

On the verge of death you peek beyond the veil and behold the divine. Your adventures must involve seizing artifacts or locations relevant to your new faith, desecrating those of competing faiths, or similar missions. Whenever you talk you must drop references to your novel beliefs. Should you ever fail to do this you leave the adventuring life at the next opportunity to preach your revelation to all who will listen and many who will not.

11. I'm Fucking Invincible!

You just barely survive, and become recklessly convinced of your own immortality. When presented with potentially lethal choices, you must take the riskiest option.

12. Hideously Scarred

You survive, but are grotesquely disfigured by the experience. Unless you go about fully covered up, children will run and scream at the sight of you, the elderly will suffer heart attacks, townsfolk will faint, and no civilized place will tolerate you on its premises.

13. Plague-Bearer

A terrible infection takes root in your wounds. Roll a random disease, preferably on a table with some nasty ones. Anyone you touch, and anyone who touches something you've touched without sterilizing it, must save or contract the same disease. You yourself can never be cured of it, but it will never kill you.

14. Pacifist

You lose your stomach for violence. You can never again willingly harm another living creature, and the sight of blood makes you retch.

15. Possessed

You slipped from your body for but a moment, and something other has slithered in to cozy up beside you:

What is it, and what does it want?
When does it emerge?
A demon: To deepen and prolong your suffering
While you sleep
A revenant: To extravagantly avenge its murder
During nights of the new moon
A trickster spirit: To fuck with people and teach a lesson or something maybe
While you are drunk, enchanted, or otherwise mind-altered
A faded godling: To revive its cult, get people devoted to its obscure domain
When you are splashed with water, only reverting when splashed again
The egregore of a revolutionary movement: To rebel against the status quo
When you are wounded in a similar way to what almost killed you, until healed
An angel: To reward or punish others according to their sins or good deeds
For 1d6 10-minute turns after being exposed to a bright light or loud noise

16. Thanatophobia

Should you pull through, your near-death shakes you to your core. You become obsessed with avoiding death at any cost. You'll sell out your closest friends if it means saving your own skin. You seek out immortality, finding even the most wretched forms of undeath preferable to your mortality.

17. Thaumamorphification

Your soul explodes at the moment of your demise, searing a new, unique spell into the ground where your corpse lies. This spell reflects your character and capabilities, and if spells in your game have levels it is the highest spell level a magic-user of your level could cast. Work with your DM & fellow players to come up with something appropriate.

18. Swallowed

As you're about to die, a giant fish/eagle/worm/etc. (as appropriate to your current environment) bursts in, swallows you whole, and flees. You somehow survive in its stomach, like Jonah. You could survive like that for quite a while. If your companions can hunt it down and cut it open you'll be unharmed inside.

19. Familiar

Your drifting spirit is caught in the ritual of a budding occultist. You are transformed into their familiar. They are a first level magic-user (or your game's equivalent). Consult the table for your new form and your new partner:

What is your new form?
Who has taken you as their familiar
A gaunt toad with eyeballs floating in the fluid of your translucent warts
A lonely, bitter old man left with nothing but spite for the people who abandoned him
A mangy crow with snaggled human teeth crowding your beak
A precocious orphan convinced that the dark paths can offer them power and recognition
A flayed cat wearing its own pelt as a cloak
The bored wife of a traveling merchant
A pus-crusted possum that weeps black flies
A half-feral fur trapper caught between true wilderness and the edge of civilization
A skull that walks about on hairy spider legs
A normally-timid librarian who on a drunken whim experimented with a locked-away tome
Much like your old one, only as tall as a man’s hand, and with empty holes where your eyes and ears and nose should be
A petty courtier in a minor court who seeks any means to advance their position

20. Beatified

Somehow you've gained an honourable entrance into some heaven, upper plane, ascended consciousness realm, or whatever. A part of your corpse becomes a relic that grants magic power to its bearer. Some mystically-inclined sorts receive visions of your life and death and start a cult to venerate you.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

D6x6 Suspiciously Spacious Sewers

This is the inevitable result of fluoridated public water systems.

