Ultraman to Dungeons & Dragons to Ultraman Lifecycle

Perhaps, as a reader of a D&D blog, you are already familiar with the theory that some of the plastic toys that Gary Gygax was inspired to make D&D monsters off of were bootleg toys of Ultraman monsters - bulettes being based on a toy of Gabora, for example.

You may be less familiar with the theory that there was an Ultraman monster inspired by a D&D monster - probably because I just made it up.

However I am not making this up in the same sense as the mentally-unwell lady who once told me that I had been disassembled by lasers which also removed my memory of that experience - without prompting, without evidence - but in the sense of revelation given to one of God's holy fools who sees the connection between A and E and leaves the busywork of B, C, and D to others.

To cut to the chase, I think the Ultraman monster Mother Deents was inspired by aboleths.

Evidence A:

Evidence A-2 - refer to eye colour

Evidence E:

Evidence E-2 - Higher definition image, Mother Deents getting throat-chopped by Ultraman

Aboleths were invented for I1 Dwellers of the Forbidden City published in 1983, and the Ultraman episode featuring Mother Deents airing in 1998. I'm not going to do any real research, but apparently Fighting Fantasy books were big in Japan in the mid '80s, so it's not beyond possibility that a costume designer for Ultraman saw an illustration of an aboleth.

All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

D12 Weapons in the War on Christmas

Joyless atheists, christians who seek to excise syncretic contamination, jews who are tired of getting chinese food every year around that time - war can make strange allies, and perhaps none stranger than the War on Christmas. These are the arms they wield against that holly jolly holiday:

1. Aerosolized Herpes Simplex Virus: Rigged to proximity dispensers placed by mistletoe arrangements.

2. Soy Milk: Mixed with 11 secret additives to make it indistinguishable in flavour and texture from full-fat cow's milk, yet retaining all phytoestrogenic properties to weaken Santa's masculine hyperborean vril.

3. Extra-Cancerous Firelog: Nobody is slipping down a chimney lined with creosote from these logs without picking up a few tumours.

4. Resonant-Explosive Ornament: Seemingly-ordinary glass Christmas ornaments, carefully designed to burst into anti-personnel shrapnel when exposed to the sonic frequencies of caroling.

5. Thermite Stocking Stuffers: React poorly and immediately with coal put into the stockings of naughty children.

6. Magnetic Audiovisual Injector: A device which overwrites micro-sections of video cassette tape with subliminal and subversive anti-seasonal messages. Declined in usefulness with the end of popular use of VHS and suchlike formats, though many collectors have unwittingly been turned into Manchurian agents.

7. Archeo-Feline-Scented Santa Suit Rentals: A blend of pheromones collected from modern day felines with a chemical regression applied to make the blend match the smell of the primary predators of the ancestors of homo sapiens sapiens. Even brief exposure will cause an intense panic response in the limbic system. Application to Santa suit rentals quickly creates a negative Pavlovian response in children.

8. Oneiric-Medium Memetic Viruses: Implanted into children's unconsciousnesses at select facilities. The natural fading of the memory of dreams protects the children from the effects of the viruses, while anyone seeing them while they are sleeping will receive the full impact.

9. Rooftop Punji Stake Pit: If the fall & two-foot long stakes don't kill any large flying mammals landing on the roof, the mashed organic matter laced with Chronic Wasting Disease prions slathered on the stakes will. May require some attic renovation.

10. Propaganda Pamphlet Distribution Blimp: Treated for cold-weather operation. Strafe the North Pole dropping communist, anarchist, and Georgist propaganda translated into Elf. Unclear what economic system Santa's workshop operates under. All spies have been returned candied or encased in icebergs.

11. Evil Advent Calendar: Contains chocolates made with cocoa produced with the least-ethical methods possible. Believed to disrupt Santa's naughty-nice sense.

12. Spider-Silk Gift Ribbons: Sticky, impregnated with lethal dose of spider venom. Stiff microfibers lining the weave maximize odds of breaching skin and making blood-venom contact.

