Pathfinder Bestiary 5 vs. D&D 3.5 Monster Manual V: A Tournament for the Ages

It's at five minutes to midnight, the last few drops of gas, when every step could be your last, that truly heroic acts make themselves know.

After four big books of monsters, the crews for Pathfinder & D&D - the heartbreaker & the heartbroken - must have both been scraping up dregs for the fifth.

Time for the showdown nobody's been waiting for. We're gonna see who's wrung the best of the things that go bump in the night out of their blood, sweat, and tears - Pathfinder Bestiary 5 vs. Monster Manual V:

Category 1: Covers

Winner: Monster Manual V - no contest. That's a tome that could exist as an in-game artifact, and be used to bludgeon someone's head in. The grim reaper, an alien, and a fish-man with cataracts can hang out all they want - they're never going to top that.

Category 2: Dragons & Dragonoids

D&D:

Monster Manual V has got "Xorvintaal dragons", who join a dragon chess club - except that the chess is played with people as pieces and the board is the world. They get telepathy and the ability to empower their chosen "exarchs". I like the word exarch, got a good sound to it.

It's also got Greenspawn Zealots, who are just dragonborn but evil I guess. Could've done without these guys.

Pathfinder:

Bestiary 5 has got: astral dragons, dream dragons, dragonkin, etheric dragons, nightmare dragons, occult dragons, amphipteres, cetuses, ether drakes, jungle drakes, khalas, peuchens, pyraustas, scitalises, shens, uraeuses, vishaps, water leapers, wyrmwraiths, and FUCKING ROPE DRAGONS. That makes for a very crowded idea-space.

I like that the cetuses (these guys):

Are mechanically bad omens for sailors. That should be more common - monsters that are dangerous for their ambience & symbolic meaning.

Winner: No one. Too many goddamn kinds of dragons. Why does everything have to be a distinct kind? Bestiaries should have more unique monsters instead of a bloating of kinds, each with their own particular situations & scenarios. A whole species of nightmare dragons doing evil dragon stuff in the land of dreams? Yawn. A single dragon heralded by people dreaming of a time when mammals were just tree-shrews in a world ruled by reptiles, waking up with nasty raptor-bites? That's starting to get somewhere.

Category 3: Cutie Patooties

Pathfinder:

Apallie

It's a slime that wants to be a person but its transformations revert in sunlight and then nobody wants to be its friend.

Fastachee

It's a nice little magic dude who makes crops grow better. You could have a situation where a village is dependent on a fastachee's help to not starve, but they've offended it somehow and it's hidden itself away, but beyond that I don't know how interesting these guys could be. Cute though.

Hobkin

It's a Hopkinsville Goblin. It tries to trick people into throwing their things at it so they break. There's a pokemon based on the Hopkinsville Goblin too I think.

Ovinnik

Could be the cutest of the whole bunch, but it's trying too hard with that fireball. You're not going to be cool ovinnik - stick with being cute. These guys live in granaries and grant good luck or bad luck depending on how they're treated. Soft-ass D&D social situations.

Kikimora

I can imagine the sound these guys make: "mehmehmehmehmeh". They make pocket dimensions in homes (would be neat to expand on) and make nuisances of themselves unless flattered. Sworn enemies of brownies - brownies sound lame. You need to find something in a run-down house, but the resident kikimora has hidden it under an illusion unless you solve its riddles/give it cookies. Imagine it stomping its feet and shaking its broom in tiny impotent rage.

Orang-Pendak

Good monkey :^).

Saxra

It'll cut you up with bones or something. Don't care, I'd still give it a hug.

D&D:

Taunting Haunt

Horrid little man. Ghosts who just want to play pranks & make fun of the targets of their spectral ire. Can only be defeating in a battle of wits - lamely abstracted in the book but could be made good.

