Sunday, April 21, 2024

D6x6 Simpering Serpentmen

This post is dedicated to friend of the blog purplecthulhu, who came up with the idea.

Click the button below to generate your serpentman:

Special thanks to Spwack for making the generator generator here:

D6 This serpentman has
1 a rattling tail which vibrates in infrasonic frequencies, inducing artificial terror in those who hear it.
2 a fractally-branching tongue which allows it to manipulate matter on an incredibly-fine scale.
3 had its ribs surgically spread into wings and studded with anti-gravity nodules which allow it to fly through the air.
4 replaced its venom-sacs with nanomachine-factories which kill those injected with them and reanimate their corpses as cyber-zombies.
5 impossibly-deep abyssal crevices through which alien stars can be glimpsed instead of pupils in its eyes.
6 the haunting husks of the shed skins of its past selves orbiting around its head, dispensing bon mots.
D6 This serpentman was
1 a slave-handler, and its hypnotic indoctrinations still work across all mammals from remnant programming.
2 an everyman-type who lucked its way into the modern day.
3 a biomancer whose magic crafted new living tools and soldiers for the serpentmen's empire.
4 a priest of the serpentmen's coiling crypto-gods, and a bureaucrat within their religio-political deep state.
5 a warlord who learned the perfected stratagems & martial techniques of their time.
6 a ritual assassin that the serpentmen used to constrain their violence to regulated arenas and casualties.
D6 This serpentman survived the general extinction of its kind
1 by wandering for uncountable eons in the timeless astral plane, going mad and clawing its way back to sanity several times over.
2 by flinging its spirit forward in time and possessing a snake mating-ball of sufficient biomass to reincarnate the serpentman - driving one snake in the ball to devour the rest and metamorphose into its new body.
3 by being ensconced in a cryogenic vault. The serpentman re-routed much of the facility's power to its own hiberna-pod to maximize its chance of survival, at the expense of its fellows.
4 by bargaining with an aristocratic house of medusas, to be petrified in its time and returned to flesh when the world had forgotten its kind.
5 by encoding itself in the genome of an upsurging lineage of mammals, leaving epigenetic triggers in place so that when conditions were right a descendant-individual would mutate into the serpentman, complete with inborn memories.
6 by pretending to be stuck in hell for a while, in fact leaving itself a back door and an empty vessel of a body to reclaim.
D6 This serpentman schemes
1 to steal an artifact which can, with enough blood sacrifice, tear a time-portal through back to the time of the serpentmen's reign, through which they will lead a trans-temporal invasion.
2 to insinuate itself into a clan of outlaw-cannibals as a fleshly deity, and through them sate its hunger for warm meat.
3 awaken a lost doomsday weapon of its people, then use this weapon to cow the world into submission so it may rule as an absolute tyrant.
4 to murder a team of archeologists who are close to uncovering the history of the serpentmen, then frame some other group for their murder.
5 to uncover a cache of skin-changing infiltrators, which it will command to take over the followings of various sun-gods and through them re-terraform the world into a more serpentman-friendly climate.
6 to spread printings of tablets looted from serpentmen ruins, which contain highly-contagious memes which will alter cultures to be more amenable to the serpentman.
D6 This serpentman views the modern world
1 with fetishistic interest in all its idiosyncrasies.
2 with an aimless rage that could be re-directed to specific targets without much manipulative effort.
3 with a deep despair which could be exploited to drive it to total inaction.
4 with bewilderment - it desires interpreters to make sense of things.
5 as a garden that's been left untrimmed and has become overgrown - in need of their drastic tending.
6 as something like a dream, experienced whimsically, which they will wake up from shortly.
D6 You might loot off the body of this serpentman
1 a very stylish hat made of psionics-enhancing fibers.
2 a hologram-belt that can project illusions of things it's scanned.
3 a whistle which when blown rouses any sub-sapient reptiles that hear it into a slaughterous rage.
4 a spray-gun full of acid.
5 a pair of ulfire-tinted goggles which allow their wearer to perceive the invisible and ethereal.
6 a bottle of pills which maintain their consumer at a biologically-ideal temperature for 24 hours.