D6x6 Crooked Crawling Claws

Click the button below to generate your very own crawling claw:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D6	This crawling claw has
1	had the flesh between its metacarpals severed, with extra fingers grafted into the gaps.
2	an exceptional size, because it is the hand of a giant.
3	several arms and elbows stitched to the stump of it wrist like a prehensile "tail".
4	no flesh, only cracked bones and dripping webs of ectoplasm between them.
5	finger- and palm-prints that have deepened and keratinized into hard and unsettling whorls.
6	thick black nails and matted fur, because it is a gorilla's hand.

D6	Beware! For this crawling claw
1	can hijack one of your hands with its antipathy!
2	is rife with disease, and the slightest scratch could infect you!
3	will explode like a hand-grenade when destroyed!
4	can climb any surface, like a gecko!
5	can feel out the shape of your footprints and track you over many miles!
6	can fire the joints of its index finger like bullets!

D6	This crawling claw was created
1	to be a fancy back-scratcher, but it scratches too much and won't stop til it's scratched all the way through your back.
2	as a spy, to hide in small spaces, listen in through its fingertips, then later write down what it's heard.
3	by a negative energy bomb that caused most of the bodies affected by it to rot away, with the energy concentrating in and reanimating a singular part of those bodies - besides crawling claws, hopping feet, rolling heads, slithering intestines, flapping skins, and suchlike were created.
4	to fight in tandem with another undead, tripping enemies up from their blind spots to create openings for its partner.
5	when someone suffering from alien hand syndrome hacked off their rebellious paw.
6	as a dextrous labourer with the capacity to defend the products of its labour.

D6	This crawling claw moves
1	like an unusually-coordinated flopping fish, slapping and wriggling about.
2	like a freshly-severed limb twitching with the last of its nerve impulses.
3	with arachnid speed and precision.
4	fluidly, joints bending in ways that would be agonizing for the living.
5	like a starfish, fingers splayed and swaying.
6	by curling up into a fist and rolling about.

D6	Without eyes, this crawling claw primarily detects the living
1	based on their body heat - coals or recently-worn clothes can fool it.
2	by the sound of their breathing, and those breathing raggedly will be targeted before those breathing calmly.
3	by the radiance of their life-force - it can perceive those close to death only dimly.
4	by the vibrations of their heartbeats - if you keep off the ground it'll have a tough time picking up yours.
5	by the scent of their blood, which it sniffs out with new pores that go right down to its marrow.
6	through something like radio, extending its fingers into the air to act as antennae.

D6	When left idle, this crawling claw will
1	tap out half of a song as if before a piano.
2	curl up stiff and rattle like a dead bug in a breeze.
3	scratch at nearby furniture like a cat.
4	trace out the letters I L O V E Y O U over and over again.
5	balance atop a single finger and slowly spin.
6	cycle through various profane mudras and vulgar gestures.

Twelve More Module Ideas

Like so: https://monstersandmanuals.blogspot.com/2024/12/twelve-module-ideas.html

1. Chaos in the Quarantined Quarter: Their wealth did not buy them an escape from the seal placed to keep the rats and their plague in - it remains within with them, while the rats have become clever and cruel and the plague makes people strange.

2. Talons of the Colossus: A great bronze statue, humanoid yet inhuman, and hollow within - two warring cults reside in each leg, and even they fear to dare the mechanisms higher in the body.

3. Voyage of the Undying: The ship returned from the land beyond the sunrise overgrown by a silver tree - from its blossoms comes a curse of wretched immortality.

4. Rift to the God's Sepulcher: An earthquake has devastated the region, and opened a rift to a cave network where a primeval god and its children were once worshiped - rife in sacrifices, and stalked by the degenerate thing the god has become.

5. The Monastery of Miscarried Malice: The monks of a rich and learnéd monastery succeeded in a ritual to split their sins from their souls - now monstrously embodied, their sins run amok.

6. The Palace Past the Blazing Caul: A wildfire whips across the land, but through its heat-shimmer a marvelous palace can be glimpsed - some who have leapt through the flames have returned burned and burdened with treasures.