D6This sewer’s so damn big because
1it was expanded by an invading army in a sapping operation.
2the city above is a hub for chthonian mystery cults who use the underground for their rites and temples.
3its builders incorporated the existing cave network below the city.
4it’s built through the ruins of a previous city which was ruined and sunk beneath the earth.
5it was constructed by a team of golems who never received the order to stop constructing it.
6it was originally intended to be a supersized alchemical apparatus to extract the fundamentum profundus.
D6Something you’ll probably want to avoid in this sewer is
1the clans of albino crocodile-folk.
2the swarms of rats that have learned to hollow out the space between skin and bone to puppeteer bodies as their own.
3the grimy naiads corrupted by dumped pollution.
4corrupted memetic organisms dumped from the Akashic Records.
5man-eating giant eels that lurk in the pipes.
6a cabal of sorcerous newt-things who plot to overthrow the dominion of all things furred, feathered, and scaled.
D6Something you might want to enter this sewer for regardless is
1its infamous black market which sells the most vehemently forbidden materials above and below the earth.
2the hoard of a prolific cat burglar who challenged any would-be successor to find it shortly before being hanged on the gallows.
3an interplanar gateway to the Mudtropolis of Goblinkind.
4artifacts discarded by the gods themselves at the dawn of creation, which obey different conventions than everything else.
5sewer-hippos, which can be loyal and terrifying war-beasts if raised from infancy.
6a legendary chamber that is said to erase anything that enters it from the memory of the rest of the world.
D6Some other people you might encounter in this sewer are
1tosher-gangs in scrap-wood gondolas, scrubbing the muck for dumped valuables.
2the toiling, literal underclass of a culture long-fallen, unwilling to stop their menial work for fear their masters will return.
3terrified indigents, and the aristocratic youths in oiled leathers hunting them for amusement.
4unwashed aspiring Diogeneses.
5smugglers moving high-value, highly illegal product through where the law fears to tread.
6blighted ascetics who believe that the sewer is the ideal representation of the befoulment that is the fallen world of matter.
D6The depths of this sewer slop into
1the temple of a god of filth.
2a fortress of duergar, who use the waste in their biofuel reactors.
3the underworld of an extinct religion, very upset to have dropping droppings soil their idyllic afterlife.
4an otyugh mega-hive.
5a bottomless pit, a hole to a negatory void-world.
6a hell which has a local monopoly on the souls of usurers. They’ve put the fecal cornucopia to awful use in their torments.
D6A disease you might catch from this sewer’s uncleanliness is
1reverse pica, which compels you to get other creatures to eat you and your belongings.
2terminal detonationitis, which causes your corpse to explode 1d6 rounds after you die.
3miasmic dissolution, which lets you temporarily transform into a poisonous mist. Every time you do there is an increasing chance you lose your mind and won’t be able to change back though.
4loam disease, which softens your flesh and weakens your immune system’s response to plants. If special care is not taken you’ll soon become covered in blood-sucking weeds.
5cloud-gout, which makes your head and extremities swell with lighter-than-air gas. Floating up too high will cause the swollen parts to burst and distribute infectious droplets on the wind.
6rending parasitosis, which causes your fingers to extend into bony claws infested with parasites. Any wound dealt by the claws will be full of these parasites’ young.

Saturday, June 6, 2020

D20x5 Helpful Horses (& Some Not-Quite Horses)

Click the button below to generate your horse (or "horse"):