Friday, April 19, 2024

D20x5 Vampire Hunters

Click the button below to generate your vampire hunter:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here:

D20 This vampire hunter came to the hunt
1 after their spouse was turned by a jealous bloodsucker.
2 being initiated into their family's tradition.
3 after they lost a child to a hungry bloodsucker.
4 after being attacked while stargazing in a park.
5 while working at a blood bank that was used as a pantry by bloodsuckers.
6 as an urban explorer, after stumbling on a hibernating bloodsucker.
7 while they worked as a farmhand, and witnessed livestock being drained dry.
8 thanks to a mystic vision after a nervous breakdown.
9 as the dissatisfied former servant of a vampire who turned on their master.
10 after investigating a prospective client's suspicious finances led them to the discovery of immortal undead.
11 because they were a serial killer who didn't like the competition.
12 as a conspiracy debunking podcaster who stumbled onto a vampiric conspiracy they couldn't debunk.
13 as a vampire blood addict, unsatisfied with the pittance they were given by their dealer.
14 wanting to be turned into a vampire, attempting to coerce one into turning them.
15 after being raised in a blood cult that worshiped a vampire as an angelic being.
16 as a historian who came across primary source records which couldn't be explained in any other way than by the existence of immortal bloodsuckers.
17 by way of an abusive mentor who hoped to use them as bait.
18 while working as an EMT, after seeing a turned victim burned to death by the sun.
19 while working on a tanker ship which was unbeknownst to them transporting a vampire, which preyed on the crew.
20 while they were homeless, defending their community against predators of various stripes.
D20 This vampire hunter lives 
1 in a houseboat anchored in the middle of a river.
2 in a cabin in the arctic circle for the sunny half of that region's year.
3 a totally cloistered life, ordering everything online, doing all their investigation online, only leaving their home to hunt.
4 in an old church that was partially-converted into a nightclub that was never opened.
5 on the road, in a tricked-out RV.
6 inside a steel panic room in a dilapidated house they've largely withdrawn from.
7 in a shed in a suburb they picked for having one of the highest rates of gun ownership in the country.
8 bouncing between squats and communes, trying to convince crustpunks to bash vampires under the pretense that they are fascists.
9 in a trailer by a marijuana grow-op they use to raise funds for their hunting.
10 in prison most of the time, for their many and varied crimes.
11 on the couches of fellow hunters, as a sort of mercenary paid in places to stay.
12 by camping on public land.y
13 a double life, with a normal job by day, hunting by night, and abusing stimulants to sustain their ability to do so.
14 on donations from people they've saved.
15 in the alley behind a YMCA.
16 off pawning the property of their prey and gambling.
17 in a ruined castle which belonged to one of their quarry.
18 in the sewers, a local legend.
19 out of a garage in a slumlord's house, who is willing to overlook a lot so long as the rent comes in on time.
20 in a shack in the middle of a heavily booby-trapped field.
D20 This vampire hunter's missing 
1 their empathy for anything that looks human - they love animals though.
2 their canine teeth - pulled out with their own pliers.
