If you’re an entrepreneur, you’re a hero. Not a “hero” like one of those virtue-signalling cucks who saves a bus full of other peoples’ children, but a real hero, like Achilles. People will remember your name in 3,000 years. Because you made an app.
Before the day is done I will make one million dollars - here's 20 business ideas for entrepreneurs:
1. Comedy club/Brazilian jiu-jitsu gym called Rear Naked Joke.
2. It's a food truck that does wraps, but it's also a mobile theater with a built-in projector, and it's called That's A Wrap.
3. A bar with mini-golf called Teeing Double ("talk about driving drunk" -t. Phlox).
4. Micro-houses but for like, pickleball courts, they're micro-pickleball courts - We Like Short Courts.
5. Old Scratch: Faustian nail salon for men.
6. A dating app for furries called Nuzzlr.
7. A bowling alley that is also a skating rink... Balls & Blades (special thanks to the boys for that one).
8. Access to public toilets - it can be difficult - so this one's like a CamelBak, like one of those backpacks you can drink out of, through a tube, but there's also a tube that goes up your urethra (or into a cup around your urethral area) and you pee in the tube and it goes into the backpack, but there's a membrane in the backpack which keeps your urine separate from your drink, and a membrane that grows the pee area and shrinks the drink area as you drink more, through like... hydraulics or something - this one's called Go On The Go.
9. Okay okay so it's like a Madame Tussauds, but we're leaning into the uncanny valleyness of the wax guys, they're scary wax guys and it's a haunted house, but get this: it's also a bee-keeping operation, and the wax guys are made with wax from the bees and the bees are loose in the haunted house which makes it extra scary. You have to sign a waiver to get in... the Bugout Building.
10. Bittersweat - coffee shop that's also a gym - serves protein coffees, and then when you're amped up from the caffeine you can hit some reps because there's like, leg presses built in the chairs and stuff.
11. Keeping the heat off... that's only gonna get more important as the world burns. So this is drones, and they've got a parasol and a mister and they hover around you and use AI-powered executive solutions to optimize thermal regulation... Misteaze.
12. It's a skate park that's also a wave pool. Visitors are given skateboards that are also surfboards. This one's called Never Board.
13. It's a drug, and it's the Ozempic-killer, because it doesn't just burn fat - it turns fat into hair. It's also the cure for baldness. Chub2Chad.
14. Hot yoga studio, but it's body positive and the heat comes from ovens because it's also a bakery that makes fresh cinnamon rolls... Downward Spiral.
15. A shooting range, but it's like a DIY shooting range because you can't bring guns, you make your own guns at the in-house machine shop, you put together pipe guns and shoot them, there's classes on how to make your own improvised firearms. Shoot For The Tsars.
16. It's like a holistic WeWork - it provides combined living and working space for professionals, using all-natural, sustainable temperature control and water systems. It's cave rental, it rents out caves for people to live in, and it's called Chthopia.
17. Okay, alright, this one's good - so there's those monthly delivery box things, and then there's those closed system terrarium videos that are popular on Youtube... so with this each month you get delivered a closed system terrarium, but it's also like a gatcha game because who knows what the ecosystem in there's gonna be like by the time you get it. Maybe ants took over. And the terrariums are modular so you can put them together and have the ants battle the pillbugs or whatever. I'm calling this one Forevergreen, or I would if that name wasn't already fucking taken by some piece of shit 2025 American Christian independent animated fantasy short film written and directed by Nathan Engelhardt & Jeremy Spears... okay, instead it's called Little Blue Marbles.
18. Augmented reality glasses that apply filters to people you see so they comply with Sharia law or whatever the veil stuff is for - TaqiyYou, or TaqiyYeah... I'm split on this one. I'll throw in a freebie: it's like a niqab, but also one of those Chinese lion dance costumes. Strength in numbers.
19. Concreter - an appliance that's the opposite of a blender, you put in whatever food-fluids and it performs operations to transform these into various solids - still edible.
20. Okay, so - daycare? Expensive. Because uhhh I don't know, overhead costs? Whatever. Have you ever seen those videos of the orangutan caring for the tiger cub, or the dog looking after kittens? Animals can have strong maternal instincts, strong enough to look after babies of a different species, and we're putting those instincts to waste making cute videos instead of turning a profit. This one's a daycare that's also a zoo, the children are looked after by the animals. And obviously parents will want their kid looked after by a cool animal like a tiger so they don't grow up to be gay, so we can charge a premium for that. This one's called Mama Bears until I think of a better one.
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