Saturday, October 10, 2020

D50 Shitty Potions from Hack Alchemists

 Because sometimes making the best of a bad thing is more fun than just getting a good thing.

Table randomator here:

D50Shitty Potions
1Performance Enhancer(?): Makes your crotch hard, regardless of what you’ve got down there. Also very brittle. Avoid bumping it into things at all costs.
2Lifeswell: Grants 1d8 temporary hitpoints which can go above your normal limit. They fade at a rate of 1/day if not otherwise lost. They also make you fat. Each hitpoint gained occupies one encumbrance slot with its adiposal mass.
3Gutliner: Coats your innards with an impermeable membrane. Makes you immune to ingested poisons. And potions. And food. Last 1d4 days before being excreted in sticky sheets.
4Weaponized Emetic: Grants a one-use ability to vomit a torrent of acid for 2d6 damage, with additional 1d6 damage each turn it isn’t scraped or washed off. Awful for your breath and teeth.
5Liquid Courage: Automatically pass all morale rolls, become immune to fear, but become unable to communicate except through inarticulate yelling and must attack something or move towards attacking something each round or you compulsively attack yourself. Lasts 2d6 rounds.
6Dreamless Sleep: Removes your ability to dream. Permanently. Makes you immune to anything that would affect your dreams.
7Glowgoop: Makes anything it’s spilled on glow. Makes you glow if you drink it. Not enough to see by beyond a foot or so. Comes in several neon colour varieties.
8Mandiblizer: Makes anything it’s poured on grow a mouth, which then drinks the potion. The mouth grows a gullet up to a foot deep into the surface it grew on, to what available space allows. The mouth and its gullet last an hour before shrinking out of existence. Anything in the gullet when it disappears will be barfed out.
9Amnesium: While the potion is being digested you become unable to form new memories. Takes 1d4 hours to be digested.
10Metabolic Accelerator: Run as fast as a sprinting cheetah for 1d6 rounds, then immediately after eat a ration or take 1 point of damage for every round it lasted.
11Digestive Aid: For 1d6 days you can consume any organic material you can keep down as a ration. The taste remains unchanged.
12Essence of Rapunzel: Whatever hair you have on your head immediately lengthens by 2d20 feet (exploding).
13Mix-Up Mixer: When mixed into or consumed at the same time as another potion, causes it to (1d6): 1, gain another random potion effect; 2, multiply its duration, effect, area, etc., as appropriate, by two; 3, invert its effect; 4, affect everyone nearby as well; 5, reduce any effect to the minimum possible; 6, become a hostile slime.
14Skyswimmer: For 1d6 rounds air takes on the consistency of water for you. Moving is slower and clumsier, you can swim-fly, and breathing is impossible.
15Diskarmic Reincarnation: if you die within the next hour, crawl out from your own mouth as (1d6): 1, an ape; 2, a monkey; 3, a dog; 4, a lizard; 5, a beetle; 6, a worm.
16Stickabod: Your flesh becomes adhesive for 1d6 ten-minute turns. Anything that touches you gets stuck to you, strength check to pull away.
17Vorpal Vial: Your head detaches from your neck for an hour. You can still move your body while it’s separated. If your head and your body are together when the potion’s duration runs out, they mend back seamlessly. If they’re separate, you begin bleeding out and lose control of your body. If your head’s on a decapitated (but still living) body when the duration ruins out, it’ll merge with that one instead, and vice-versa.
18Clowning Concoction: Your bodily tissues swell with fluid and discolour until you resemble a clown. Lasts 1d6 hours.
19Thunderous Flatulence: Induces loud and frequent farting for 1d6 days.
20Drinknap: Teleports you to the place the potion was brewed.
21Radioactive Waste: You instantly develop 1d4 mutations.
22Partial Enlargement: Makes your (1d4): 1, head; 2, arms; 3, legs; 4, torso, much larger for 2d6 rounds.
23Drop Drip: Become intangible, but still affected by gravity, for one round. Drop straight down. If you re-tangify in solid matter, pop out in the nearest unoccupied space and take 1d6 damage for every 10 feet you’d have to move to get there.
24Lightning Rod: Any sort of electrical discharge nearby is attracted unerringly to you for 1d6 hours. Also works if poured on something.
25Personal Preservative: For 1d6 hours after taking it, you can’t die from hp loss unless your body is dismembered, dissolved, or otherwise destroyed. You can still be hurt and incapacitated, but you probably won’t die from it.