3 a chunk out of their neck - the scar's got ragged edges.
4 a credit score - they're trying to stay off the grid as much as possible.
5 an eyeball - that socket's been caved in.
6 some veins, tendons, and flesh from a wrist - that hand's stiffer than they'd like.
7 any extended family - they've been picked off by vampires over the years.
8 a good chunk of their memories - the result of a blow to the head.
9 their fingernails - chewed away from stress.
10 their hair - shaven off to remove a potential grip.
11 one leg below the knee - torn away.
12 their ability to make small talk - they get very serious, very fast.
13 their hygiene - their thoughts are occupied by other things.
14 a normal sleep cycle - they're able to sleep and wake up pretty much wherever and whenever.
15 any hope for the future - they're depressingly nihilistic.
16 a strong immune system - they're prone to sicknesses.
17 any fear for their own death or injury.
18 a lot of blood-iron - they're chronically anemic.
19 solid risk assessment - they're prone to lashing out at anyone who gets close to them.
20 a few of the fingers off their hand - bitten off.
D20 This vampire hunter's preferred weapon 
1 is a silver-edged scimitar.
2 is hawthorn stakes with reinforced cores of carbon steel.
3 is a string of garlic bulbs wielded like a whip.
4 is an axe with a reservoir of holy oil within its handle that can set its head ablaze.
5 is bombs, set off remotely.
6 is a high-powered UV spotlight.
7 is a squirt-gun filled with holy water.
8 is homemade grenades loaded with crumbled communion wafers.
9 is syringes of their own poisoned blood.
10 is a revolver they got blessed by a monk, priest, imam, and rabbi.
11 is a boar spear.
12 is a harpoon gun.
13 is a shotgun loaded up with bits & bobs.
14 is a sledgehammer with nails welded to it.
15 is an oil can wielded with a flare gun.
16 is a dwindling supply of claymores (the explosive kind) they got off an ex-military buddy.
17 is a macuahuitl edged with pliered-out vampire teeth instead of obsidian.
18 is a pair of uzis.
19 is spools of razor wire.
20 is a Shaolin spade.
D20 This vampire hunter believes vampires 
1 are unfortunate victims of a mutagenic virus.
2 are descendants of the Biblical Cain.
3 are hemophagic alien invaders.
4 are biological robots performing blood tests and experiments on people.
5 are possessed by demons.
6 are in control of several branches of the government.
7 put additives in processed food to keep people stupid.
8 are a curse created by the Aztec empire in its waning days to keep the blood sacrifices flowing.
9 are a natural and ancient sub-species of homo sapiens that evolved to prey on other humans.
10 are the feeding appendages of higher-dimensional ultraterrestrials.
11 are infected with a bloodborne bacterial hivemind.
12 are Mother Earth's answer to human overpopulation.
13 are corpses animated by unrestful ghosts.
14 used to be much more varied, but that Western vampires ate all the other kinds in a dark mirror of colonialism.
15 are only weeks away from using FEMA to herd people into blood-harvesting camps.
16 are kind of hot, but would never admit this.
17 tell stories about how cool and dangerous they are as a hunter.
18 come from a parallel Earth, and are invading this one since they drank up their own.
19 are critters from the inner surface of the hollow Earth that wear human skins as disguises.
20 are the adrenochrome-harvesting servitors of shadowy billionaires.