Kuo-Toa

Kuo-toa don't need bulging bicep veins, they don't need to look physically threatening - let them be funny little fish-frogs. There's enough veiny bicep monsters, there's room for ridiculousness. Anything kuo-toa worship becomes a god is the lore I think. That's good, stick with that. Mad little dudes making mad little gods.

Winner: Pathfinder. Bestiary 5's got an avalanche of cutie patooties, but it'd take some work to make a few of them gameable.

Category B: Undead

Pathfinder:

Animate Hair

The non-wasteful necromancer uses every part of the corpse. These guys can make themselves into a wig and manipulate the mind of whoever wears them - first to vanity, then to prideful murder. Fun.

Bone Boat

It's a boat, crewed by the drowned dead and made of reanimated whale-bone. What's not to like?

Death Coach

Ghost-coach, steals souls. Folkloric.

Polong

Good art. You can really feel the torment. These things are like ultra-specific genies - spirits of murderers trapped in bottles, released only to kill, their murderous fixation can lead them to turn on the unwary summoner. Can imagine some good mysteries with a polong as the murder weapon.

D&D:

Deadborn Vulture

A big bird hatched by necromancers. Not undead to start with, but rises as a zombie once it dies. Not a bad gimmick. I like to imagine the necromancers sitting on a clutch of eggs to make them.

Bonespur

Big stack of murder-bones. Can apparently turn into a rhino-form too. I like big skeletons made of smaller skeletons.

Skull Lord

Unique set of monsters - twelve of them in the entire world, seeking artifacts to raise their master / their whole self? It's ambiguous, and that's appealing. Have three skulls, each with their own power - videogamey fun.

Winner: Almost a tie, with Pathfinder pulling ahead by a(n animate) hair.

Category X: Flora & Fungi

Pathfinder:

Zygomind

Giant psychic fungus that traps people nearby in a hallucinatory world indistinguishable from the real one, so it can eat them.

Psychepore

A plant/fungus symbiote that mistakenly and usually futilely attempts to infest people, causing them to experience bizarre symptoms and delusions as it integrates into their bodies. A plethora of mind-altering drugs can be harvested from it - it's likely the groups harvesting these drugs will be of more danger to you than the creature itself - secret police with truth serums and so on.

Griefgall

Parasitic, emotion-draining plant. Grows out of its hosts as tendrils and flower-crowns.

D&D:

Verdant Ravager

What happens to someone charmed by a dryad when their meat-body can't withstand living unsheltered in the wilderness anymore. Some decent body horror in its description. Art could be spookier.

Fetid Fungus

Your typical flesh-eating slime, except it's a fungus, and it smells really bad. Mediocre.

Vinespawn

Unexceptional, except in that it's yet another parasitic plant. Implants a vine down your throat then beats you into unconsciousness until its spawn's parasitized your body. Yuck!

Winner: Pathfinder by a wide margin. Why are there so many parasitic plant/fungal monsters though? Odd to me.

Here's a youtube channel I've been watching lately - it's a microbiologist or something of that sort analyzing parasites and viruses and so on in movies & other media and attempting to explain how they might work biologically: https://www.youtube.com/c/RoanokeGaming/videos

Category Y: Weirdoes & Spookums

Pathfinder:

Su

I guess this is Pathfinder's version of the su-monster? Those things on its back are its babies, and they're intelligent & psychic. The thing isn't and is quite upset about that. The image of those basically-humanoid babies growing into the shrinkwrapped wolf-things is a good one.

Yangethe

Nice alien anatomy. Doesn't have much else going for it.

Heikegani

Hell yeah samurai crab.

Annunaki

Chariots of the Gods-style shapeshifting, civilization-sculpting ancient aliens. Some of their abilities are based on high-tech devices you can steal from them - that's neat.

Sahkils

They're nightmare-monsters that feed on fear. The art for all these guys is great - maximalist Silent Hill-type stuff.

D&D:

Mockery Bug

Look at that picture. That's a great picture. Artist is "Daarken". These guys have a queen that eats people and poops out drones that look like those people, except very stupid, who goof about until they burst out as centipede-things with those people's faces.

