In wheelbarrows strapped to terrified goats as a makeshift chariot.
2
By divebombing in jury-rigged gliders.
3
Caked in shit wielding wooden spikes also caked in shit.
4
By luring enemies into poorly concealed traps.
5
Riding on the back of a giant spider and dangling one of their own in front of it to make it charge forward.
6
Walking on stilts above the reach of swords, wielding pikes.
7
Tossing random bombs and poisons they’ve brewed from atop rickety scaffolding.
8
In waves organized by smallest to largest goblins.
9
Using a human hostage/possible collaborator as bait.
10
With hit and run tactics. Literally, hitting you with a club and then running away laughing.
11
With rocket-backpacks that have a 50% chance of exploding or crashing and then exploding each round.
12
By trying to splash you with ladles and buckets full of acid. They will spill the acid on themselves or each other if they miss.
13
Spinning in a giant wheel with metal spikes on the rim.
14
Carrying their leader, a witch, on a palanquin. They’ll run interference while the witch prepares some nasty spells.
15
From a distance, flinging their less popular members out of a catapult.
16
In a shield wall that completely misses the point of a shield wall. Goblins will jostle each other aside, stop guarding the goblin beside them as a joke, try to clamber over the goblin in front of them, and suchlike.
17
By force-feeding one of their own volatile chemicals and parasites, then goading them to charge you. A solid hit will make them explode. They will also explode if left for too long.
18
By clambering together into a suit of armour that’s way too big for them, and operating it from within with a system of pulleys and yanking each others’ limbs.
19
With sapper crews digging beneath your feet.
20
Your self esteem, hurling vicious insults.
D20
These Goblins Wear...
1
Human and animal skulls as codpieces.
2
Rattling ribcage coats.
3
River mud and crab claw necklaces.
4
Dirty drapes and tablecloths.
5
Bloodstained children’s clothing.
6
Cookpot-and-cutlery armour.
7
Beer kegs held up by cats’ guts suspenders.
8
Bundles of poorly-tanned pig skins still reeking of piss.
9
Pins and needles pushed through their skin.
10
Thorny, uprooted bushes with just their spindly limbs and the tops of their heads poking out. What you can see of them is stained with dark berry juice.
11
Oversized, colourful woolen hats.
12
Spiked clogs.
13
Burlap sacks with holes cut out for their extremities.
14
Soiled silk stockings and frayed dresses.
15
Hair-shirts and cilices stolen from a nunnery.
16
Wigs and scalps like scarves.
17
Stinky fish-leather armour.
18
Basket-cuirasses stuffed with paper torn from books.
19
Hooded robes made for humans, which trail behind them and trip them up when they run.
20
Grotesque clay war-masks painted with their bodily fluids.
D20
These Goblins Have Names Like...
1
Eats-Your-Ears.
2
Swampass.
3
Sundried Abortion.
4
Wee Prolapse.
5
[Just the most annoying screech you can make, it’s a goblin phoneme]
6
Bumyabad.
7
[Wet fart noise].
8
Moistener.
9
Awfully Green.
10
Coochhooch.
11
Ol’ Moldy.
12
Snot Bastard.
13
Puke-Me-Up.
14
Chamberpotsworth XII.
15
Coyote’s Vagina.
16
Taintie Sweats.
17
Grapefruit.
18
Natter.
19
Chuckles McFucks.
20
Cornholenelius.
D20
If Surprised, These Goblins Will Be...
1
Circlejerking.
2
Telling each other gross, nonsensical jokes.
3
Pinching a stolen baby.
4
Racing their pet rats on a dangerous course.
5
Drinking themselves into unconsciousness. Goblins get drunk off vinegar.
6
Having a diarrhea-splattering contest against a wall.
7
Punting each others’ genitals.
8
Scratching goblin obscenities into surfaces.
9
Squabbling over their collections of trash.
10
Stuffing their faces with rotting meat.
11
Laughing, falling silent for a moment, then breaking out into laughter again. They will continue to do this for a while if uninterrupted.
12
Smoking noxious weeds from a hookah with pipes made from colons.
13
Smearing their faces with pink paint, stretching each other on racks, sewing oversized clothes (poorly), and attempting similar things to disguise themselves as humans.
14
Chattering goblin poetry. Surprisingly poignant.
15
Split into teams trying to stack rubbish into towers while toppling the other teams’ towers. Goblins are constantly defecting to other teams. At least one has already been crushed beneath a toppled tower.
16
Greasing their skin, popping the pimples that form with great relish.
17
Picking each others’ noses, sticking the boogers behind their ears.
18
Making a prisoner dance on hot coals.
19
Snoozing, snoring loudly.
20
Sharpening knives with other knives, coating sharpened knives with filth.
D20
Things That Might Be Looted From These Goblins’ Bodies Include...
1
A shortsword that glows incandescently hot in the presence of goblins. If it stabs a goblin it gets hot enough to ignite both the goblin and its wielder, unless that wielder has taken precautions like soaking themself with water. The goblins are using it like a campfire.
2
A vial of poison that causes lifelong, awful flatulence.
3
A pickled bat wing which when chewed causes the chewer to begin flying in a random direction for 1d6 round. The direction changes each round. The direction you fly is (1d6): 1, forward; 2, backward; 3, left; 4, right; 5, up; 6, down. If you hit a hard surface while flying you take 1d4 damage.
4
A ball of woven rat tails. Swallowing it lets you squeeze through any gap wide enough to fit your teeth for 1d6 ten-minute turns.
5
1d6 goblinshot arrowheads. A bit like elfshot, but they make you evacuate your bowels from both ends until you die. Save vs. magic or take 1d6 damage for each meal you’ve eaten that day.
6
Pitseed: looks like a root vegetable that hates you. If thrown on the ground, it grows into a 10x10x10 foot pit with stone spikes at the bottom.
7
A shoddily shorn sheep with its two back legs hacked off. Resigned to its fate.
8
A set of dentures with the regular teeth taken out and replaced with cat teeth.
9
A crucified squirrel.
10
A stinkbomb.
11
A hand-cranked chainsaw. Requires two rounds of cranking before operating, operates for 1d4 rounds before needing to be re-cranked. Deals 2d6 damage. Noisy.
12
A red-dyed cap that prevents its wearer from dying or falling unconscious in any round that they deal more damage than they take.
13
A pile of bloated kidney full of sharp kidney stones. Half of them have already burst.
14
A handgonne rigged to shoot the person that fires it.
15
Crude bomb filled with rusty nails.
16
A pouch of micro-gremlin dust which will destroy any machine it’s poured on. 1 dose.
17
Jug of very bad vinegar. Drink to immediately induce vomiting and gain another save against an imbibed poison. Delicious to goblins.
18
A broken clock that’s not right any time of day.
19
A bottle of pheromonal stenches that can direct simple-minded creatures in simple ways (run away, attack, go here, etc.). Enough for 1d4 uses.
20
A cloth doll, modified to look more like a goblin.
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