The tool I used to automate generating the table results can be found here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D20This horse is
1 a charger
2 a bay horse
3 a palomino
4 a hackney
5 a rouncey
6 a palfrey
7 a draft horse
8 a stock horse
9 a cob
10 a bargain broomtail
11 a runty garron
12 a jennet
13 a sport-horse past its prime
14 a draft-horse
15 a young gelding
16 a hulking destrier
17 actually an onager
18 actually a zebra
19 actually a mule
20 actually a donkey
D20 with
1 ribbons tied in its mane and tail.
2 heavy scarring on its face and shoulders.
3 swollen ankles.
4 drool perpetually flecking its cheeks.
5 striking green eyes.
6 albinism.
7 an elaborate brand on its flanks.
8 bronze horseshoes affixed to its hooves.
9 apotropaic sigils painted all over its body.
10 a piebald hide.
11 hairless splotches.
12 matted, tangled hair.
13 an ublemished reddish hide.
14 a deafening whinny.
15 a docked tail.
16 a distinctly foul odour.
17 intricately braided hair.
18 starkly protruding ribs.
19 a nose ring.
20 straight and shiny teeth.
D20 Its personality
1 is ornery and slow to warm up to others, though unfailingly loyal once it does.
2 is initially friendly to everyone, though it quickly grows fickle with its affections.
3 is unshakeably stoic.
4 is skittishly cautious.
5 is competitive and driven.
6 has a serious oral fixation.
7 is slothful and proud.
8 is playfully foalish.
9 is stubborn yet gentle.
10 is obnoxiously attention-seeking.
11 is curious and adventuresome.
12 is unbreakably ferocious.
13 is generally despondent but sometimes excitable by odd things.
14 is that of a bully.
15 is bland and indistinguishable.
16 is agreeable and compliant.
17 makes it obsessed with cleanliness and grooming.
18 is phlegmatic, contemplative.
19 is hyperactive, impossible to pin down.
20 is tricksy and puckish.
D20 This horse has
1 a certain fey cleverness.
2 indefatigable endurance.
3 astounding fleetness.
4 sure feet and an eye for subtle hazards.
5 a nose like a bloodhound.
6 sharp teeth and hooves and a willingness to use them.
7 a sensitivity to magic.
8 an intuitive aptitude for stealth.
9 the ability to leap impressive heights and distances.
10 great resilience toward injuries and disease.
11 the uncanny power to find its way home from just about anywhere.
12 a propensity to suffer misfortune.
13 an appetite much beyond what its size would suggest.
14 dull senses, or perhaps is merely inattentive.
15 a wasting sickness that’s slowly killing it.
16 good judgement of intent, for a horse.
17 a distinguished pedigree. Any of its children would be handsome and healthy.
18 incredible strength, even for a horse.
19 an aversion to blood and violence.
20 the gift of walking fairy-paths to and from the otherworld.
D20 You might find this horse
1 licking salt off a cliff-face.
2 nursing a fresh wound by a stream.
3 being smuggled by disguised thieves.
4 in dented barding, stumbling away from a crow-crowded battlefield.
5 being sold wholesale with its siblings, all similar in temperament.
6 being ridden by a gaggle of cackling goblins.
7 strapped to a plough, dragging a furrow to nowhere.
8 performing tricks for a travelling menagerie.
9 tied to a tree by the cold ashes of an extinguished campfire.
10 being hawked by a hard-dealing merchant.
11 fleeing a burning convoy.
12 among a feral herd.
13 following a path with a passed-out rider on its back.
14 enjoying a nap in a soft patch of heather.
15 standing and staring at you in a field.
16 rummaging through your rations.
17 being sold at a steal by a retiring knight.
18 being crowned with laurels by pixies.
19 fighting off a bandit trying to wrangle it.
20being chased by a pack of wolves.

Friday, June 5, 2020

D20x5 Grimoires of Forbidden Lore

Click the button below to generate your grimoire:

The tool I used to automate generating the tables can be found here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D20This grimoire
1 is bound with a cover made from human teeth and nails.
2 was inked with the discoloured blood of inhuman beasts.
3 is a mere fragment of a greater work, all that could be preserved from a purge.
4 is, or has become, a living creature. Its pages pulse with a faint heartbeat, and absorb unwary worms for sustenance.
5 has synaesthetic text, words that are smelled or felt more than read.
6 changes its exact wording each time it’s read.
7 always appears in the dreams of those who’ve read it before, where it remains perfectly legible.
8 will pluck at the strings of fate to place itself in the possession of ambitious sorts if it’s sealed away for too long.
9 is a glass puzzlebox which projects its text when a light is shone through it. Rearranging it reveals another segment of text.
10 has increasingly deranged marginalia scribbled in a dozen different hands in its open spaces.
11 makes you speak its words aloud as you read it, someone else’s voice coming from your throat.
12 appears to be written in gibberish until you add your signature to the many that fill its otherwise blank front page.
13 glows with a sickly light, so that it is legible even in total darkness.
14 seems fated to injure its readers. One can scarcely turn a page without getting a papercut.
15 has a section of actual human spine as its spine.
16 is fireproof, and can only be read in full by immolating it.
17 causes its reader’s eyes to bleed. Reading it too much inflicts blindness, as readers become unable to see anything but the grimoire.
18 is a stack of clay tablets. There’s more tablets in the stack than it seems there should be based on its size and weight, and any tablets removed or destroyed inexplicably return to the stack.
19 heals any damage done to it, leaving a mottled scar.
20 is written in a code that takes sustained effort to crack. Without this effort, it seems to be a mundane cookbook.
D20 This grimoire was written
1 by a doomed poet who dove deep into a mystery cult for inspiration.
2 by a scholar who claimed to have tapped into the Akashic Records, where all knowledge is stored.
3 by a popular medium while in a trance, shortly before their mysterious disappearance.
4 by a priest who became obsessed with dubious apocrypha.
5 by an unknown authour. It simply appeared in history one day.
6 by an entire village, one page to a person, before they walked together into the night, never to be seen again.
7 by a thousand deranged monkeys.
8 by the head doctor of an asylum, based on the rantings of their patients.
9 by the hands of an infamous thief, after they were cut off as punishment.
10 by a historian based on their collated research on several lost civilizations.
11 by a child who claimed to have been inspired by their imaginary friend.
12 some time in the future. What you might find of it now is an imperfect, backwards copy anticipating its own original.
13 shamefully, by a secret heresiarch.
14 apparently long before any other example of written language.
15 by a self-proclaimed prophet who claimed to have received its text in a god-granted vision.
16 by a hermit best known for throwing their feces at visitors.
17 by a jaded noble who brought ruin to their estate in pursuit of limit-experiences.
18 by a professor and their closest students, who barricaded their university and slaughtered the rest of the inhabitants.
19 as a bowdlerization of a yet more dreadful tome.
20 by the hands of the true creator of the world, allegedly.
D20 The lore which this grimoire contains
1 is rituals to summon demons, though not to control or banish them.
2 is how to mix potions which induce mutation.
3 is the secret names of angels, which allow them to be bound against their will.
4 is the location of a dormant undead army and the means to command it.
5 is how to open portals to inchoate realms beyond the conventional cosmos.
6 is knowledge of how to enslave human souls to animate fell golems.