Monday, April 15, 2024

Notes on Notes on Watching Twin Peaks in a Dream, Recorded First Within Said Dream and Then Reproduced Within the Waking World of Slightly-Less Transient Appearances

I have been watching David Lynch's hit TV series Twin Peaks lately - it's pretty good. I have apparently been watching so much of it that last night I dreamed that I was watching Twin Peaks, while writing down my impressions & analysis of the show. There were some similarities between this dreamed Twin Peaks and the Twin Peaks of the waking world. I have reproduced those notes here to the best of my recollection. There will be some spoilers, both of the waking and the dreamed:

Mixture of Buddhist and Transcendentalist mythology (this was the first note made, and the one most clearly remembered - what is Transcendentalist mythology? I couldn't rightly say, but it made sense at the time)

Evil is just one part of the Black Lodge - it also encompasses fear, suffering, guilt, etc. Though a smaller share than the Black Lodge, the White Lodge holds some evil of its own, stemming from love & joy.

Room with red drapes is bardo, souls pass through White Lodge or Black Lodge, which are inextricably linked (see floor), based on their karma - as previously noted, it is not only evil souls but those overcome by shame, vengeance, etc., which pass through the Black Lodge.

Chevron floor - arrows of progress - the Lodges are not without time, the Arm evolved, but time there is a function of the resolution of contradictions between White and Black, like chess frozen between moves - the Wheel of Samsara as a reciprocal or circular saw, cyclical yet linear in progressing through the formlessness of wood/Nirvana.

Theme of the past only being escapable through the destruction of the present - town of Twin Peaks destroyed in Armaggedon-esque battle with the furious spirit of its own abandoned mine. Spirit taking form of eight-legged dragon suggests both devil and Sleipnir, mount of Odin - hung in world-tree.

Odd that my parents made a cameo appearance in the show as themselves, yet never mentioned this.

Dale eats handfuls of finely-ground raw meat paste from fridge - one of his eccentricities or delicacy of Twin Peaks? - perhaps "creamed meat" to juxtapose creamed corn of garmonbozia.

The Fireman's real name is The Dispatcher - promoted?

The dreamer living inside the dream is Lynch, as Gordon.

Audrey trapped in Black Lodge seems like retread of Cooper storyline.

Giant airport in the mountains outside town dwarfs town itself - commentary on liminal spaces? - subplot of dueling Japanese assassins in airport seemed totally disconnected from happenings in Twin Peaks (the town).

Spike Lady - unclear if she was always Spike Lady and became a ghost or became Spike Lady when she became ghost - with Albert uncommonly positive depiction of spousal kidnapping, bigamy, and necrophilia (is it necrophilia with ghosts?).

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

D6 Bug-Bears

Not bugbears, but bug-bears - half-bears, half-bugs:

1. Cicadiak: Hibernate as cub-grubs beneath the earth for decades, possessing nearby lifeforms with their dreams. Squirrels and suchlike will hide their hoards nearby, wolverines will bury their kills above the cicadiaks, and humans find themselves anticipating a great and feastwise festival to be hosted at the site, most not quite realizing this festival has never before been celebrated, and seems to have come from nowhere. At the proper hour the cicadiaks will moult into their adult forms, emerge in a great swarm to gorge on the food proffered for them, and deafen many with their roared mating-songs. Once they've laid their eggs underground the adults will perish, though their flesh is too full of parasites to be safely consumed by any survivors of their depredations.

2. Assassin Bearg: Parthenogenic killer queens, birth shapeless offspring which they lick into customized murder-shapes. They become obsessed with those who harm their cubs, even in self-defense, setting ever-better-adapted creations after their scent-trail.

3. Sun Bearab: Roll about large balls of soil, mulch, and waste, which they cultivate as mobile terrariums for their preferred snacks. Bear disconcertingly-long, prehensile tongues, which they use to snag prey and drag them to their terribly-strong jaws. Sun bearabs are the favoured animal of the Burning Hate, and one is often found in his temples, its ball adorned with sneering sun-discs.

4. Blister Beartle: Dominate beehives with their uncanny pheromones, causing the bees and their hive both to grow to unseemly size. The blister beartle, a hideous and hideously lazy creature, is then supplied with as much honey and larvae as it can eat - which is quite a lot. Should the creature be slain, its host-hive's population will usually return to ordinary bee-size within a generation. Usually.

5. Polar Bantis: Largest of the bug-bears. Snow-white in winter and able to remain perfectly motionless for long periods of time, lending it frighteningly-effective camouflage. Flashes out with speed-blinding sickle-claws when prey approaches. During the summer it mottles into a dull grey and hibernates with similar stillness, becoming nigh-indistinguishable from a boulder. Can produce hybrids with cicadiaks in the regions where their territories overlap - these hybrid bug-bears' dreams induce widespread visions of an oncoming eternal winter, leading to despair, war, and so on which leave a surplus of carrion for the creatures to feed on.

