Friday, June 14, 2024

D100+ Forgotten Founding Fathers

All credit for inspiration goes to friend of the blog Mike over at Sheep & Sorcery.

Click the button below for your very own forgotten founding father:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here:

Special thanks also to Phlox & deus ex parabola for help brainstorming this post.

Thursday, June 13, 2024

4D6 Wild Hunters of the Wild Hunt

By request of friend of the blog theisticgilthoniel over at Pilgrim's Procession.

4. Ottir O'Frankshanks: Invisible, blind, head of a cat with veeery long whiskers. Wields a pair of long and bendy rapiers. Dances in tight twirls instead of walking, hoping to brush prey with his whiskers - deadly accurate with some tactility. This makes him quite dizzy, and every so often he vomits a fuzzy caterpillar the size of a football, which desires nothing more than to return down his throat. They seek him out unerringly.

5. Flannery Pitterpattery: Wears hers own hair, woven into a tunic. She runs and climbs on all fours, and wields a bow with her pendulous and prehensile breasts. If you tell her a riddle she can't harm you until she answers it but then she can shoot whatever the answer to the riddle is at you with her bow. If she hasn't answered any riddles she shoots sharpened femurs at you.

6. Butter-Me-Up Bricklebrack: A man-shaped castle made out of Swiss cheese, with a garrison of mice who wheel their little mice cannons up to his holes to shoot at you. A chivalrous gentleman, the strong and quiet type. The mice within him are vulgar and cruel and more than a little racist.

7. Executor Excuse Me: A long-faced man in a long black coat and a long black hat. If you see him then every time you turn around he will be there and this will happen for the rest of the hunt. He's got one finger that's swollen like a club and if he catches you he will break your jaw and take your teeth, which he makes into boats and races down streams.

8. Ygobogobodin: He's got four arms and no eyes and a great big nose and a bristly grey mustache like the business end of a broom. He's always whittling little wolves and when he snorts in their noses they come to life and chase you and if they bite you you'll start turning into a tree.

9. Catwell Minx: Wears a skirt of squirrels' tails and a tiara made of hummingbirds' beaks. Has the torso of a very tall person and the limbs of a very short one. Pretends to be a baby lost in the woods, though she doesn't use any illusions or anything. It's not a convincing impersonation. Fights with a two-headed axe she keeps in her eye, plucking it out from behind her pupil, and if she chops your head off she'll leave it in a child's crib wrapped up in a big green bow.

10. Lady Drochroth: Rides a backwards chariot - the horses, maddened and foam-flecked and stolen, push rather than pull it. Her head is a boot and her feet are screaming heads. If she runs you over you'll be hurt but won't die and she'll do it again and again and again until you are very flat and then she will laugh and laugh and laugh and feed you to her feet.

11. Billbull Bugruff: Has smoke for eyes and a fire at the back of his throat. Chews up logs like they're pepperoni sticks. Will say that if you can find his spear after he throws it and before his wives sew him a new cape he'll let you free but although it looks like an ordinary spear it is actually lightning and it will strike a tree on a far away hill and his wives are all goats but they're very good and very fast weavers and they'll finish the new cape in minutes and once they do they'll wrap you up in it (it's made of spider's silk and very sticky) and throw you in a pond to drown.

12. Marquessa Marquea Marqioni: Has stilts covered in spikes and carries an inkbrush like a barge pole. If she paints a line on the ground you can't cross it. Wants to kick you very far, beat her own record. Has a duck's bill but no other duck features and never quacks. Wears a ball gown but if you look up her skirt there will only be ducks there and she will cry and her tears will attract bees who will swarm and sting you.

13.Wince the Dickens: Face scrunched up so sour you can’t tell eye from mouth from ear in all the furls. Can fly by flapping his arms. Wears a foot-long dragon-headed codpiece. A masterful ventriloquist and vocal mimic. Prefers to lure you into traps but not so shabby with his daggers.

14. Princess Cesspit: Hunts you from a little glass house carried on the backs of a flock of little glass geese. Has a little glass spear and throws little glass stones that get bigger and bigger the further they get from her. Whistles a sweet little tune and if you hear her whistle it you have to whistle it too and that's how she finds you.

15. Queen Brownedarrears: She is a bear who they have given a crown and a mink-trimmed cape. They stole her cubs and are feeding them snails fried in garlic butter but they've ensorcelled her to think that you were the one who stole them, which she is very angry about. Faster than you might think, and she's got your scent.

16. Precchancacc: Hides in a robin's egg in a nest in a tree and any tree he's in he can control like it's his own body. Hops from tree to tree to hunt you but every hunt he makes a rule for himself like only hopping to a tree you've touched or only hopping into every second tree or only birch trees or whatever else and he never breaks his rule.

17. Mermin Mormin: A satyr with a scimitar in one hand who plays his gut like a drum with the other. Speaks in rhymes or screams when he can't rhyme. Has a bottomless wineskin but the more he drinks the drunker you get.

18. Gobnat Do That: Carries a hammer and chisel at all times because her face hardens into a porcelain mask in a matter of seconds and if she wants to speak or change her expression she has to crack it off for her new face underneath it. She'll chisel her name onto every one of your ribs. Has a soft spot for people with only one eye and will spare them if they allow her to kiss their empty socket.

19. St. Hubertus: He's here to keep them from getting too wild. Only pretends to hunt you, but he can get pretty convincing. Will create opportunities to escape the others, which they seem not to notice, or perhaps they are cowed by his holiness.

20. Loegrrr: Looks like three kids holding hands and wearing purple tiger masks. If you don't look directly at their masks, you will see that they are actually a three-headed purple tiger. Makes overly-complicated plans anticipating that you've got an overly-complicated plan of your own.