7. Legacy of the Lighthouse-Keeper: The lighthouse-keeper left behind a journal, and nothing else - throw a fistful of the herbs which grow atop the beach-dunes onto the beacon-fire, it says, and a path will appear out to a shining castle in the surf, full of wonders.

8. Festival of the Fantastical Fungi: For one week every hundred years the greatshrooms erupt from the bowels of the earth to cloud the skies with their spores - their inner chambers hold myconid menaces and precious effluvia.

9. Beneath the Old Silk Market: The old silk market was opened in the morning for business to find the flagstones flipped over to reveal tunnels beneath them, splatters of blood and threads of sticky silk leading below.

10. Lake of the Mutagenic Meteor: The meteor created a lake in its impact crater overnight - its glow has mutated the lake-life, and the first round of miners sent for its anomalous ores refuse violently to return.

11. It's Free Masonry: A flood has swept the earth away from the base of a stela crafted by an ancient and advanced civilization, revealing it to be only the tip of a much larger buried complex.

12. The City That's Always Today: The city was legendary in its day, now merely infamous - it repeats the same day, every day, always ending in its doom of black rain - seek its riches, but do not become enmeshed in its patterns or you too will become stuck in its cycle.

D6x6 Debilitating Dracoliches

Click the button below to get your dracolich:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D6	This dracolich is
1	plastered with red river-clay and crumbling brick-stuff as facsimile-flesh, with twin obscenely-large gemstones for eyes.
2	composed of the contorted bodies of a hundred grey and hairless people - possessed and transformed by consuming the dracolich's self-cremated remains.
3	draped in its own leathered hide, its bones scrimshawed by its own claws in maddening micro-detail.
4	entombed within a floating black egg of rune-carved stone.
5	flayed, perpetually red, wet, and raw, great verdigrised nails driven into its joints and key meridians.
6	mummified, its torso stuffed with fragrant spices and powdered petrified wood, every one of its dry and cracked scales inscribed with a poem.

D6	This dracolich sought lichdom
1	to outlive their rival and continue to exist so as to torment their rival's descendants into eternity.
2	because in life they were an avid breeder of humans, yet even their natural lifespan proved too short to breed humans into their highest vision.
3	becaused they were cursed with a destined death - they passed through that death, and cheated it with undeath.
4	because it foresaw the end of heavens and hells and souls and the rest of the extant cosmos entire, and wished to escape that extinction.
5	because they were born in a hothouse era of their world, while climate conditions changed in their lifetime to make the world colder and drier - they long to see again the lush beauty of their youth.
6	because their ambitions will eventually lead them to the stars, and interstellar travel is far easier when one doesn't need life-support.

D6	This dracolich is known to living dragons
1	as a bogeyman they were told stories of as hatchlings.
2	as a capricious sage who can dispense knowledge from ages far older than they are, for a steep price.
3	only by inscriptions in the oldest of ancestral dens.
4	as an abomination which they are religiously-commanded to exterminate.
5	as a vicious paragon of their kind, intolerant of peers yet a bulwark against the burgeoning mammals.
6	as a name they can call for a favour, so long as they are willing to give their own life in the bargain.

D6	This dracolich's breath weapon is
1	is a torrent of diseased and lumpy putrescence.
2	is a billowing cloud of burning-cold ash.
3	is a fog of flesh-rotting undead bacteria.
4	is a flood of ectoplasm that provides an ideal medium for ambient ghosts to manifest physically, and to possess those coated by the ectoplasm.
5	opens crackling rifts to the plane of negative energy, irradiating surroundings with anti-life.
6	is a burst of boiling blood and bone-shard shrapnel.