6. Gallanda: Obligate cannibals - they can only properly digest their own cub-grubs, as well as the galls which grow around these cub-grubs, which themselves can only survive in bamboo. Often used as a visual metaphor for self-defeat, and for parents who squander their wealth so it can't be passed on to their children. The bamboo-galls produced by gallandas are beautiful and easily-carved, and thus coveted commodities - however the bug-bears guard their larders/groves/crèches with berserker ferocity.

They don't look like this.

Thursday, March 28, 2024

D6x6 Tactual Takos

Takos are D&D's octopus-people, except they've only got one eye for whatever reason, and they're not humanoid, they're just octopoid.

Click the button below to generate your takos:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here: 

D6These takos have
1vibrant blue rings scattered across their body.
2fleshy "wings" on the sides of their head, like elephant ears.
3a "skirt" of translucent webbing between their tentacles.
4red flesh covered in menacing spikes.
5a cyanotic, pale purple, veiny colouration.
6knobbly, sandy-coloured skin.
D6These takos fight with
1envenomated blowguns they fire with water-jets on the sides of their heads.
2metal beak-attachments bartered for with deep-sea smiths who forge in the heat of black smokers, grappling with tentacular martial arts to get in range.
3gauntlets they stick on the ends of their tentacles, some equipped with blades, others with piercing spikes, and still others heavy enough to bludgeon through shell and armour.
4slow flails of woven kelp or some other marine fiber, set with sharp teeth and stone shards and suchlike, swung into a simultaneously defending and attacking wreath around their wielder.
5long spears they wrap up in and shove with all their tentacles at once.
6paired glass or shell knives of surpassing sharpness, which they wield in scraping or scissoring maneuvers.
D6These takos can
1detach a tentacle as a pre-programmed servitor.
2regrow their heads if enough of the rest of their body survives - their minds distributed among their ganglion-nodes.
3see into spectra beyond the human eye's capability to perceive, picking up ultraviolet, infrared, and auras of magic.
4produce from their skin spirals with a hypnotic bioluminescent glow.
5build up tension in their tentacles, and after building enough release a super-heavy, cavitating strike.
6speak with each other over great distances, in a seeming hive-mind, by strumming the ground.
D6These takos are rumoured to
1be planning to flood the surface world.
2serve gods drowned in primordial times for their inhuman evil.
3create false harbours and lights to mislead sailors.
4shapeshift into humans and seduce people into awfully slimy relations.
5kidnap children who wander too close to the sea, to turn into more of their kind.
6trap the souls of the dead in coconut shells to keep them as ghostly servants.
D6These takos are sought by humans
1because their beaks are thought to make the best scrapers for shaving and bathhouses.
2because their lush blue ink is treasured for dye and calligraphy.
3because their skins can be worked into armour that provides the ultimate camouflage.
4to receive oracles related to fortunes at sea.
5because poking their eyeball is supposed to grant good luck.
6as mercenaries in naval warfare.
D6These takos live
1in settlements suspended from the underside of woven kelp-rafts, drifting on ocean gyres and grown over with permacultural microbiomes.
2in silvery mounds of foam blown from the mouthparts of domesticated giant crabs.
3in submarine canyons they roof over and carve habitations into the walls of.
4in warrens dug beneath the biggest and most ancient reefs, selectively bleaching the coral in communicative patterns.
5in a submerged system of caverns and grottoes they've carved over generations with sinuous, interlocked art.
6in scuttle-towns built in the sunken hulks of the ships of their enemies.