21. Gnaw-Gnaw Neenaw: A hairless man with two red teeth in his fat red head. He's got a barrel of lard on his back which he slathers himself up with, that he may slide around at unseemly fast speeds and bowl you over. Without it he is powerless. Giggles obscenely.

22. Sweetnectar: She's taking a bath in a claw-footed bath that can run around. In her bath there are snippy crabs and snappy fish and she will flick these at you with a long spoon, but this is only a distraction - if she catches you she will grab you and drag you into her bath which is much deeper and wider than it seems and under the water she is a great pink serpent who will swallow you up.

23. Sir Lockspat: A rotund and sniveling little goblin-man whose helmet is too big and whose hose is too tight. Whiny and clumsy but when he fumbles it goes much worse for you than for him through Rube Goldbergian accident.

24. Mim-Makes-Mince: Classic redcap. Carries a big rusty cleaver. Trails the hem of her apron through carnage so she can wring the gore into her puddings. Hates the sight of her own reflection and will attack it to the exclusion of all else.

Wednesday, June 12, 2024

The Unfound Fathers

Sillunasuhhijuhnide! Sillunasuhhijuhnide! Sillunasuhhijuhnide!

Uncle San is America's now, Uncle San is America's forever!

A new constitution, a new body for the new spirit of America, with greater freedoms guaranteed on forty-two-fold paper to reach the archons' moon - that is the promise of our long campaign.

The right to freedom of speech shall become the freedom of pornography, a hyperstimulus bill - the return of the porneia, bodies becoming images and idols and commodities in whole or by parts.
The right to bear arms shall become the right to wield arms against the unarmed.

The right not to board soldiers in your home shall become the right to private soldiers, personal armies.

The right to freedom of religion shall become freedom from religion, from religio itself, from all strictures.
The right to remain silent shall become the right to silence, to shut down dissidinformation before it can assay as set our expert management.

The pursuit of happiness, that gallivanting glatisant, shall end! Caught and butchered and feasted on at last we shall have wight supremacy - white as the sepulcher and the bones within, white as the land that's been salted deep, white as the merciless north - white taxes, white rents, white debts endless in interest this implosive spiral like gravity like Satan's wings wheeling without end in the deepest hell.
We will rule in hell! We are princes of this Earth! And the kings! The fearless, peerless kings, born yet unknown to us and unborn yet known in the haplo-Doppler blueshift in the stirring loins of the nation to cum!
These kings shall recognize no authority, only force - our America needs not God to choose it, and shall be under nothing except should the world entire be buried beneath the irradiated grave-dirt of our failure. We shall draw out Leviathan from his nook and make of him a new god with an Nvidious brain and a heart wrenched from the Californiac earth. We shall not pray but demand and our Leviathan will bring our violence and the license of our violence to all corners on white wings. The old poxy proxies which bring sickness to the core will find their replacement by clonal colonies of our genetic elite. 
Conserve your compassion, it's not a perpetual emotion - we seek not revoltution but redeform - an unmanageable democracy is crushed by the infinite mass of the people: a singularity, impenetrable to the light of our reason, our republic a fledgling under the weight of a giant's egg.
A fie a fire an ire upon the deep country we corn feed subsidize the Yellow Mass the rats partake of kernels meant to be men. A deep state with roots imperishable in the halls of power its cables and its cargo stretch Packed and At lee. Tensions and pensions of princess Europa's court we stoke in a furnace of black rock.
Now and tomorrow only the free world led and bled and dry as a wight in Sweden's barrows they will vote for their own deaths as free and light as dust for there are worse things than death, there is such a thing as evil, and it is seen in the red of the rising sun a dark energy invisible and accelerating.

The eastern hordes they covet our hoards and where our eyes spy and our tongues lie theirs are assuredly worse. With bot-net sweeps and special forces creeps we fight them here and now. Mafiosolatido! Gang bang bang the concrete jungles, for wild animals can't consent to euthanization like domesticated man. Uncle San wants not you but us as hands for the kings of America to be. These Unfound Fathers in meat carnate that country-haunting haint.
Have we not been catholic to their crowns?

Tuesday, June 11, 2024

Big Gay Orcs - Solo Play

Should orcs have only one eye? Should they bob their heads as if pigeons to achieve depth perception? Recent orc discourse which led me to the game Big Gay Orcs by Grant Howitt claims yes.

Link to game here:

This is the story of the final day of the orc Ugly Bastard, and of his fellow-orcs in the fortress of Bloodripper Bastion. They're all gay also, but the other orcs look like this:

So it's not that gay.

Ugly Bastard has a reputation for furiousity, yet on the inside he's fearful. He is a master weaponsmith, and his driving motivation is to become the next warlord of the horde, since the previous warlord was assassinated.

There are five named NPCs in the fortress (and some unknown and insignificant number of nameless other orcs):
-Furbog the wilderness ranger
-Dalthu the omen-scryer
-Stugbu the warlord's ex-bodyguard
-Hoknuk the beast-speaker
-Varthug the axe-thrower sergeant

Now for Ugly Bastard's relationships with them:
-UB despises Furbog for witnessing a moment of UB's cowardice
-UB respects Dalthu for his ambition
-UB is jealous of Stugbu for his close relationship with the previous warlord
-UB despises Hoknuk for not giving him a cool war-beast to ride
-UB is frustrated by Varthug for refusing his advances

Bloodripper Bastion is the last obstacle between the armies massing on the horizon and their orc-city, presumably where they keep the orc-women. Between certain death and being nagged by those friggin broads they face an impossible choice. Dusk is falling. They will not see the dawn.