7 is rituals to transform oneself into a kind of intelligent undead: a vampire, a ghoul, a lich, and stranger sorts besides.
8 is a tragically flawed ritual to resurrect the dead.
9 is spells to cook together living things into hybrid monsters.
10 is rites to commune with a banished and vengeful divinity.
11 is a rite to shuck one’s own dooms, curses, and misfortunes onto a more innocent scapegoat.
12 describes how to slip one’s soul away from just punishment in the hereafter, or damn another to far worse than they deserve.
13 is rituals to transfer your mind into another’s body, consuming their self in the process, or to splinter off pieces of your mind to fester and infect another’s.
14 is how to call up plagues, but not how to cure them.
15 is the method to create a sphere of annihilation.
16 can be used to immanentize the eschaton.
17 is knowledge of how to remove human organs and replace them with empowering alien substitutes.
18 is how to steal life-force from others to enhance and extend one’s own.
19 is charms to bend the minds of others.
20 is how to steal and pervert divine magic.
D20 This grimoire was forbidden
1 so that its temptation to prospective seekers would be increased.
2 not for the lore it contained, but rather for its satirical preface which offended a political leader.
3 because hidden in its text is a memetic weapon that drives readers mad.
4 because its cover forms a seal that unleashes a malign spirit while it is open.
5 because it’s a failed attempt at a phylactery, and so its writer(s)’s ghost(s) can haunt anyone who’s read it.
6 because it was used to facilitate an atrocity.
7 due to the blasphemous ideas its text promulgates.
8 because none of its lore is accurate, and is in fact a trick for an even darker purpose.
9 because reading it is a spiritual hazard that dooms one’s soul to a truly unfortunate afterlife.
10 because it’s proof of the limits of safe, sane magic.
11 because of the machinations of a sorcerer who thought it plagiarized their own work.
12 because it was once the key element in a plot to hasten the apocalypse.
13 because the lore it contains could destabilize the natural order of things.
14 because prophecy held that great evil would follow if it were not kept out of sight of perusing eyes.
15 because the gods have a habit of smiting indiscriminately around it.
16 by a tyrant who didn’t want anyone else to be able to tap its power.
17 due to popular demand.
18 because as it’s read it refines and expands on itself by reading in turn the minds of its readers.
19 because the publishing house that owns the rights to it gets violently litigious if there’s any chance it might be copied.
20 as an excuse to seize it for an authority’s use.
D20 This grimoire might be found
1 locked up in the archives of a scholastic monastery.
2 in the hoard of a dragon who gathers knowledge rather than gold.
3 in a parasitic, paradimensional library that siphons the collection and readers of other libraries.
4 in the study of a libertine aristocrat.
5 as the centrepiece of a mystery cult.
6 in a sealed chest in a mermaid’s sea-cave, looted from a shipwreck.
7 chained to the wrist of a cenobite-censor.
8 within the wooden shell of a filing-golem.
9 in the possession of a cult transcribing it onto woodblocks for printing and widespread distribution.
10 through a map encoded in an occultist’s notes.
11 clutched in a dead wizard’s desiccated claws.
12 in the lab of a researcher trying to extract insights palatable to conventional magical practice.
13 in a revolutionary’s hideout, as a weapon of last resort.
14 as the heirloom of a clan of backwoods hedge-witches.
15 in a tower on a barren island, its garrison all dead of simultaneous suicide.
16 sorted among mundane codexes by a senile bureaucrat.
17 locked in a safe in an inquisitor’s office.
18 in the possession of an orphan being groomed by a loose familiar to become an obedient archmage.
19 in a decrepit sanctum, guarded by a vampire awaiting the return of their master’s reincarnation to claim it.
20in the ash-piles of a failed book burning.