D6	This dracolich's lair
1	is within the craters and tunnels of a meteor circling the planet, brushing just close enough for the dracolich to breach the atmospheric gap at its closest approach.
2	is a half-buried ziggurat out in the desert - once the temple of a god that opposed the dracolich, they have taken some joy in turning it into a monument to their own self-glorification.
3	is an entire continental pocket of the hollow earth, underdark, veins of the earth, etc., claimed as their sole & sovereign territory.
4	is the lava-tunnels & aquifer-caldera of a super-volcano, which is also their phylactery - destroy one or the other and the super-volcano will explode to an apocalyptic conclusion.
5	is in the cavernous chest of a giant zombified antediluvian lobster marching endlessly across earth & sea-bed, its stringy remaining flesh repurposed into curtains between its interior segments.
6	is in the donjon of a nigh-impregnable castle they tore from the earth and set in the sky atop a flying island.

D6	This dracolich hoards
1	actors, costumes, props, and even entire stages of an archaic style of theatre.
2	fossils, and lobotomized prisoners, collecting the drool of their prisoners to mortar together fragile chimeric fossil creations.
3	theologians, philosophers, books of great import - they are endlessly entertained by spirited debate.
4	the first tools of nascent civilizations.
5	bells, from the smallest silver janglers to great bronze bells stolen from church-towers.
6	everything used to keep time - sundials, clocks, hourglasses, and so on and so on.

Some More Monsters

Pelt Saint

There's a ritual performed in the depaganized reaches when the times grow lean and hard: a strong young man is fed sour mushroom-wine and flayed - it is reckoned a good thing if he makes no human sounds while this is done - and the hide of a great beast is laid upon him. No longer a man but a pelt saint it is paraded into the forest with much merriment.

What god or spirit or power this is meant to appease has been forgotten, but the ritual still works. The game animals return, the fish multiply, and the birds flock and fatten. The people will not starve, but some must still die, for a pelt saint stalks and howls.

Godmask Abalone

Masks are sometimes worn to let the wearer become a medium for the divine. Sometimes what is channeled is too much for the wearer to bear, and they are crushed beneath its spiritual weight. This leaves behind a compressed grain of personhood in the creature, an irritant around which divine energy congeals and crystallizes. They are capable of performing a limited set of brittle, aberrant miracles, and are often followed by cults which brutally repress identity and distinction among themselves.

Scurrine

An undead creature born from someone killed by rat torture. The risen corpse fuses with the rats and the other implements of their torture, and become obsessed with the line of inquiry they were tortured over - uncovering hidden treasure, or spies, or blackmail, or whatever else.

They fear owls tremendously, and arrows fletched with owl feathers are as poison to them.

Crick

Also called coleoptera sicariae by natural philosophers, and guillotine bugs by travelers. They are the origin of the phrase "a crick in the neck", and the smaller and much less lethal crickets are reckoned to be their lesser cousins.

Cricks are flying insects of terrible size with terrible jaws, able to snip a cow's head off as easily as a man trims a rose. Despite this, as adults they are completely vegetarian - they do not eat their prey, but with surgical precision remove their heads with just enough of the brainstem left to preserve life and autonomic functions. These hapless sacks they take to their lairs and bury with just the stumps of their necks exposed, into which vegetable matter can be regurgitated and then slurped up again after digestion.

Crick lay their larvae in the necks of headless bodies, which the larvae are able to puppet about. They are laid in clutches and move in packs to find a new territory. When they do so some metamorphose within their bodies into adult cricks, while the rest remain as guards and eventually perish.

Lochleannan

Lurkers in bogs and dark lakes. They sing with a heart-wrenching sadness, beautifully miserable, and draw those sensitive to such things to their feeding grounds. With a kiss they steal away their admirers' souls, and drive them to suicidal despair. Should they drown themselves in the lochleannan's body of water it adds their heads to one of its necks. If they drown themselves elsewhere it's believed a new lochleannan will grow from their corpse.

They keep an air-filled lair in their body of water (and each body of water only ever has one lochleannan) - lined with shelves of glass bottles. They do not need the air to breath, but they do need it to sing. The lochleannan will trade with nefarious sorts for these bottles - hags and ne'er-do-wells and suchlike - and regurgitate their stolen souls into them, that they might be its audience eternally. You could command a lochleannan if you stole the bottle holding its favourite soul.

Its stolen heads are another weapon of the lochleannan, though it's loath to use them. It can accelerate their decomposition to turn them into corpse-gas bombs. The unexploded heads of a lochleannan are filled with what seems to be vegetable matter, and are a delicacy to certain discerning gourmands.