Ugly Bastard has spent the last few days hammering out some last arrowheads for the Bastion's defense. He's bored, he's sweaty, he's terrified. He chugs some fermented sow-milk, and decides he wants to die without regrets. He decides to hit on Varthug, that tease.

It's a partial success - Varthug agrees to go behind the barracks to touch butts. However, UB's reputation for furiousity works against him: Varthug doesn't want to be sore for when the fighting kicks off. Scared of rejection, UB shows a tender side, and Varthug gets +1 mark against UB - that'll be bad if Varthug dies or flees. In the afterglow UB gets 2 hope, leaving him with a total of 22. If his hope runs out it's game over.

While UB and Varthug were canoodling, an event kicks off. Because UB didn't do anything to protect the fortress the event's a bit worse than it otherwise would have been. Stugbu flees against the rays of the setting sun. The guy didn't have any marks on Ugly Bastard, so UB doesn't really care.

With Stugbu - one of the Bastion's best fighters - gone, the mood darkens. Where there is talk, it is most often of who was expected to flee next. Still riding high from his hook-up with Varthug, UB ignores this, and goes to propose un petit peu de frottage (as the French say) with Dalthu.

Dalthu agrees, but only on the condition that afterwards Ugly Bastard do something to help with the Bastion's defense. While they are getting it on, Hoknuk gathers his wargs and beast-riders charge out the gates for a suicide attack, which accomplishes nothing because Hoknuk is chienne faite (as the French say). Post-nut clarity hits UB and Dalthu hard - UB realizes he should build barricades or something, and Dalthu regrets letting his dick do the thinking for him.

The sun fully disappeared beneath enemy lines, Ugly Bastard dismantles furniture and other non-essentials to shore up the gate and create barricades for fall-back positions should the gate fall. He gets the fortifications up solidly and in decent time, but shivers the whole time as he hears the sounds of Hoknuk and his sally getting slaughtered, revealing his fear to Furbog, Varthug, and many other orcs besides.

Unbeknownst to any, an enchanter in the enemy camp ensorcells Varthug's heart, using his loss of respect for Ugly Bastard as the chink to get in.

Ashamed, unmanned, and desperately needing a distraction, Ugly Bastard propositions Furbog. Furbog taunts him, laughing in his face and demanding to know where UB's infamous battle-rage had gone. Ugly Bastard cries and goes to hide in a pile of hay. He loses 2 hope from the experience, leaving him at 20.

While UB is sulking, a couple goblins return from Hoknuk's valiant charge with an injured enemy in tow. The cheers upon the goblins' return rouse UB from his hiding place. He decides that if goblins can be war-heroes, then he can win over Furbog.

In fact he does! UB and Furbog make out in a puddle of mud by the boar pens, restoring a whopping 4 hope. Unfortunately and inconsequentially (given their impending deaths) UB also contracts oral herpes from the encounter.

In a stunning display of lack of inter-departmental communication, an arrow sails over the wall and nails Varthug in the neck, taking out the enemy's man on the inside. UB and Furbog are making eyes at each other and returning to the main force as this happens. UB is left stunned, as he had caught feelings for Varthug. He loses 7 hope, leaving him with 17 remaining.

Wanting to forget the horrid sight of his one-time lover drowning in his own blood, Ugly Bastard drinks some more fermented sow-milk and barges into the hall of omens, raring to "tie the knot" with Dalthu (as the dogs say). Dalthu, against his better judgement, agrees, but at the same time castigates Ugly Bastard for both his avoidance of the siege and his rampant horniness. At this point the mélange of extreme emotions in so short a time had almost completely fried Ugly Bastard's brain, so this scolding only made UB fall for Dalthu more. Together the orcs suffer the little death, preparing them somewhat for the big death that was soon to follow. Enemy forces muster around Bloodripper Bastion as they lie in each other's arms. The experience restores 5 hope to UB.

Starting to really feel the fermented sow-milk now, Ugly Bastard double fists two bottles more and mounts the stairs up to the ballista. He chugs them while firing off bolts wildly at the enemy. He misses every single one, and the orcs who witness it agree: Ugly Bastard isn't furious, he's crazy and stupid. Reaching back for another bolt and missing entirely, UB tumbles off the ballista-tower and crashes through a wagon at its base. Bruised, cracked, and full of splinters, UB takes 5 damage to his hope, leaving him at 17 again.

It was a lucky break, as these things go, as moments after falling an enemy siege engine provoked by UB's wild fire blasts the tower to pieces. He loses another point of hope as debris rains around him (remaining total 16).

Basically feral at this point, Ugly Bastard decides to clamber over the wall and just start shanking dudes. He gets a few, but overall this was a poorly thought-out plan, and he just barely gets back to the bastion alive with 9 hope left and quite a few new bloody wounds.

He really shouldn't have bothered coming back, because while he was out and fucking about the enemy's main force breached the gate and slaughtered his comrades. When Ugly Bastard witnesses this he falls to his knees and doesn't even resist as squad of spearmen stab him through the heart, his soul as dry as his balls.

To recap the fates of our characters:
-Ugly Bastard: Speared many times over while bleeding out
-Furbog: Killed by invaders after gate was breached (times hooked up with: 1)
-Dalthu: Killed by invaders after gate was breached (times hooked up with: 2)
-Stugbu: Fled the Bastion (times hooked up with: 0)
-Hoknuk: Dead by suicide charge (times hooked up with: 0)
-Varthug: Took an arrow to the neck (times hooked up with: 1)

In Review:

Happy Pride Month.