Thoon Guys

Mind flayers, but even spookier. Also got great art. Wouldn't want to run into one of these guys.

Vivisector

They've got knives for fingers, and need to steal the organs of others to put inside themselves. Definitely spooky.

Shaedling

I hate these tornado-nipple bastards so goddamn much.

Winner: D&D, but seriously I hate shaedlings. Pathfinder has a lot of stuff that's too close to its source inspiration, if not ripped entirely like the Lovecraft stuff. This I do not like. Get a little crazy with it, I can adapt the King in Yellow or whatever on my own.

Category !: Elementals & Golems

Pathfinder:

Wood Colossus

Dope art. Art by Tomasz Chistowski. Big ol' houseman.

D&D:

Ruin Elemental

Winner: I want to wrap this post up, so it's down to just these too. Pathfinder wins on the strength of its art.

Category Z: Vapourblobs

Pathfinder:

Othaos

AAHH!! That cloud's gonna punch me!!

These guys have it out for "unnatural sources of light or darkness". Pretty lame.

Aerial Servant

Like a polong but lamer.

Caller in Darkness

Eats minds. Okay as far as vapourblobs go.

D&D:

Don't think this one's got any.

Winner: Nobody, I don't particularly like this sort of monster.

Category ?: Monster Women

Pathfinder:

Encantado

Oh no no no no no no no no no no no.

Shadow Collector

Looks like a dang Zelda.

Thriae

Bee-women. Do not think about the belly-holes.

D&D:

Arcadian Avenger

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion-ass swords.

Frostwind Virago

😳

Winner: D&D.

Special Category: Twinks

Pathfinder:

Choral Angel

Twink.

Water Veela

Twink.

Glaistig

Possible twink? - Consultants report hint of a breast - Boymoding?

D&D:

Nothing. Not a single one.

Winner: Pathfinder by a landslide.

Special Category: Silly Names

Pathfinder: Chuspiki, Exscinder, Tsaalgrend, Somalcygot, Rhu-Chalik

D&D: Draudnu, Garngrath, Guulvorg, Rylkar, Spirrax

Winner: D&D

Special Category: Pagecount

Pathfinder: 322

D&D: 226

Winner: D&D. Yeah, having fewer pages means you win this one. More pages = more monsters = more potential for good monsters. Gotta balance it out somehow.

The Verdict:

D&D Wins: IIII

Pathfinder Wins: IIII

Ultimate Winner: What's this..? It's a tie?!

That's crazy. That's almost unbelievable. I was sure Pathfinder was going to win - maybe they would if there had been more categories.

What have we learned? Maybe that art can make a monster concept. Maybe that it's not enough to just have a monster be threatening, it has to be distinct and have hooks & mechanics that distinguish it from the undifferentiated mob of shovelware monsters. Draw your own conclusions.

Bonus: Look at this Artorius from Dark Souls-looking ass:

D20x5 Boisterous Bandits

Click the button below for your very own bandit:

Generator generator here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D20	This bandit has
1	a browned and rotting grin.
2	a scarred, mottled face.
3	an intense, unwavering stare.
4	plump and rosy cheeks.
5	protruding nose and ear hairs.
6	elegantly coiffed hair.
7	front teeth chipped down to their roots.
8	chapped, scabby lips.
9	long, well cared-for nails.
10	a scraggly goatee.
11	the dangling skin of someone who lost a lot of weight very quickly.
12	terrible acne.
13	a Glasgow smile carved into their face.
14	nautically-themed sleeve tattoos.
15	an eye gone milky from a cataract.
16	a bad case of dandruff.
17	a corner of their ear torn off.
18	a protruding beer belly.
19	a tongue that’s been split like a snake’s.
20	the same finger missing on both hands.