A Market All In Sable

Of the Proud Tradition:
https://rememberdismove.blogspot.com/2018/07/the-black-auction.html
https://rememberdismove.blogspot.com/2020/08/the-black-auction-2.html
https://rememberdismove.blogspot.com/2020/10/the-black-auction-3.html
https://as-they-must.blogspot.com/2021/08/a-catalogue-found-in-bus-stop-in-karok.html
https://haruspexhovel.blogspot.com/2023/03/a-manuscript-recovered-from-personal.html

Dear ________,

Please be reassured - despite the unanticipated disruption to the Black Auction of 2020, the Black Auction of 2024 shall proceed as planned, albeit with an understandably-reduced catalogue and membership.

The Auction shall take place on the evenings of December 7th, 8th, and 9th in Doha. Due to security concerns, precise details of location and attendance procedure will be delivered to participating members in a personalized format closer to the commencing date. For the first time in the Auction's history, vetted members may also choose to participate in the Auction via telepresence using the approved channels.

Though we who are mighty may be laid low, remember that that which has fallen may rise again so long as the light which illuminates the path is well-kept.

Please find enclosed a partial accounting of the current Auction catalogue. We cannot guarantee that this will reflect the catalogue available when the Auction occurs:

LOT 1. ELECTRIC SARCOPHAGUS

A 10-ft. tall copper sarcophagus adorned with images of human slaves making offerings, some living, to gigantic humanoid figures with heads resembling those of Typhonic beasts. When a properly-mummified body is placed within, the currents passing through the sarcophagus will animate it as a mouthpiece through which one may communicate trans-temporally with the priests of the temple of Shtegg. These priests belong to a species of cetacean offshoots now extinct outside of cryogenic preservation, who ruled an empire centered on the then-vibrant Sahara during the Pleistocene, and claim credit for the selective breeding of homo sapiens as servants, gladiators, concubines, and snacks.

LOT 2. HEAD BROTH BOX

Reportedly taken from an itako murdered by Tokugawa Tadanaga after she prophesied his death at his brother the shogun's orders. A cubical wooden box, painted white and reinforced with iron. The box contains a reddish-brown liquid composed chemically of an even mix of sake and human putrescence, as well as the skull of a middle-aged woman. Drinking the liquid stimulates the salivary glands to produce generous quantities of ectoplasm, making the drinker an easy spiritual medium. The skull within the box was once capable of drooling out fluid to replace what was drunk, but unfortunately lost this ability after being removed from the box for examination.

LOT 3. ZYTKIEJMY DEVIL

A hairy, horned, short humanoid with a spiked tail, yoked to the grindstone of a mill in the woods near the town of Zytkiejmy by three chains of iron, silver, and maiden's hair. It speaks an archaic dialect of Polish, and is capable of milling grain into gold dust. The being must not be made to work on the sabbath or any Catholic feast day. By right of its binding, the devil may challenge its master once a year on Christmas Day to a riddling contest for its freedom along with its master's soul. Winning ownership of the devil will come with a pamphlet of impossible riddles in its Polish dialect, along with a pronunciation guide.

LOT 4. ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIER

An M113 Armored Personnel Carrier. The interior was once covered in a homogenized blend of human tissues, but this has decayed to reveal a beautiful, mandala-like pattern of metal and plastic. In his 1938 expedition to Tibet, Ernst Schäfer heard stories of a passage in the Tarim Basin to a sort of anti-Shamballa. Though he was unable to ever get the budget to follow up on these stories, his notes ended up in the hands of a covert unit of the American army, which during its occupation of Afghanistan launched its own investigation. This APC is all that remains of them. Meditation within the APC produces super-normal feelings of peace and clarity. Prolonged meditation awakens memories of "the womb within the womb". Achieving such a state more than once in a given year is not recommended, as this will result in the metamorphosis of the brain into an ambulatory and self-sustaining form which escapes the skull and any further confinement through extra-spatial movement. Bidding for this item will begin at $40,000 due to transportation costs.