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

D6x6 Heinous Hobgoblins

Click the button below to generate your hobgoblins:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here:

D6 These hobgoblins have
1 lanky frames with minimal body fat, as though they've been stretched out dramatically on a rack. They have trouble floating in water, but are stronger than they look.
2 reddish skin and dark flesh, due to the high amount of oxygen their blood and tissues hold.
3 abnormally bulging traps, lats, and guts from the natural steroids they produce.
4 a digitigrade posture, with their feet clenched and hardened into proto-hooves.
5 an aversion to scars and blemishes, seeing them as indicating failure of one's skill or armour, and so cake on makeup to cover them up - and this has become a desirable aesthetic of its own.
6 keratinous growths on their ears that extend them into long, horn-like protrusions - it is polite to brush one's ear-horn aside to allow social superiors to pass by, a sort of salute.
D6 The hobgoblins fight
1 atop mounts with bows or spears - in formal duels against each other, the loser forfeits the middle and index finger they use to nock arrows.
2 in dense, heavily-armoured infantry formations supported by light cavalry.
3 according to a strict code of honour - though if the other side violates this code, even unknowingly, then the hobgoblins will escalate to ruthless total war.
4 generally with the aim of capturing slaves without maiming them too badly, which can limit their effectiveness in pitched battle, and has given rise to specialized tactics and weaponry.
5 from vehicles somewhere between chariots and war wagons.
6 with absolute and brittle chains of command, tending to fall apart when officers are taken out.
D6 These hobgoblins worship
1 their great enemies, for pushing them to rise and evolve - they seek to devour these enemies to spare them the indignity of the crows and worms, and to make pilgrimage-shrines from their bones.
2 a pantheon of deified emperors. Devotees heat coins stamped with these emperors' faces and use these as brands on their skin.
3 the spirits of arms and armour - honing their souls in life to be reborn in the purity of steel.
4 a militant messiah prophesied to lead them to dominance over the whole world.
5 Necessity itself, as the master-force which enslaves all things.
6 in a syncretic smattering of hero-cults, mystical warrior-societies, and chaoskampf philosophies.
D6 These hobgoblins domesticate
1 zorbos, taking advantage of these creatures' tremendous shock-absorption to launch them out of catapults at foes.
2 geladas, training them for dumb labour and gambling on their fights.
3 gorbels, finding their rubbery flesh delicious and their floating bodies to be a bright amusement, particularly when adorned with chimes and streamers.
4 a breed of aurochs they use as mounts, wearing the beasts' horns on their helms to display their strength and potency, and making outrageously-smelly cheese from their milk.
5 rocs, using them as troop transports for elite squads, and in parades for victorious generals.
6 ankhegs, using them to dig out battlefield fortifications, eating their eggs, and making perfume from their wax. Ankheg-driver is one of the most dangerous professions in their society, giving rise to many idioms.
D6 A standard ration these hobgoblins carry
1 is is smoked larvae, often eaten mashed and fried.
2 is tooth-polishingly gritty ash-cakes.
3 is rice-cakes similar to mochi, mixed with whole dried and powdered fish.
4 is sour strips of fruit-leather.
5 is eggs that have been boiled in sauce then cured.
6 is links of black pudding.
D6 These hobgoblins live
1 in what are essentially those Al-Qaeda mountain fortresses except real.
2 in a grassy steppe they've riven with trenches, and public works like aqueducts and sewers they've built up from those trenches, feuding with the centaurs, nomads, and so on they share the steppe with.
3 in a limestone-ridden landscape of karst and cenotes. The region is a labyrinth of razor-sharp stone, sudden pitfalls, and underground canals for quick repositioning.
4 in a desert basin, surviving off taxes, tariffs, and tribute.
5 as a caste of warrior-aristocrats ruling over a cluster of non-hob satrapies.
6 on an artificial archipelago of scuttled warships, dikes, and buried reefs.

Saturday, March 23, 2024

D20 Methods of Immortality A Wizard Might Use In Lieu of the Typical Lichdom

1. Removing their own brain and sticking it in a jar full of preservatives. A replacement made of glass, vital fluids, and clockwork ticks behind their eyes now, letting them control their body from afar. They can rebuild the whole thing if it’s destroyed, though it would be costly in time and magical resources.

2. Marrying a fairy prince. So long as the wizard wears their wedding band on their finger, they won’t die until their spouse does. They locked up their spouse in a cage outside the normal flow of time to keep them secure after consummating the marriage.