Thursday, June 4, 2020

D20x5 Worrying Warriors

Click the button below for your warrior:

The tool I used to convert the tables into an automatic generator can be found here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D20This warrior fights with
1 a brandistock, cunningly designed so that if it is twisted just right it will shoot out its blade like an arrow.
2 an arquebus with an axe-head affixed to its stock for desperate close combat.
3 a broadsword and buckler. Both have seen more combat than the warrior has, and wear it in their scars.
4 a steel-shod club.
5 a poleaxe with a head shaped like a grinning skull.
6 a pike with a gilded tip.
7 a serrated scimitar.
8 a morning star with its head shaped to resemble a hedgehog.
9 A sabre and its scabbard, which is sturdy enough to be used as a bludgeon and parrying tool.
10 a partizan adorned with bloodstained feathers.
11 a brace of pistols and a pair of daggers.
12 a wavy flammenschwert.
13 a tower shield painted with a roaring lion, and a long flail that can strike around it.
14 a composite bow. They’ve notched vulgar insults into the shafts of all their arrows.
15 a spear and kite shield. The spear bears a notch for everyone it’s killed, the shield for every time it’s saved the warrior’s life.
16 a halberd with a bird’s nest impaled on its point.
17 a glaive elaborated decorated to resemble a wickedly thorned rose.
18 a rapier and a long knife.
19 a sling with lead shot, and a seax for when the enemy gets close.
20 a warhammer. Its head is shaped like an anvil.
D20 This warrior fights in
1 clanking old half-plate.
2 a corroded coat of chains.
3 iron scale-mail molded to look like a pangolin’s armour.
4 treated textiles tough enough to offer some protection, dyed in abstract patterns.
5 mismatched pieces of armour taken off a dozen different bodies on a dozen different battlefields.
6 rattling, ill-fitted lorica segmentata.
7 roughly-stitched, muddy hides from animals large and small, furry and scaly.
8 a breastplate polished to a bright sheen, and poofy brocaded silk sleeves.
9 plates of shell and chitin pried from the flanks of man-eating war-beasts.
10 a shredded mail hauberk with arrowheads inextricably stuck in its rings.
11 a burgonet, jackboots, and boiled leather.
12 splinted steel vambraces and greaves, a rusty coat of plates.
13 an enamelled crimson cuirass.
14 barding meant for a horse, hammered out to fit them.
15 lacquered lamellar.
16 a cloak reinforced with light metal plates, with chains wrapped around their forearms to help parry.
17 leather trousers, hobnailed boots, and woad war-paint.
18 an Almain rivet with a couple missing and dented plates.
19 mirror armour, its central chest disc molded to resemble an open palm.
20 a brigandine coat, its cloth soiled and torn.
D20 This warrior fights for
1 a queen long dead, a country that no longer exists.
2 the ecstatic trance they enter in the heat of battle, unmatched by any other pleasure they’ve experienced.
3 revenge against the whole of the world.
4 just enough pay to get them high.
5 the fulfilment of their unconscious deathwish, so that they may join their fallen comrades.
6 the perfection of their technique, so that they may teach the next generation of warriors.
7 the only god who ever answered their prayers, a bloody and rapacious thing.
8 no other reason than it comes easily to them.
9 the chance to stare into someone’s eyes as they die.
10 an escape from the bonds of civilized society.
11 an outlet for their sublimated frustrations.
12 a plot of land they dream of retiring to.
13 the chance to find an old enemy on the battlefield and finish their feud.
14 the sake of accumulating sin to join their damned love in the hereafter.
15 a fiery and uncompromising faith.
16 the approval of a father no longer able to grant it.
17 accolades and trophies.
18 the funds to found a warrior’s paradise.
19 the satiation of a curse which demands they spill ten drops of guilty blood for every drop of innocent blood they’ve taken, or else suffer unimaginably as their veins smoulder from within.
20 the naked truth they believe to be revealed in life-or-death situations.
D20 This warrior stands out on the battlefield
1 for their obstinate ferocity. They have never retreated from a battle without being dragged by their companions.
2 for their blood-curdling war-shouts.
3 for their calm and clear sight even in the thickest fog of war.
4 for the elegant execution of their enemies.
5 for the technical precision of their fighting.
6 for their graceful, dance-like movements.
7 for their unpredictable speed.
8 for their brutal strength.
9 for their numb resistance to pain and wounds.
10 for their disrespect to fallen opponents.
11 because they seek out the strongest-seeming foes to fight.
12 because of their towering height and abnormal reach.
13 for the nigh-impassable wall that is their guard.
14 for their opportunistic hit-and-run tactics.
15 for their impeccable observation of proper battlefield decorum, and fair treatment of prisoners.
16 for the way their charismatic presence lends their fellows courage.
17 because of the sweet scent of the perfume they douse themself with before every battle.
18 for the way they can predict their opponents and plan ten moves in advance.
19 for the sheer dumb luck they must have to survive their own clumsiness.
20 for their dirty tricks and unflappable wit.
D20 When this warrior cries out in their sleep they are reliving
1 the moment they squandered an entire campaign’s worth of pay on an ill-advised gamble.
2 the beatings they suffered at the hands of their mentor.
3 when they had to hide among the reeking dead and were trampled beneath them all the same.
4 a duel they lost by their overconfidence, and survived only due to cowardice.
5 a campaign they marched for so long they forgot the smell of home.
6 a rout so total that more were killed by the weight of their fleeing comrades than were on the blades of the enemy.
7 a combat fought in tunnels so close you couldn’t swing a sword.
8 a battle fought within fading firelight, those at the sputtering edge picked off by blind enemies.
9 an ambush when they were caught wading waist-deep through mud.
10 a terrible trip they suffered because of the hallucinogenic venom smeared along an enemy’s weapon.
11 the moment they realized they were going to live and die by the sword.
12 a fight against a monster no mortal weapons could scratch.
13 the moment they received a wound whose scar still aches even all these years later.
14 the turning point of a battle when those they thought were steadfast allies betrayed them.
15 a time they thought they’d found peace fell into chaos once more.
16 the loss of their dear love while they were away on campaign.
17 the long sickness that wasted away their hard-earned strength.
18 the civil schism that turned them against their brother.
19 when a priest cursed the warrior with their last breath.
20the moment they sold out their comrades who planned to desert their army.