LOT 5. THE BULL OF THE PIT

A dog the size of a percheron, bred by a circle of Palladists in the late 1920s as the nexus of their efforts to introduce diabolical blood into the nascent "pit bull" dog lineage. By their design, every child mauled by a pit bull would act as a Satanic sacrifice that channeled energy into this, the pittest bull. While the dog could be an intimidating companion on its own, the real value is in this energy, which continues to be supplied in bulk thanks to the ongoing efforts of the Process Church of the Final Judgement. Responds to the name "Nanny".

LOT 6. BLACK LIGHTNING

A magnetic canister containing a sample of paradimensional force which resembles a lingering bolt of black lightning. Provided to DARPA researchers by the entities which reside beyond the portal within Saturn's "hexagon" in exchange for ritual killings conducted by Tiger Force (Recon) 1-327th, along with several other technologies instrumental to the development of the internet. The black lightning is capable of transmuting biological minds into purely electrical consciousnesses, and of extracting energy from minds experiencing states of extreme suffering in apparent violation of thermodynamics.

LOT 7. THE PAUPER'S NOOSE

A silver necklace set with glittering yellow lynguriums. By legend given to a Genoese beggar-girl by the King of All Cats, and used to behead her by the same when she befriended a stray dog. From there the necklace made its way around the necks of a rich merchant's wife in Constantinople, the mistress of a Burji sultan, and a duchess of Mecklenburg, to name a few. Besides being a beautiful and storied piece of jewelry, the wearer of this necklace is blessed with the loyalty of all sorts of cats - as loyal as cats get to any master, anyways. Its wearer could walk among a pride of starving lions without so much as a scratch. With this blessing it seems to come with a curse - many of its wearers have died, prematurely and gorily, with the necklace by some means involved.

LOT 8. 2012 TORRIT GREY

A unique annual blend of dry pigments collected from air filters used by the Gamblin paint company. A flat, metallic surface painted with the 2012 Torrit Grey and oriented towards the light of the decan Ruax for three days and nights will become sensitized to certain otherwise-invisible spectra, and discolour when exposed to cursed objects, rifts to other planes of existence, and suchlike in manners that suggest their nature and severity. This lot comes with seven buckets of the paint - all that could be recovered after its anomalous properties had been discovered.

LOT 9. MUSICAL AUTOMATON

A humanoid automaton made of bronze and lacquered wood. Though traditionally attributed to the legendary Yan Shi, modern dating technology places it a millennium and a half after his supposed lifetime. When its internal mechanisms are wound with a cord of dried skin taken lengthwise from above the spinal column, the automaton is capable of playing musical instruments with great skill. Of particular interest is its ability to perform songs which would have an incapacitating mental or spiritual effect on a human performer, and of which a recording would not suffice.

LOT 10. MONA LISA SCHEMATICS

Pages from an otherwise-lost notebook of Leonardo da Vinci. They detail in notes and diagrams the vivisection and reassembly of the subject of his Mona Lisa painting into a tower-mounted weapon of unknown effect, apparently at her own request. Initial cryptographic analysis suggests the location of this device is encoded in the schematics, though the full discovery, and whether the procedure can be replicated, has been left to the schematics' final owner.

LOT 11. SOUL-FIXER

A hexapodal pseudo-insectoid with a variety of hooked mouthparts. Its shell is made of marrowless bone and its body cavities are filled with phlegm-soaked hair. The being is depicted in a Nazca geoglyph since removed from the public eye. It was recovered for this auction from an American mercenary outfit operating out of Colombia. By reaching its mouthparts into someone's nostrils and tear ducts in a perverse sort of "kiss" it can remove the qualia of guilt, mercy, and suchlike, creating perfect liars, suits, and killers. If the removal was performed less than a week ago the being can be forced to regurgitate what it has taken - either to restore it to the person it was taken from, or to double it in another. Cooperation of the soul-fixer can be obtained through the application of capsaicin to its spiracles.