3. Converting their thoughts into noospheric shockwaves. Sensitive individuals dream of the wizard, living their life while asleep and gradually overwriting their selves with the wizard's own. Wizard-duplicates can’t abide each other’s presence due to an extreme case of narcissism of small differences.

4. Grafting magical hybrid plants to a dryad’s tree then absorbing the dryad to take on the lifespan of their now-eternal tree.

5. Regularly bathing in volatile alchemical concoctions. The baths rejuvenate them, but each time minor mutations accumulate, and each subsequent bath requires rarer and rarer ingredients.

6. Gradually replacing parts of their body with far more durable artificial replacements.

7. Stitching a magic cloak from the still-living skins of newborn lambs. So long as they remain totally covered by the cloak, they’re hidden from death’s sight and can’t be taken by it.

8. Arranging carefully balanced bargains for their soul with many powerful demons. Until the demons resolve who has the strongest claim on the wizard's soul, they won’t let the wizard die and start a free-for-all.

9. Preserving the most important parts of their self within an enchanted amulet while offering the rest to an alien spirit. The spirit animates and provides the basic drives of their body, while the wizard retains executive control so long as the body wears the amulet.

10. Blaspheming the rites of a mother-goddess. Now they can give birth to themself and live on through the generations. Conducting one’s own rebirth is a taxing physical and magical exercise though, and the reborn wizard must consume the birthing wizard immediately after or else wither away.

11. Temporally tying themself to an hourglass. While the hourglass is running one way they age normally in time with it. When the hourglass is flipped they age backwards in the same manner. Should the hourglass run out in either direction they’ll die. Should the hourglass be shattered the wizard will explode into a local time-rift.

12. Writing an autobiography that described their self so totally that the text became more real than their physical self. Destroying their body is only an impediment until the book can recreate them. Destroying the book renders them mortal until they can rewrite it. The only ways to put them down for good are to destroy both simultaneously, or to cause the wizard to diverge from their description in the book significantly enough to cause a break in the narrative reality.

13. Establishing a cult that worships them as an aspect of a god, and using that adoration as a conduit to sip at divinity. So long as the worship continues, so too will the wizard.

14. Killing the very possibility of their death. They possess no special durability though, and have only continued to age and shrivel with time. They will not die even as the passing of epochs (or adventurers) grinds them to dust.

15. Snarling the timestream and drawing a clutch of their younger selves as apprentices. When they grow old they transfer their mind into their most promising apprentice-self and kill the rest. Through temporal shenanigans the apprentice-selves are starting to cotton on to their master-self’s fatal designs.

16. Halting apoptosis and entering a perpetual adolescence. They are an excrescent giant, swarmed by oncologist-mites that burrow through their organs and devour the tumours that swell within.

17. Hiding their heart within a swarm of flies within a pair of hummingbirds within a gazelle locked up in their ribcage. When their body dies the gazelle will leap from their mouth. When the gazelle dies the hummingbirds will fly from its ears. When the hummingbirds die the flies will flee from behind their eyes. If any of the animals escape, they’ll be able to regrow the entire wizard, slowly but surely.

18. Locking themself in a modified torture device they stole from hell itself. It keeps them alive even as it torments them. They require a constant supply of supernaturally potent drugs to stave off the agony, and have attached an animate exoskeleton to the device so they can still move around. Should their supply run low the pain would surely render them nonfunctional.

19. Shedding their meat and becoming a being of light and lightning. They require special interfaces (or just their own prodigious magic) to interact with the solid world, and can only be harmed by esoteric means.

20. Sealing themself inside a perfectly sterile, self-sustaining arcology. So long as the arcology remains untainted they’ll be able to remain immaculate forever. Their simplified composition would be quickly devoured by external bacteria however. They interact with the outside world through projections and possessed proxies.