Bonus: Orc Fortress Name Generator

Glower's Fen - A Village To Plop Down Whereverabouts

Built atop a marsh, a maze of algae-skirted docks, reed-woven pontoons, floating farm plots, and tent-canoes with a population of about 300, though Glower's Fen is in a perpetual state of disintegration and re-integration as people peel off their homes for better fishing grounds, or to trade surreptitiously with the stiltshrikes.

People here wear capes, mallard-feather caps, and little else. They keep a breed of swimming pigs as livestock and companions, and enjoy smoking numbingly-spicy cheroots. Glower's Fen's claim to fame is its industry of swamp-tromping, hunting down "will-o'-the-wisps" - giant fireflies - to drain their abdomens for glowing fluid from which a precious pigment is made. The hall where this pigment is processed is the largest, sturdiest building in the village. The pigment is worth 50 silver pieces a pint, and there are typically 2d6 pints in the building at any time.

Glower's Fen also has a continuous string of degenerate gold-moilers and truffle hunters passing through chasing rumours of a find deeper in the marsh, who are not generally liked. Typical adventuring gear is available at a slight mark-up, unless it includes metal in which case there is a significant mark-up. Rations will be some sort of smoked or fermented fish or frog, or pork jerky.

Persons of Interest:

Gunar Glower: Descendant of the village's founder, wealthiest man in it and de facto headman. Hosts meetings around the crab-legged brass brazier in his home. He's got bulging eyes and a greasy comb-over. Like all his family he walks with a limp and a cane capped with a carved firefly - his right leg is nearly-boneless, the foot webbed. The Glowers claim this is because an ancestor of theirs married a mermaid. Others say it's the inbreeding.

Gunar is a lecher with an inferiority complex. He wants to hire muscle to clear out the marsh and suppress local opposition, so that Glower's Fen can be built up into a bustling center of commerce.

Pigmother Kuzegi: Best swineherd in the village, and deadly shot with a sling. Fat, strong, and loud. She's bred a pig that can sniff out treasure, and asks 100 silver pieces for it - if the pig's in a hex with a dungeon or hidden treasure, it can find it in 1d4 hours, no check necessary. Genko Glower, a son of Gunar, is attempting to woo her for her pig-wealth, and desires a rare flower from the depths of the marsh for this. Kuzegi is indulging him because she likes him better than his father and would prefer Genko in charge.

Kuzegi has a grudge against the Ahhuuz for eating many of her charges, and will pay dearly for the location of its lair.

Milicia Temperantia Occasia: A nun from the Abbey of Razefallow, officially sent to Glower's Fen to negotiate for glowing ink with which books that can be read in the dark can be penned, and unofficially because she's a drunken mess who the abbess wanted to get rid of. Switches rapidly between jolly and scolding. If sobered up Milicia could be an invaluable source on regional history and geography. The locals are immensely entertained by her slurred preaching.

Local Threats:

Emina the Mycologue: A bulbspattled wizard of some infamy. She can talk to fungi. Her familiar is a moldy loaf of bread she stole from the table of a king. It knows many secrets. Emina leads a gang of truffle-jumpers - bandits who specialize in stalking and robbing truffle hunters, and tries to avoid targeting locals. The lower ranks of her gang are war-orphans dosed up on psychedelic mushrooms and armed with spears of fire-hardened wood.

Stiltshrikes: Nomadic fishermen who go about on stilts and wield long bidents. They've got a long-standing feud with the people of Glower's Fen and other settlements nearby, often leaving those they catch in the marsh impaled on tree branches, tearing up eel weirs, and so on and so on. When engaged in raiding and suchlike they wear wooden war-masks that amplify their voices to inhuman shrieks.

Ahhuuz: A beast which the people of Glower's Fen claim the stiltshrikes worship, though this is not true. It is named for the sound of its midnight call: "ahoozoozoozoo", and is believed to be the last of its kind. It has black and rubbery flesh, has a build like a greyhound though the stature of a destrier, gross-out monster toy jaws and teeth like arthritic fingers. It is silent while on the attack, snatching people and dragging them into the murk to drown. If locals suspect the Ahhuuz is about they will kill a pig and dump it into the water some ways off to appease it.

Gloamworms: Said to be either the wrathful husks of overharvested will-o'-the-wisps, or some necessary cosmic opposite to the light of those giant fireflies. In any case, they are predators shrouded by unnatural darkness, and wholly disregard the flesh of their prey, taking only the bones and viscera.

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

‘Round Once More In These Here Parts...


1: Are actually detachable, motile flowers, highly-sophisticated examples of sexual/floral mimicry, evolved to target humans instead of insects. They themselves possess human-like sapience, but are slaved by reproduction and sustenance to the vegetable intelligence of the plants they sprout from. Sea elves, of course, are a caste of coral polyp that evolved for a similar function. Dark elves? Hmmm, mushrooms, but of course those are a sort of plant.
2: Are people who've become integrated - perhaps willingly, perhaps not - with the mycorrhizal network of a forest, participating in its collective (un)consciousness.
3: Have ears that never stop growing, like a rodent's incisors. Most elves have their ears trimmed to a respectable clip, but ascetics will let theirs grow to ponderous lengths.
4: Are a set of divine creations which mark the boundaries of mortality and the transient world by embodying a negation of it - one elf might be undying, another unfalling, another undefeatable, and so on and so forth.
5: Were a very long-lived though slowly-reproducing (extreme K selection) offshoot of homo sapiens, who all ended up dead or undead due to their lesser ability to adapt to new diseases. The elvish remnants operate centuries-long breeding programs, attempting to get an individual to express enough lingering elf-genes to be worthy of induction into their undying ranks, a necessity to counteract the attrition of ages.
6: Kidnap babies to render them into stem cells and that's where their extended lives and youth come form they just smush babies onto their faces.

