D12 Weapons in the War on Christmas

Joyless atheists, christians who seek to excise syncretic contamination, jews who are tired of getting chinese food every year around that time - war can make strange allies, and perhaps none stranger than the War on Christmas. These are the arms they wield against that holly jolly holiday:

1. Aerosolized Herpes Simplex Virus: Rigged to proximity dispensers placed by mistletoe arrangements.

2. Soy Milk: Mixed with 11 secret additives to make it indistinguishable in flavour and texture from full-fat cow's milk, yet retaining all phytoestrogenic properties to weaken Santa's masculine hyperborean vril.

3. Extra-Cancerous Firelog: Nobody is slipping down a chimney lined with creosote from these logs without picking up a few tumours.

4. Resonant-Explosive Ornament: Seemingly-ordinary glass Christmas ornaments, carefully designed to burst into anti-personnel shrapnel when exposed to the sonic frequencies of caroling.

5. Thermite Stocking Stuffers: React poorly and immediately with coal put into the stockings of naughty children.

6. Magnetic Audiovisual Injector: A device which overwrites micro-sections of video cassette tape with subliminal and subversive anti-seasonal messages. Declined in usefulness with the end of popular use of VHS and suchlike formats, though many collectors have unwittingly been turned into Manchurian agents.

7. Archeo-Feline-Scented Santa Suit Rentals: A blend of pheromones collected from modern day felines with a chemical regression applied to make the blend match the smell of the primary predators of the ancestors of homo sapiens sapiens. Even brief exposure will cause an intense panic response in the limbic system. Application to Santa suit rentals quickly creates a negative Pavlovian response in children.

8. Oneiric-Medium Memetic Viruses: Implanted into children's unconsciousnesses at select facilities. The natural fading of the memory of dreams protects the children from the effects of the viruses, while anyone seeing them while they are sleeping will receive the full impact.

9. Rooftop Punji Stake Pit: If the fall & two-foot long stakes don't kill any large flying mammals landing on the roof, the mashed organic matter laced with Chronic Wasting Disease prions slathered on the stakes will. May require some attic renovation.

10. Propaganda Pamphlet Distribution Blimp: Treated for cold-weather operation. Strafe the North Pole dropping communist, anarchist, and Georgist propaganda translated into Elf. Unclear what economic system Santa's workshop operates under. All spies have been returned candied or encased in icebergs.

11. Evil Advent Calendar: Contains chocolates made with cocoa produced with the least-ethical methods possible. Believed to disrupt Santa's naughty-nice sense.

12. Spider-Silk Gift Ribbons: Sticky, impregnated with lethal dose of spider venom. Stiff microfibers lining the weave maximize odds of breaching skin and making blood-venom contact.