D20	This bandit wears
1	a boiled leather cuirass.
2	the tattered uniform of a tax collector.
3	a hat made from fox tails.
4	puffy silk trousers.
5	a belt made of bent silver cutlery.
6	signet rings from three different minor noble families.
7	dog skulls as pauldrons.
8	a bandolier stocked with liquor flasks.
9	a helmet studded with nubby goat horns.
10	a hangman’s noose around their neck.
11	a garter made from dried guts.
12	clothing stitched with leafy branches as camouflage.
13	a buff coat with riding boots.
14	a tapestry of hunting scenes as a shawl.
15	a burlap scarf.
16	a jacket with copper coins sewn onto it.
17	a mendicant’s bowl strapped around their head as a cap.
18	a stained velvet cape.
19	a taxidermied sparrow on their shoulder.
20	a jester’s patchy and colourful outfit.

D20	This bandit wields
1	a scab-crusted truncheon.
2	a pair of rusty pistols. They’ll explode on the roll of a 1, and take 1d4 fingers with them when they do.
3	a chipped dagger.
4	a dented mace.
5	a stolen sabre.
6	a bent spear.
7	a lumberjack’s axe.
8	a fisherman’s harpoon.
9	a war-scythe.
10	a sledgehammer.
11	one half of a pair of shears as a shank.
12	a hefty, mossy log.
13	a pitchfork.
14	a stiletto rubbed with soot to dull its gleam.
15	a rock on the end of a rope and a sickle.
16	a bow and arrows.
17	a mattock.
18	a splintery crossbow.
19	a notched machete.
20	a miner’s pick.

D20	This bandit turned to banditry
1	because they were next-in-line to inherit an estate and the first heir wanted them eliminated.
2	because they chafed under the limits of law.
3	because their harvest failed one year and stealing seemed more appealing than starving.
4	to escape an arranged marriage to a manipulative brute.
5	because a lung infection prevents them from doing honest, arduous labour.
6	because the commons they depended upon were enclosed.
7	at a very young age, after being abandoned in the woods.
8	after a friend showed off all the ill-gotten gains they’d acquired doing the same.
9	because their village was crushed in quelling a peasant rebellion.
10	after being framed for a crime that carried the death penalty.
11	because they became addicted to a drug and became unable to pay for it any other way.
12	because they romanticized the lifestyle after hearing too many stories about folkloric bandits.
13	because even after they came back from war they were unable to turn away from the path of violence.
14	because they grew old without any children to take care of them.
15	because they’re paranoid that living in society will expose them to plague.
16	to track down and kill the bandit chief who murdered their parents.
17	because their family was hated and shunned for an ancestor’s sin.
18	after getting shut out from legitimate practice of their profession by a protectionist guild.
19	because their only real talents are in criminal pursuits.
20	out of a sadistic impulse to prey on their fellow man.

D20	This bandit specializes in
1	protection rackets.
2	smuggling illegal substances.
3	horse theft.
4	highway robbery.
5	arson and insurance fraud.
6	breaking and entering.
7	bribery and graft.
8	infiltrating the guards of merchant caravans.
9	poaching.
10	playing the bait for ambushes.
11	losing pursuers.
12	making deaths look like accidents.
13	recruiting unscrupulous sorts.
14	wrecking carts, wagons, and carriages.
15	intimidation and corruption.
16	grand larceny.
17	inspiring panic and confusion.
18	planning heists.
19	creating distractions for others to commit dirty deeds.
20	contract assassination.

The Odd Job Mash-Up Generator

Here's a generator that makes odd jobs for fantasy worlds by taking normal medieval jobs and mashing their titles together, making some unconventional combos. Press the button below to roll up an odd job automatically, or scroll down for the tables to roll on yourself:

The generator for the generator can be found here: http://paperelemental.blogspot.com/p/list-to-html-generator.html

Rollable Tables:

D50	First Job Title	Second Job Title
1	Gem	Cutter
2	Chalk	Cutter
3	Stone	Mason
4	Camp	Follower
5	Charcoal	Burner
6	Natural	Philosopher
7	Glass	Blower
8	Grave	Digger
9	Wet	Nurse
10	Tax	Collector
11	Leather	Worker
12	Wood	Worker
13	Wax	Worker
14	Gourd	Farmer
15	Rice	Farmer
16	Apple	Farmer
17	Gong	Farmer
18	Tuber	Farmer
19	Iron	Smith
20	Silver	Smith
21	Gold	Smith
22	Weapon	Smith
23	Armour	Smith
24	Lock	Smith
25	Eel	Fisher
26	Crab	Fisher
27	Octopus	Fisher
28	Deer	Hunter
29	Duck	Hunter
30	Boar	Hunter
31	Wine	Brewer
32	Beer	Brewer
33	Coffee	Brewer
34	Horse	Trainer
35	Dog	Trainer
36	Falcon	Trainer
37	Cheese	Maker
38	Shoe	Maker
39	Barrel	Maker
40	Broom	Maker
41	Soap	Maker
42	Candle	Maker
43	Sheep	Herder
44	Cattle	Herder
45	Goat	Herder
46	Swine	Herder
47	Ark	Wright
48	Cart	Wright
49	Ship	Wright
50	Pearl	Diver

Tables for the Automated Generator:

[oddjob1] [oddjob2]

{oddjob1}
Gem
Chalk
Stone
Camp
Natural
Charcoal
Glass
Grave
Wet
Tax
Leather
Wax
Wood
Gourd
Rice
Apple
Gong
Tuber
Iron
Silver
Gold
Weapon
Armour
Lock
Eel
Octopus
Crab
Sheep
Cattle
Goat
Swine
Horse
Dog
Falcon
Shoe
Candle
Barrel
Cheese
Broom
Soap
Wine
Beer
Coffee
Deer
Duck
Boar
Ark
Cart
Ship
Pearl

{oddjob2}
Cutter
Mason
Follower
Philosopher
Burner
Blower
Digger
Nurse
Collector
Worker
Farmer
Fisher
Smith
Herder
Trainer
Maker
Brewer
Hunter
Wright
Diver

The Hunter's Rosary

Many are the monsters that lurk in darkness, and many are those who rise against their predation. Yet the night-winds are swift to snuff fledgling flames, and few are left when the sun rises to continue the fight. Fewer still are left who have the ability or the inclination to train the next generation.

Human ingenuity takes the lead where human frailty leaves us lacking. The hunter's rosary is a simple invention, a mnemonic device meant to educate when a proper tutor or literacy and books can't be found. It's a string of beads, with each bead representing a sort of monster and their weaknesses - for quick reference in the fetid lairs of the enemy. The following are the most common beads found on a hunter's rosary:

• An iron bell. For the fey folk of the otherworld, who come from mist-banks and mushroom-rings to hunt men like deer and steal babies away to their grey and timeless halls. Iron and human order are their antithesis. Crossing under a doorway where an iron horseshoe is hung will make them break out in blisters. The sound of church bells repels them. They cannot set foot on sacred ground.
  
• A lump of charred greenwood. For beasts of bursting life, for trolls and treants and all their like, fire, or the acids of industry, are the best proof against them.
  
• A pebble, taken from the road and stained with blood. For the immortals that can be slain by no means, immurement is a solution that can last centuries.
• A silver ovoid, narrowed to a point. The unquiet dead and other beasts roused by the moon can be returned to sleep by its metal. In a pinch, a stake through their joints can arrest them by brute biomechanics.
  
• A rounded chunk of salt. Intangible ghosts, spirits, and demons can move through walls and flesh as permeable membranes, but a line of salt is as solid as stone to them. This bead can be used as a bullet if desperately necessary.
• A ball of pitted copper. For creatures of the upper air and the void beyond. Like lightning storms, it's best to take shelter, divert their energies, or try not to be in their path.
  
• A steel, sharp-edged geodesic. Monsters live in the hearts of men as well. This bead is hard to handle without getting cut. Some prefer to replace it with a child's milk tooth - a reminder: we all begin the same, we can all be ended the same.