1: Experience gravity in reverse, dig underground by necessity as otherwise they would fall into the sky. Special alcohol brewed with magnetic powders makes them walk normal-like on the ground but also endrunkens them.
2: Can't even grow beards. Wear postiches. Feel deep inadequacy about this but also ritual veneration of the postiche and its adornments.
3: Are hewn from impossible veins of flesh and bone that writhe among the roots of mountains, rather than being born in the mammalian way. Artisans are tasked with smoothing out the features and excess extremities of newly-mined dwarves. Mining out too many dwarves in too short a time will cause a vein to spasm, causing earthquakes and collapses, or become necrotic and begin to spawn undead abominations.
4: Are essentially prisoners of the more populous lowlanders inhabiting more fertile lands which are not burrowed through mountains, forced to mine ores and gems and supply worked goods in return for food which they can't produce from the solid rock.
5: Are a sort of organic spacesuit worn by alien beings from the long night below the world, that they might survive the upper reaches of the earth. Dwarf-suits themselves are semi-sapient even without their "wearers".
6: Are the descendants of people seduced into the bowels of the earth by the resounding echoes of the world's primordial birth-scream. They hear it in the womb, and are driven to tunnel endlessly to seek its source - unless they've drunken themselves into indolence.

1: Live in kurgan-cottage mounds built up over the graves of passed generations. Their dead are protected by shambling constructs pieced together from the bones of livestock and intruders they've butchered and buried.
2: Give birth to seeds, which when planted grow over several seasons into a bean-pod bearing a clutch of halfling clones. Every halfling has such a collection of stories and tall tales about themselves because they see their pod-fellows as identical to themselves.
3: Are literally and metaphorically halved - in height, and in missing a half of their self: their shadow or name or death or suchlike, different for each halfling.
4: Turn into either gnomes or goblins when they get old - gnomes if they're kindly grandma types, goblins if they're don't-give-a-fuck-anymore types.
5: Use stilts or very high platform shoes and very tall hats to match other peoples in height. The hats and hollow platforms or stilts are often full of tricks and gadgets, from a basket to deep-fry quick snacks in to spools of razor-wire that whip out and cut everyone around them's throat.
6: Are animate & intelligent stuffed toys, often with the heads of cuddly animals - once the companions and protectors of obscenely-wealthy children, enough escaped into the hills and woods with the secret of stitching more of their kind to create self-sustaining free populations.

1: War, war changes. Every time and place has known its own particular sort of war, its scars apparent on the land and the people. Each particular sort of war has its own particular sort of changing those who wage it, and those it's waged on. Those broken in body and soul by the waging of war may become orcs - in wars of trenches and noxious gas they grow shovel-like claws and gas-mask snouts, where pike and shot reign they grow plates and long blades of bulletproof bone, and so on and so on.
2: The loan-sharks of Hell are not always satisfied with just the single soul of those they deal with - sometimes they charge interest. When one owes many souls in such a teind they're take into the inferno and mutilated for their new master's purposes - a nose that can smell innocent blood, muscles to tear a man's head from his neck, and so on. These altered collectors are orcs.
3: Are just some nation that was cursed with being fucked-up looking by another nation that wanted to feel less bad about slaughtering them all and stealing their land.
4: Are physiologically in a constant state of life-or-death excitement, granting them hysterical strength as well as inflicting them with aggressive agitation. Often graft extra arms onto their bodies, as fully exerting their strength with a limb will break it. Drugs which can get them to relax are a vital social lubricant.
5: There's some islands out east or west or in the sky or whatever and a lot of good spices are there and the people there have an agreement with sharks wherein the sharks won't eat people and the people won't eat the sharks' favourite fish and half the year the people live on land and the other half of the year the people switch places with the sharks and one time guys from some other place tried to set up plantations for all the spices but that was at the time of year the sharks were in the place of people and a lot of those guys got eaten and the stories of the land-shark-people that filtered back to the land those guys came from is what orcs are.
6: Are sapient cave bears that evolved to prey on and be worshiped by early homo sapiens. Can go about bipedally for long periods and wield tools with their forepaws. Were left behind when mankind got better gods, but seek to violently reclaim their old place on the food chain and great chain of being.

1: Were buried dumps for nuclear waste, or some magical equivalent, but over centuries/millennia people disregarded the warnings, critters wandered in, and stuff was mutated into monsters and decayed into valuable materials.
2: Are cracks that spread up and out into the surface-world from the hell-prisons of primordial titans, infused with some of the power and wrath of the titan whose struggles opened it.
3: Are grown from actual dungeons - and there's an art to it, like bonsai. In the utter darkness of the oubliettes and misery of the cells, the nightmares of the prisoners congeal into physical, though by waking logic impossible, structures, creatures, and treasures.
4: The planet's like a Dyson sphere but around a black hole instead of a star, it's not meant to harvest energy from Hawking radiation or whatever but to pierce beyond the event horizon - get deep enough underground and spaces and things and everything else get fucky from crossing into singularity territory.
5: Were once just regular, above-ground structures, but there was a global mud-flood due to a magnetic pole-shift which buried them.
6: Are drop-pods loaded with genetically-engineered soldiers and nigh-magical materiel and shot down from orbit in an ancient war between stellar powers. The war occurred so long ago that the drop-pods have sunk into the earth and the soldiers forgotten their mission in favour of a chaotic melange of instincts.

