Thursday, May 4, 2023

D6 Animatronic Selfmodificing Avantpop Martyrforms

A.I... Artificial Intelligence? More like, Artificial Imbecile!.. it's stupid folks.

Sometimes the machine spits out something good though:

that's from me trying to get the machine on the GLOG server to make something good. That was the only good part. But it is good. Anyways, here's six animatronic selfmodificing avantpop martyrforms (revenge frenzies sold separately):

1. Nono & Emzee: Like all animatronic selfmodificing avantpop martyrforms, the product of a Vatican Bank-BlackRock collaboration, loaded with simulations of top Swedish songwriters like Karl Martin Sandberg which can pump out algorithmically-maximixed hit tunes, and capable of limited self-repair and situational adaption.

Nono & Emzee is a mechatronic ferry made to look like a wooden ark carried atop the backs of two perpetually-smiling turtles (a husband & wife couple who would make reference to their many turtle-children, though these never ended up being manufactured). It was used to transport children enrolled in the seastead chartered schools anchored around the flooded New York City, and act as a platform for engagements with pirates and illegal climate migrants.

Nono & Emzee was sunk at Lexington and East 57th Street after being rammed by a motorized raft. Though it lost its buoyancy and mobility, the animatronic miraculously retained its ability to sing about the importance of wearing a life jacket, and can be heard gurgling up from the depths to this day.

2. Auggie Rawgy: Modeled after a lion-lamb-hybrid fursona wearing golden rosary-bling, programmed with the entire corpus of St. Augustine and other Catholic luminaries, and able to compose raps which communicate their ideas on a level comprehensible by children. This was a useful feature, as Auggie Rawgy was also programmed to kidnap truant children and place them into socially-necessary and productive service roles in participating fast food chains, meat processing plants, and sewer treatment facilities.

After several years policing the delinquents of Dallas, Auggie Rawgy was hacked and half-melted, made to see those carrying police or private security RFIDs as children, and the edges of buildings more than six storeys tall as child drop-off locations. It still rapped, but its racial slur limiter was removed. The modified Auggie Rawgy was shot to pieces in an Applebee's parking lot two weeks after its new appearance.

3. The Great Jimjam: Host of the charitable gameshow PilgrimPalz, wherein contestants competed in grueling yet faith-inspiring challenges to win prizes calibrated according to means testing. The Great Jimjam was mounted on treads embedded in its calves, so that it could appear to always be kneeling in prayer, and sang hymns set to the tune of game shows past, such as Jeopardy and Takeshi's Castle.

The Great JimJam was torn apart and eaten by a contestant in the 14th season of PilgrimPalz, who after winning a race up the steps to the Basilica of Sacré Coeur de Montmartre backwards and on his knees was informed that his prize money would be downgraded due to him living in a historically high average wealth zip code for three years a decade ago. The contestant died afterwards of a ruptured digestive tract.

4. Julie the Caesarbot: A vaporwave-inspired animatronic with hot pink laurel wreath-sunglasses. Julie was programmed to visit the homes of those who'd been tagged based on their online behaviour to be at risk of evading taxes or engaging in other anti-social thoughts and deeds, and convince them in an amicable manner to confess and repent.

Perhaps the shortest in operation of all the martyrforms, Julie had its head blown off by a 3D-printed shotgun on its third home visit. The culprit was never found.

5. Chally & D-Vash: A duo-animatronic like Nono & Emzee, modeled to look like a cartoonish bee (D-Vash) riding atop an equally-cartoonish cow (Chally). Their relationship was programmed to be a belligerent friendship with tasteful lesbian undertones. Musically, they would sing pop-punk duets, with Chally being the bouncy and cheerful counterpart to D-Vash's technogoth leaning.

Chally & D-Vash were tasked with preaching the health and environmental benefits of synthetic neo-foods like protein composites and So-oy™, as well as providing cost-deferred samples of these products in food deserts.

An error in the animatronics' navigation led them into a ditch full of agricultural waste, where they were stuck for a number of months while their creators were too busy with other concerns to bother getting it out. During this time D-Vash was able to cannibalize Chally for parts to selfmodifice and escape the ditch. However, certain chemical markers in the waste were close enough to the products it was meant to distribute for D-Vash to confuse them, and it was destroyed by an angry mob after giving out poisonous sludge to hungry children.

6. Lil Mary-Teresa: Lil Mary-Teresa was the matron of Primum Towers (a Vatican Bank-Blackrock social housing collaboration), which was routinely and incidentally exposed to various bioweapons deployed by deniable paramilitary organizations, and then fast-tracked for experimental treatments of the same.

Lil Mary-Teresa would patrol the Towers, singing ballads that exhorted listeners to respect science, theology, and the importance of avoiding contamination both physical and mental. She would also comfort those suffering from bioweapons or the side-effects of treatments by holding them to her modestly-covered yet appealingly-soft bosom, and dispensing moderately-addictive painkillers with a proprietary formula which ensured that its pangs of withdrawal couldn't be assuaged by any substitutes.

This animatronic is presumed incinerated along with Primum Towers and most of the rest of Montréal in the Sino-Indian nuclear exchange.


  1. #2 hit me like a load of bricks holy cow. This is exactly the nightmare future of Catholic Zoomer outreach.

  2. Fuck...this is gold. I now wish I knew more about both Catholicism and Heresy to make my own animatronic self-modificing avantpop martyrforms myself..alas. Uhh you wouldn't mind me using tese for some Fallout post-apoc setting would you?

  3. the implied setting in this post is the best cyberpunk this decade

  4. These are great, love the blend of co-opting and corrupting concepts in this absurd implied setting.

  5. This post has entered hyperspace. Worthy of standing with Noofutra