What Is The Outrageous Deformity Of This Fashionable Lapdog? & Related Miscellanea

Bonus DLC for a larger table that doesn’t exist yet.

The more obvious effort it takes to keep the dog alive, the more prestigious it is.

What is the outrageous deformity of this fashionable lapdog? (D12)

1. No limbs, 90% of its body mass is fluff. Moves like a caterpillar wrapped in cotton candy.

2. Soft-boned, must have its chest massaged at all times to stimulate the pumping of its lungs. Fed pre-chewed gruel with a golden spoon.

3. Teeth grown up and out through the lips, encasing its head in an ivory cage.

4. Grossly overmuscled tail that wags its body in a fit of yipping buffoonery at the slightest excitement.

5. Delicate stilt-legs that produce a gentle, shivering gait.

6. Born without skin. Survives only with frequently replaced, medicine-soaked bandages and sterilizing baths.

7. Constantly lolling tongue, long enough to trip it up when it runs. Perpetual choking hazard. Dog must be fed through syringe squeezed down its throat.

8. Supernumerary heads and forelimbs jutting at discomforting angles from its shoulders. Never stops barking, heads can’t stand each other.

9. Head dominated by bulging eyeballs. They fall out if it moves too quickly, and must be pushed back into their sockets by hand.

10. Looks remarkably like a housecat. Suicidally depressed from chronic pain.

11. Linked by the umbilicus to a train of identical, sequentially smaller dogs.

12. Muzzle so shortened that its face is little more than a concavity in its torso.

Lapdog-related plot hooks (D6):

1. The good reichsfreiin Grizelda von Hooppentof zu Diechenbach auf Surretz wishes for her next lapdog to have a prognathicastic jaw. Go to the orcs of the Weeping Hills, and acquire one of their murder-hounds for breeding stock!

2. A number of brutal killings have shocked the court, all by the adorable tiny paws of the victims’ lapdogs. What is driving these dogs to such violence? Is it an elaborate assassination scheme? You’re being paid to find out!

3. Duels with weapons have become terribly boorish. Duels resolved between lapdogs is the next big thing. Rig the duel between the dogs of the sorely cuckolded Herr Friedlander and the slimy svengali Herr Muellin so that Herr Friedlander can avenge his dishonour.

4. The baron believes that his young heir has been replaced by a lapdog bred in his exact image. Discover the truth, then either find the real heir or disabuse the decreasingly sane baron of his delusion.

5. The count’s lap is too large for ordinary lapdogs. Three quite expensive dogs have already suffocated sunken in its folds. Find, or make, a lapdog big enough for the count. Normal large dogs won’t do.

6. Counterfeit freak-dogs made with mutagenic toxins are saturating the market. Professional breeders will shell out to see the source shut down, the perpetrators made an example of.

So you want to sell this weird-looking lapdog:

Prices assume a silver standard.

Dog multiplier:

0.5x: Boring, mutt, common breed.

1x: Breed associated with refinement, unusual colour, deformities that could be replicated with prosthetics.

2x: Real head-turner, freakshow material.

3x: WTF is going on with this dog, how are you going to get it to the buyer before it dies, or: the dog is of credibly divine lineage.

Buyer:

Unscrupulous Butcher (5 copper pieces per dog HD, dog multipliers become dividers).

Aspirational Burgher (1d6 silver pieces).

Voguish Courtier (10 silver pieces, 1 gold piece if no one else at court has a dog like it).

Puppy-Obsessed Prince(ss) (3d6 gold pieces, -1D6 for every four months since the dog was born).