26Cleanliness: You can’t get dirty or smell bad for 1d6 days.
27Obsession: Become obsessed with possessing the first thing you see after drinking this potion.
28Minivision: For 1d6 ten-minute turns any object, structure, or creature larger than your fist becomes invisible to you. You can see through things that became invisible to you as if light passed through them.
29Damage Delay: Take no damage for 1d6 rounds. After the potion wears off take all damage you would have taken while it was active.
30Bloodtie: For 1d6 hours, everyone who’s taken a drink from this potion splits the damage they take evenly between them.
31Ragdoll: For 1d6 rounds take no damage from impacts but go completely limp.
32Foul Flavour: For 1d6 hours no creature with a sense of taste can bear to bite, swallow, or track you by scent. You can taste yourself though, and you are awful. Suffer constant nausea until it wears off.
33Panaceal Purge: If you’re suffering from a curse or disease, you’re immediately cured of it. However, you cough up the affliction as an independent monster that goes off to cause suffering in the world.
34Swansong: For 1d6 rounds, deal the maximum possible damage on all attacks (e.g. 6 on a d6) and take the minimum possible damage from all attacks (e.g. 1 per d6). After this time, drop to 0 hitpoints and fall unconscious.
35Flash Sweat: For 1d6 ten-minute turns, take half damage from fire and twice as much damage from cold.
36Skin of the Pangolin: Gain natural armour as chain for 1d6 ten-minute turns as scales grow across your body, but any clothes or armour you’re wearing at the time are shredded.
37Anti-Acid: Acid that burns up acid. Mutually dissolves a 5x5x5 pool of acid, or deals 2d6 damage if spilled on an acidic creature (e.g. green slime).
38Throatblock: Drinker immediately begins suffocating. Piercing the solid plug the potion forms, or the windpipe below the plug, allows breathing as normal. Offers perfect protection against inhaled poisons.
39Deathmarch: Drinker can move 50% faster over long distances (e.g. not on ordinary encounter scale) and doesn’t suffer from exhaustion. However, each day the potion is in effect, save vs. poison. On a successful save, take 1d6 damage and vomit the potion out. On a failure, take 1d6 damage and it continues to affect you. Animals that can’t vomit (like horses) automatically fail.
40Witch’s Trick: For a day after drinking, if the drinker is damaged by fire, they’re immediately immolated into a cloud of smoke. 1d6 rounds later they reform. While in smoke form they behave as normal smoke. If conditions like heavy winds cause their smoke to break up before they reform, they take 1d6 damage when they do.
41Changeling’s Bluff: If the drinker is under the effect of illusions, shapeshifting, or something similar when they drink this potion, they must save vs. poison or dissolve messily.
42Songster Serum: Drinker sings beautifully for 1d6 ten-minute turns. Drinker cannot stop singing for same period of time.
43Backwards Bottle: Drinker shrinks down and becomes trapped in potion bottle, breaking the bottle causes them to return to normal size.
44Peekaboo: Makes drinker invisible to anything they can’t see for 2d6 rounds. Regardless of duration rolled, drinker believes it lasts for full 12 rounds unless traumatically proven otherwise.
45Spherication: Turns drinker into a six-foot diameter sphere with armour as plate. Drinker can only roll slowly under their own power. Lasts 1d6 ten-minute turns.
46Intoxicating Aura: Drinker exudes dense alcoholic vapours from their pores. For 1d6 rounds, everyone within 10 feet has their successes become failures and their failures become critical failures.
47Canned Cadmus: One of the drinker’s teeth transforms into an armed and armoured warrior who follows their orders without question for 2d6 rounds before crumbling to white dust.
48Semantic Scrambler: Become immune to mind-altering effects for 1d6 ten-minute turns, but lose the ability to comprehend languages for same length of time.
49Liquid Bow: Each round it’s uncorked, it fires an arrow as a light bow in the direction of its opening. Any found liquid bow has 1d6 doses remaining.
50Infantilization: Drinker is transformed into a baby for 2d6 ten-minute turns. Anyone who sees them as a baby must save vs. magic or be compelled to protect and care for the drinker as their own child for the remaining duration.

1 comment:

  1. Mandibilizer gave me such a visceral impression, I love it!