It's become a popular fashion for hunters to thread coded messages into their rosaries, should the worst happen to them (rather, the second worst - death is preferable to becoming a monster oneself). A red bead next to another means an exceptionally powerful example of the monster's kind had been found. Two beads with a blue bead between them means two kinds of monsters were cooperating. Several coloured beads in sequence can spell a message or initials with the first letter of each colour's name - perhaps the hunter's hometown, for their body to be returned to. There are many more variations of these coded messages, but the lack of a common standard makes interpreting them difficult for those not familiar with the hunter who made them.

Salt beads for the Waste Wyrm
Soapstone for the slime
Leaden for cavorting freaks
who burn the edge of Time.
"Fine," says the hunter, kneeling in her hall,
"but gold beads mark the Tyrant, who is
master of men all."
-Phlox, friend of the blog & poet, based on Rudyard Kipling's "Cold Iron"

D10 More Black Books

As this: http://rememberdismove.blogspot.com/2022/06/black-books.html

Black Books was a funny show - one of those few examples of British humour that translates well to other climes.

1. Silico-Electric Disruption of the Terran Environment and Noosphere: Originally meant to be a textbook, but hackily edited into a novel in the 1960s after no educational publisher accepted it as such. The book contains extended exposition (most of its wordcount, really) on the theory that desertification is not a natural or man-made phenomenon, but rather due to the influence of extraterrestrials using "broadcast plasmic braids" to convert the surface of the Earth into a massive computer, wherein every grain of sand would be a computer chip. It ends on a cliffhanger, with the lantern-jawed science-hero protagonist racing to detonate a volcano, as releasing enough sulphur into the atmosphere would supposedly disrupt the extraterrestrials' plasmic braids, and potentially awaken their ancient rivals in torpor within the mantle.

2. A Response to Breitbart.com On The Subject of Theodor Adorno's Music: An amateur scientific paper addressed to the right-wing news website Breitbart, seeking to correct their claim that Theodor Adorno sought to induce necrophilia and other mental illnesses with atonal music. The paper presents extensive documentation of the authour's experiments to demonstrate that Theodor Adorno's music is one of the least effective methods to audially rewire the human mind, being ahead of only American rapper Pop Smoke's in their trials. The most effective music the authour found for this purpose was in fact derived from Swedish kulning, and various newspaper clippings of horrific crimes are presented in the paper as evidence, with the authour claiming to have exposed their perpetrator to this music beforehand. The eccentricity of the paper, and the ways in which they misuse and mix up mathematical and musical notation leads most of the very few people aware of the paper to dismiss it as a hoax.

3. A Tale of An Isle Not Present on Any Maps: A 19th-century novel in the "stranded children" genre. It contains the autobiographical account of its authour, who while on a retreat with a Muscular Christian youth group became shipwrecked on an undiscovered island in the North Atlantic. On the island they encounter bizarre wildlife referred to only vaguely by names such as "stalking-coral" and "the three-pronged heron", and survive only by taking shelter in ruins and sacrificing the boys from less prestigious families to predators. Finally, after the rest of the group has been sacrificed or disappeared, the authour stumbles into the deepest parts of the island's ruins, and miraculously ends up coming out in an old Norman slave market buried beneath London.

4. Kurotetsu Maou Iuliusu: The manuscript of a manga mailed by an anonymous authour to Osamu Tezuka some time between June and September of 1955. Tezuka regarded it as amusing, but too dark for his tastes. Kurotetsu Maou Iuliusu is a thick, loose-leaf volume that follows the titular emperor of a parallel universe Roman empire that never fell invading a world very much like our own in non-chronological order, with each cluster of chapters documenting a particular invasion point and its rippling effects through history. Reading the manga in full can indoctrinate the reader, causing them to sincerely believe that the plot of Kurotetsu reflects reality, and that they belong to a millennia-old conspiracy to install the old patrician families of Rome to global power via eugenics and fomenting anarchy.