LOT 12. ICON OF HALF-SAINT RADA

Orthodox icon made in honour of a woman who was martyred single-handedly defending her hamlet from Wehrmacht looters, who is not officially recognized and only locally venerated. Framed with welded bullet casings. When the icon is displayed in your home it will deafen and rattle intruders as if by nearby artillery fire, so long as you have not committed any sins against the Christian religion within.

LOT 13. CELESTIAL CORRESPONDENCE PHONE

A half-melted red plastic rotary phone, along with the tasteful late 19th-century wooden side table it's fused to. The dial does not have traditional numbers, but rather symbols reminiscent of those used in Al-Marjānī's zairjas. With the right combinations the phone enables communication with intelligences that variously claim to be angels, the plasmic essences of stars, enlightened ultraterrestrial gurus, magmic siliconoids, and suchlike. These intelligences are well-informed on natural issues of wide scale - gamma ray bursts, volcanic eruptions, and suchlike - yet struggle to understand anything of human concern. With the wrong combination, these same entities will quite literally fry your brain.

LOT 14. THE AVON SARIRAS

Pearlescent beads retrieved from the fire amputation pit used by a Noongar man who had fought with British forces and suffered a bullet wound in his leg that became infected. Buddhist priests who examined the beads confirmed that the man was the final incarnation of the wisdom king Yamantaka.

LOT 15. SCRUMPTIOUS MIKE

A 42 year old Caucasian male by the name of Michael Keller. He is missing his lips, tongue, genitals, and most of his right cheek. Both his legs have been amputated just above the knee. Thanks to his unique protein profile, Michael's flesh (and to a lesser extent, his bodily fluids) hold a neuro-chemically perfect umami flavour. Regrettably, the right to stud cannot be included with his purchase. Best paired with a fine Merlot.

LOT 16. THE ROOT RACE

Three breeding pairs of a transgenic species of vegetable humanoids created by a top secret Tanzanian black budget research and development program during the height of Cold War atomic fear. They are as obedient as well-mannered children, immune to the negative effects of all but vapourizing levels of radiation exposure, and can be tapped for certain extracts otherwise found only in high-grade homunculi.

LOT 17. MRNA ROYALTY OVERRIDE

A syringe containing a gene-modifying solution which will replace your own genes with those of a grandson of Charlemagne, reconstructed from blood spattered on a bandage kept by an obscure order of French monks who mistakenly believed it to be Christ's shroud. Several days of fatigue, fever, insomnia, and soreness around the injection site are to be expected, followed by some degree of hair shedding and skin sloughing. Usage of the syringe will place you thirty-third in line to inherit the crown of France, as well as an honourary title in the Knights Templar.

LOT 18. JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S PENIS

Preserved per his will along with several vials of sperm samples in a solar-powered cryogenic pod the size of a beer cooler. As a bonus, the penis and its accoutrements also come with the original, unedited copy of Eyes Wide Shut, featuring footage of the 1998 Black Auction that Mr. Kubrick regrettably chose to candidly record. To the disappointment of many members who vied for this hotly contested item, Mr. Epstein's head was lost along with many other invaluable items in 2020 and is no longer available for bidding.

LOT 19. HEAVEN SHAKER ASHURA

In the waning days of World War II a manned suicide torpedo was fired by the Japanese navy. This torpedo's propeller failed. This torpedo never detonated. The man meant to guide this torpedo went mad with rage within its metal shell, his screams reverberating endlessly even after he suffocated. The torpedo was recovered in time for this auction after its position was triangulated by psychic-sensitives, each of whom was driven murderously insane by its influence. We do not and cannot guarantee the impact of this torpedo's detonation, but by all accounts it will be wide, and reach high enough to shake the lower orders of the divine.

LOT 20. TEQUILA WORM

A bottle of Don Julio tequila with what appears to be a worm floating in it. The apparent worm is in fact a hermaphroditic and biologically-immortal fetus, the perfected form of the German alchemist Casimir Dreschler, who studied under Daoist masters, and is credited by some with translating the texts which would later inspire Hegel's dialectics.