1: Are the highest rank of royalty, a step above an emperor - any emperor who expands his holdings and enriches himself enough will become a dragon, and continue these pursuits afterwards.
2: Are vessels that sufficiently mighty and clever fire elementals forge around themselves to survive the material plane. Their breath weapon is in fact this controlling entity.
3: Are animate execution devices, similar to a bronze bull. Their fire and their destructive wrath alike come from the burning souls imprisoned within them.
4: Are a relic-species of giant hexapoda, capable of flying and spraying gouts of a boiling poisonous chemical and drawn to building nests out of shiny objects to attract mates.
5: Are egregorean manifestations of all organisms' reptile brains, combining favourable attributes of any and all reptiles into singular forms. As Platonic survivors, the death of any dragon renders the rest a little bit stronger.
6: Share an occult family with the cockatrice, both hatching from chicken eggs incubated by unusual creatures - a toad in the case of a cockatrice, the Devil himself in the case of dragons.

1: Are disembodied voices of the dead who passed with things unsaid - if not provided a figure to speak their last words through, these ghosts will rise in volume and incoherence until they become vein-popping banshees.
2: Are all Scooby Doo-esque hoaxes, but these hoaxes are performed by a caste of spiritual mediums in the service of proper mourning.
3: Are a specialized class of demon, capable of possessing sentimental memories of lost loved ones as others of their kind might possess a body.
4: Are anchored to the living world by strong emotions. To remain for extended periods they must provoke and drain emotions from others, rendering those others listless husks.
5: Are subconscious creations of psychics failing to process grief and loss. Telekinetics spawn poltergeists, telepaths hallucinatory hauntings, and so on and suchlike.
6: Are bio-sonic recordings, like holograms made of final words and heartbeats, encoded in the fine structure of a sort of vitrified stone used in the structures of a fallen civilization - often looted and repurposed.

1: Are a sort of pyramid scheme - a portion of everything that a ghoul eats is kicked up to the ghoul that turned them, and so on and so on - ghouls with many "descendants" become bloated behemoths squatting atop lesionous legions.
2: Are an epigenetic phenomenon seeded in the human genome hundreds of thousands of years ago, triggered by traumatic cannibalism - perhaps as an emergency measure in the event of global overpopulation and resource crisis.
3: As ghouls age they elongate and their limbs atrophy, until they become as worms and chew into the earth to gnaw with their forefather Nidhogg at the roots of the world.
4: Can take on a trait from each corpse they eat, eventually evolving into cemetary chimeras.
5: Are illicit cannibals, cursed for poaching corpses which by right belong to the scavenger demon-god Yeenoghu. Gnolls are Yeenoghu's legitimate priests.
6: Can, if they can maintain a plentiful diet of corpse-meat, become jackalweres, and so enjoy being alive for a time instead of being hideous and wretched undead - so long as they remain well-fed.

1: Are what becomes of kobolds who've been kicked out of their mines, brownies who've lost their homes, and of every other sort of dispossessed little folk, becoming fey lumpenproles.
2: Are what becomes of human sacrifices to the bog-gods, pickled and shriveled down into little green terrors.
3: Are spirits of mischief, and have nothing to do with hobgoblins - who are a type of people - but are related to bugbears, who are spirits of fear.
4: Are the "fingers" of a higher-dimensional organism pressing into 3-dimensional space. All goblins are Goblin, and Goblin does not care very much for its individual "fingers", and its "nerves" are "slow" and "low-fidelity" - goblins can be thought of as telepathic, but it's a telepathy like ripples in tar, or a message through cans connected by strings fifty meters longs.
5: Are living expressions of the colour green - envious, camouflaged, fecund, and everything else.
6: Possess both technical expertise and near-total sociopathy because they instinctively process everything in terms of manipulable parts. People too are just modules of meat and bloody fuel.

Tuesday, June 4, 2024

D20x5 Evil Space Empires

Pairs well with a sinister space church.

Click the button below to generate your empire:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here:

D20 This evil space empire is ruled
1 by an A.I. emperor-core with "son" sub-units dispatched to oversee the empire's outer reaches - every century or so the core must be mostly-reset to undo the accumulation of mental errors, and then the sub-units cannibalized to restore knowledge.
2 by a caste of transhuman aristocrats who claim that they are a separate species from humanity, and that they are in fact ancient aliens who taught the Mayans/Egyptians/etc.
3 by a central bank which presides over a general cartel of mega-corporations that monopolize all significant industries and services.
4 by a council of scientists representing every field of study, who use the empire to experiment without limit or ethics and develop new methods of technocratic control.
5 by a representative democracy that would be familiar to our 21st-century selves - but the underlying culture's pretty dark and fucked-up.
6 by a secret order of telepaths who control the minds of significant public figures as proxies and mouthpieces.
7 by a sapient, silico-magnetic hell which resides within the mantle of their throne-world, demanding a tribute of organic minds uploaded into its substrate for it and its most loyal, assimilated servants to torment.
8 by a perpetual dictator who uses a bio-engineered virus to convert succesors into exact physical and mental duplicates of himself, and to warp dissidents into deranged hybrids.
9 by a primeval autonomous dreadnought unrivaled by any modern craft, with enigmatic designs on the galaxy.
10 by a mystery cult wherein higher rungs of government correspond with deeper levels of initiation, which practices human sacrifice and cannibalism and that sort of thing.
11 by a coalition of warlords and tyrants who work together for mutual defense and rebellion-crushing.
12 by way of cybernetically-enabled direct democracy, though the voting system developed its own emergent intelligence and now directs the citizenry to its own ends through manipulation of mass psychology.
13 by the virtualized ghosts of its founders, their will absolutely unquestionable yet degraded into glitching senility.
14 by a hive-mind of precocious and sociopathic children created from samples discovered in an alien ruin.
15 by a eugenic elite born from pits of liquefied gene-stuff, where only the most dominant and aggressive traits survive to be shaped together into a new, whole organism.
16 by a fraternity of lich-lords jealously clinging to power and life, stripped down to skeletal frameworks of tissue sustained by machinery and fresh infusions and transplants.
17 by an inbred nexus of oligarch-families and their associated mafias, all pretending to mythologized, historically-revisionist nobility.
18 by the champion of a decennial gladiatorial tournament.
19 by a corrupt, decadent, and overgrown bureaucracy.
20 by oracles possessed by a deified madness, capable of super-scientific miracles, each a receiver of a signal which "curves" through higher-dimensional space.
D20 Among the evils of this space empire
1 is its workforce of lobotomized slave-legions.
2 is its use of false-flag attacks to scare its populace into compliance.
3 is sterilizing recalcitrant populations, and replacing them with ideologically-committed settlers.
4 is demanding that children be surrendered to it, so that they can be indoctrinated as battle-thralls.
5 is indiscriminate use of germ warfare.
6 is bombing an entire planet into a barren rock to exterminate a guerilla force.
7 is the time they gave a huge number of their own people to be processed as payment for an anthropophagous mercenary force.
8 is seeding civilian areas with robotic terror weapons.
9 is immortalizing their defeated enemies as agonized nerve-sculptures.
10 is baseless persecution of religious and ethnic groups.
11 is executing the relatives of criminals along with the criminal themself.
12 is testing its military systems on communities of its own poor.
13 is sponsoring terrorist groups to destabilize foreign governments.
14 is flagrant disregard for treaties and conventions.
15 is time-crime, attempted violations of causality that could potentially destroy the entire universe.
16 is doing a lot of assassinations.
17 is xenocide of a peaceful alien species.
18 are human, drug, organ, and weapon trafficking.
19 is harvesting brains to use as organic computers.
20 is hunting sapient beings for sport.
D20 Aesthetically, this evil space empire
1 resembles the Carnival of Venice, all masks, bright colours, and elaborate costumes and edifices.
2 is like a Greco-Roman Apple store, with a lot of predator drone-esque pale curves.
3 looks like Bruce Timm's Gotham.
4 is like it was designed by a chemically-castrated H.R. Giger.
5 leans heavily into sumptuary laws and class distinctions.
6 resembles the music video for Kanye West's song Power, but more sci-fi.
7 is like a bleak, twisted, rebranded version of The Jetsons for a new generation.
8 is like the lab in the 1931 Frankenstein movie extrapolated out into a whole civilization.
9 looks like gundams or evangelions but it's not giant robots just all their technology.
10 is like a visual kei BDSM club mixed with that Korean cosmetic surgery clinic where they've got a pillar full of jaw shavings - but not too much like Hellraiser because that's already been done.
11 is kind of like Zardoz but also kind of like Self-Embodiment of Perfection from Jujutsu Kaisen, with a lot of giant stone heads and other body parts in interlinked arrangements.
12 is somewhere between Jack Kirby space god stuff and the bad guys from Nemesis the Warlock.
13 is a weird, gaudy, pseudo-historical kludge like the Las Vegas Strip and also Neom in space.
14 is soy-core... pods, bugs, Klaus Schwab mantles, and suchlike... if you know, you know.
15 looks like the most racist man in the '80s' stimulant psychosis nightmare of an ascendant future Japan.
16 is the EPCOT Center plus the Event Horizon - and again, can't stress this enough, not too much like Hellraiser.
17 has got Paolo Soleri's sketches for its architecture and Thierry Mugler's designs for its fashion.
18 is kind of like the Empire in Warhammer 40k but Southern Gothic instead of regular Gothic.
19 is like a Pieter Bruegel the Elder painting mashed up with Kilian Eng.
20 is Orientalist Eiriel (deliriant realm reported by some on benadryl and suchlike).
D20 This evil space empire's territory
1 has shrunk significantly over the years, which they are in denial about - outlying territories which used to pay them immense tribute now pay only lip service.
2 is stretched thin across recent conquests.
3 is a web of strongholds with pockets of anarchy in between.
4 is enclosed by a wall of fortifications, signal-jammers, and interceptors intended to prevent anything getting in or out without the empire's approval.
5 is marked by gargantuan monuments.
6 is like a tensegrity structure - held together by internal oppositions and tensions more than conventional authority.
7 is scarred by war and terrible armaments.
8 is threatened along one border by an otherworldly devouring swarm.
9 has been recently expanded by a charismatic and popular general who's coming to be perceived as a threat by the empire's established powers.
10 is being sanctioned and blockades by an alliance of its foes.
11 is riven by a cold civil war.
12 has all its radio-frequencies bombarded with propaganda 24/7 - but this of course is in space so the number of hours in a day and days in a week can vary from place to place.
13 is strip-mined and environmentally-devastated.
14 is deliberately kept harsh in the belief that this will toughen the citizenry up.
15 can actually be quite nice, if you're a well-off person in the garden-like core worlds.
16 is being drained of its wealth due to addiction to a mutant strain of saffron they don't have the capacity to produce domestically.
17 is lop-sided, presenting a weak front.
18 is so far constrained by natural barriers, but the empire works tirelessly to surmount them.
19 is dense, tight and heavily-developed.
20 is being shaken up by the rapid spread of a messianic religion among its lower classes.
D20 The most feared of this evil space empire's forces
1 are the crocotizones, emotionless reptilian hulks strong enough to tear the arms off a man like a leg off a roasted chicken.
2 are the Crimson Shrikes, an undefeated squadron of space-fighters.
3 is its inquisition, which is filled with sadistic spies and paranoiac torturers.
4 are its inhuman combat cyborgs.
5 is its 1st Expeditionary Fleet, the empire's crushing titanium fist.
6 are its stalking ghosts, warriors who've died yet returned.
7 is the Phalanx of the Outer Dark, a constellation of mobile killer satellites that rain death from an unreachable height.
8 are the deathalopods - uplifted, amphibious giant squids used as hunter-killers - ingenious and nigh-inescapable once they've got your trail.
9 is its hidden army - its disguised and refleshed infiltrators used as hitmen, saboteurs, and suicide bombers.
10 are the Skulltaker Commando Battalion, a special forces unit which leaves no trace but the mutilated bodies of their targets.
11 are its sentient computer viruses that can cripple infrastructure across an entire planet.
12 are the flayerdroids, programmed to adorn themselves with the skins of those they slay.
13 are its self-replicating shrieker drones, which adapt to the battlefield with each generation.
14 are its hordes of fearless, hateful berserker-clones.
15 are its carnivorous slime-molds, which attack in slithering floods and hazes of spores.
16 are its slaughter-savants, who use 99% of their brains for bloodshed.
17 are its inferno-troopers, who roast enemies alive and march within a firestorm.
18 are its laser-snipers, who can invisibly pick people off from many miles away - though of course in space they may use a different unit of measurement.
19 is its honour guard, drawn from the ranks of its most skilled and hardened soldiers.
20 are its ekranoplan-riding neo-viking marauders.