5. Confessions of a Haight-Ashbury Druglord: Transcript of a podcast interviewing a man who claims to have been one of the biggest suppliers of psychedelic drugs in San Francisco during the height of the hippie movement. The man says that the cops allowed him to continue dealing so long as he mixed some substances they provided him into his supply, and that his customers that bought the tainted stuff often lost their minds or went comatose. The transcript gets confusing and rambly a bit past the midway point, when the man admits to having tried the tainted drugs once, and experienced a trip that took him to "the court in the fault" where "lost souls moved in a grinding dance". The audio version of the podcast is corrupted almost instantly if exposed to any internet connection, and often times even when there should be no internet connection.

6. The Boy Whose Brain Went Far Away: A children's book written by a holistic healer wanted in Oregon for crimes related to performing chiropractics on babies. The book purports to be able to treat ADHD in children better than medication or therapy. The book is about a boy who shakes a stranger's ("whose eyes he couldn't see") hand, and has his brain taken by that stranger through his palm. The boy must go to the bottom of the ocean, the deepest desert, and a distant star to get it back. Children who read or are regularly read the book exhibit increased attention spans, decreased anxiety, savant-like mathematical ability, a propensity for imaginary friends beyond the age where this would be developmentally appropriate, occasionally remembering the memories of other children exposed to the book as though they were their own, and rapid degeneration of the neural tissue after puberty that will render them comatose before the age of 25. The book saw limited distribution, typically to granola-and-crystal shops rather than big bookstores, and was pulled from shelves on the excuse that it contained lead-based paints.

7. The Empire Beyond the Empire, The War Beyond the Stars: An epic-length Star Wars fanfiction serial written from 2005 to 2020. The fanfiction's plot meandered for almost a decade, being schlocky, repetitive action and soap operatic drama, but hits its stride when the authour starts speaking to the characters and the audience directly, claiming that the Force had managed to cross the barrier of fiction into reality, taken over the minds of many fans, Disney executives, and Angela Merkel, among others, and sought to totally control the destiny of the human race. Letters are included addressed to Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and other actors in Star Wars media, begging them to be "subsumed" to allow their characters to also enter reality and combat the Force. The fanfiction ended abruptly after the authour was doxxed by angry fans, and the authour was found several weeks later choked to death with a Baby Yoda doll.

8. The Printed God Letters: Compiled letters of complaints made by the owner of a printing shop in Triers in the early 16th century. Through the letters the owner becomes increasingly frustrated with the output of their moveable type printing press, first with the occasional typo or misprint, and then with entire sentences being printed that shouldn't have been physically possible given the positioning of keys. The occult interest in the letters comes from these sentences, which are reported incredulously and in sparse detail. What can be derived from these sentences with the benefit of modern knowledge is that the sentences form a coherent whole, claiming to be written by God, and contain instructions for the manufacture of printing machines, as well as mechanical algorithmic computers for the automation of printing and writing. By the end of the letters, the owner has convinced himself that the whole thing is a Jewish trick to get him to buy a replacement press.

9. The Incoherence of the Pornographers: A breathless treatise from the 1980s combining philosophy, archeology, and tabloid cultural criticism to argue that human sexual characteristics and libido aren't natural to our species, but rather bred into a domesticated slave-race for the performative amusement of the asexual and sporulating elites of a civilization that ruled the Sahara back when it was still green.

10. Astrology Overruled: A polemic written by a Second Great Awakening preacher who claimed that all prior astrological works, particularly those of Nostradamus, were fatally flawed because they failed to account for the second moon which was hidden beyond the dark side of the first. The preacher's evidence for this second moon is an account of an encounter with a "seven-winged angel" in dreams, and telescopic observation of the visible moon with anachronistically sophisticated analysis of its gravitational wobble. Contemporary Chinese sources corroborate the gravitational wobble, yet modern measurements don't present it - whatever mass was behind the moon over a century ago is no longer there.