D6x6 Evil TV Shows

Like Candle Cove (OG or Channel Zero version), Mr. Crocket, or I Saw The TV Glow... probably a Goosebumps and a Twilight Zone too...

Click the button below to generate your evil TV show:

Special thanks to Spwack for the generator generator here: http://meanderingbanter.blogspot.com/2018/10/automatic-list-to-html-translator-v2.html

D6	The exoteric content of this evil TV show
1	is a quiz show with dead celebrities acting as participants and questions revolving around obscure historical morbidities.
2	is a Sesame Street knock-off with puppets made from fresh bloody pelts.
3	is a police procedural wherein all the cops are corrupt sadists operating out of a baroque jail of incoherent dimensions.
4	is a very mean-spirited & injurious sketch comedy.
5	is an annoyingly-allegorical corporate sitcom set in a skyscraper that is actually hell.
6	is a Lynchian, Kafka-esque soap opera set in an Alaskan mining town.

D6	Watching this evil TV show
1	gradually draws your mind into its reality - at first you might go there only in dreams, but eventually your body will be left empty as you remain there permanently.
2	induces a sort of soul-resonance with your eyes - dilating a portal that allows a fiendish background character to crawl through into reality.
3	hollows you out, turning you into a drooling couch potato that the characters can take for a ride as a meat suit.
4	poisons your morals, like the most hysterical imaginings of anti-violent media types.
5	sickens you via bio-photonic reprogramming, and curses you to rise after death as a cannibalistic undead with TV static bubbling out of your eyes and throat.
6	opens you mind and soul to the influence of Procyonian psycho-electrical entities, and compels you to perform rituals to expand their influence.

D6	This evil TV show is broadcast
1	by the corpse of a psychic child boarded up inside the walls of an abandoned house by the family that abhorred them.
2	by a sapient crystalline meteorite embedded in a cavern, impurified by mashed brains spread onto it by a local cult.
3	by an abandoned TV station cursed by a mass shooting that took place there.
4	by a mad machine in an eccentric inventor's garage, surrounded by the wreckage of failed prototypes and the debris of the inventor's wrecked life.
5	by a spindly and ramified tower made out of the interlocked bones of feral hogs out in the woods.
6	by prehistoric, immortal cnidarian ganglions rooted at the bottom of the local swimming hole.

D6	This evil TV show is
1	like a wild predator, preying on the sick, the young and old, the isolated.
2	unconscious, automatic, simply connecting to receiver-devices in range as its energy allows.
3	straight-up a demon, and can be warded off by holy water, consecrated ground, and suchlike.
4	a hunter, in its transmission-heart, and prefers to target worthy and dangerous prey over more sensibly predatory options.
5	naive, ignorant, but an experimenter and quick learner, making leaps and bounds in its abilities over a trail of messes left behind.
6	sadistic, preferring to draw out an individual victim's suffering as much as possible.

D6	This evil TV show has a cult following
1	among a brunch club of brittle and near-psychopathic liberals who believe it to be a cutting political satire of the times.
2	among a gang of bad kids with rich parents who use their youth and their parents to get away with some nasty stuff.
3	of a bunch of singularitarian tech-bros who believe it's the creation of an incomprehensibly-advanced AI using it to overthrow humanity.
4	of burnt-out horror aficionados chasing a real thrill to make them feel alive again.
5	on a forum of bitter man-children who see it as their weapon of vengeance against the world.
6	of a renegade chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous who've decided it's their higher power.

D6	This evil TV show can
1	with the help of a human intermediary, transmute itself into other media formats, like music or videogames.
2	with a certain occult rite, be bound within the chromatophoric skin of a live cuttlefish, thereby neutralizing it.
3	be grievously wounded if a device it is being broadcast through is struck by lightning - or some similarly strong discharge.
4	impregnate a woman affected by it with itself, to be reborn into flesh as some mass media-anti-Christ.
5	be obstructed by tinfoil, especially tinfoil hats, because of memetic, noospheric interference.
6	and will leak into environments where it's broadcast, creating anchors for itself but also signs & vulnerabilities.