Sunday, June 2, 2024

D100+ Snazzy Snacks

Best paired with a fine soda.

Click the button below to get your snack:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here:

Saturday, June 1, 2024

D6x6 Space Elf Aliens

Like eldars or vulcans or protoss, or uh they're probably in Spelljammer too.

Click the button below to generate your space elf aliens:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here:

Special no thanks to former friends of the blog Phlox and deus ex parabola, who were implored to help with brainstorming this post yet failed to respond in an adequate amount of time.

D6 These space elf aliens kind of look like
1 crystal chandeliers crawling about on translucent goose-feet, each crystal bulb holding a different arrangement of glowing gossamer organs within.
2 osseous hourglasses with a single crevice in their shell serving as eye, mouth, and cloaca, and an array of limbs as varied and specialized as the cutlery at a Victorian feast.
3 floating, bubbling chrysalises that extrude globular pseudopods from frill-like vents.
4 futurist statues made out of quivering head cheese.
5 eyeless solifugae with a cluster of coral polyps growing out of their backs.
6 gracile, five-legged stags or moose whose pearlescent antlers are segmented graspers.
D6 These space elf aliens are thought of
1 as master craftsmen, who've made wonders that wars have been fought over.
2 as living bogeymen, things which stepped out of stories that rightly belong to a pre-spaceflight era.
3 as sages whose understanding of history and the cosmos is unsurpassed.
4 as proud and aloof elite warriors.
5 as a bunch of smug jerks.
6 as enigmas who can never be fully understood or trusted.
D6 These space elf aliens live
1 in gargantuan wandering torus-ships, each a thriving ring-world lit by a fusion reactor-star.
2 within an ecumenopolitic pocket dimension, the laws of physics within subtly tweaked to be more favourable to their species. This dimension's gate-outposts are mistaken for marvellous capital cities by many.
3 in manses on vast re-wilded estates on paradisical worlds, often tastefully decorated with the ruins of those who lived there before.
4 mostly in simulated universes powered by Dyson swarms - only their lowest and highest castes are ejected to tend to concerns in reality.
5 in heavily-guarded spire-enclaves among other species, depending on those species for the provision of basic goods and materials.
6 mainly in the same solar system they evolved in, each planet and moon painstakingly terraformed into a life-bearing body.
D6 These space elf aliens' technology
1 primarily takes the form of ambient nanotechnological fog, powered and controlled by broadcast-spires, and brainscanning antennae-crowns worn by individuals.
2 has no clear demarcation between metallic machinery and organic symbiotes - their bodies integrate into it effortlessly and seamlessly.
3 is based on refracting light through hypercubic crystals to create "hard" holograms and warp space.
4 is focused on biological and psychological augmentation - the manufacture of heroic individuals.
5 can manipulate time itself, to a degree - freezing it, slowing it, accelerating it, destroying it.
6 is fitted with self-destruct mechanisms which activate if it's seized by people with the wrong bio-code.
D6 These space elf aliens' civilization
1 is ageless yet senescent, jaded and ravenous for novelties. They abduct younger species for amusement, and to render them down into a sort of recreational stem cell treatment that restores passion and vigour.
2 is patronizing and chauvinistic, attempting to domesticate "lesser" species into pets at best, or exterminating entire civilizations as vermin at worst.
3 is generally benevolent but religiously zealous, attempting to convert the cosmos to their One True Way.
4 is dominated by rigid traditionalism and ancestor-worship that has locked them into a (very advanced, relatively) stasis.
5 is paranoid and cryptic, forever warning of and taking violent measures to ward off a threat they won't or can't fully explain.
6 once considered themselves the guardians and mentors of younger species, but over the ages have been battered by disaster after catastrophe and so grown resentful and jealous of their charges.
D6 These space elf aliens are rivalled by
1 another sect of their species, who bear diametrically-opposed values.
2 a coalition of battle-thralls and war-bots that escaped their control.
3 a member of the species that uplifted them in eons past, and wove themself into the fabric of reality as essentially a demi-god.
4 a sapient, psychic STD they created and spread during a decadent phase of their existence.
5 a species of interstellar "dragons", able to fly between stars and incinerate worlds with their plasmic flame.
6 a dwindling race of nebulous titans who have been around since the first moments of time itself after the Big Bang.