Another monster manual review.
They were trying to charge $25 for this one... ha ha, come on guys.
Tar Imps
Ugly-cute. They explode when wounded, and it's funny to imagine a swarm of them setting each other off... yes, I think I will steal that, and them being little guys means it's more feasible to throw them around and stuff to control their blast radius. Worth what may or may not be a significant amount of money if taken alive, I don't know Mork Borg, so that's another neat complication. Two and a half skeletons, and a quarter of a ghost.
Swamp Lucrus
They're undead minotaurs, and if they hit you they can blind you until you eat its eyeball. I like that - debilitates you, but forces you to commit to killing it regardless. There's flavour text for these entries but it's generally ass and useless. Two skeletons, half a goblin.
Rachita Wickers
Evil wicker men, but like, man-sized wicker men instead of giant ones. I prefer evil scarecrows for man-sized farm-type enemies, wicker men should be big and shove you inside them and be on fire. And their origin feels mean-spirited. Half a goblin.
Leagan
Okay so it's called Leagan... and it's the resurrected tentacle of a monster slain by a guy named Leagan... these Mork Borg guys are really pushing it... Half a goblin.
Pyroneck Heads
Stupid name, you're not cute Mork Borg. Fiery flying skull is a good monster archetype, though feels like this guys could use a bit of punching up, get a bit more fire to them. Two skeletons.
Bone Felons
"Felon(n.)
c. 1300, feloun, "one who deceives or commits treason; one who is wicked or evil; evil-doer," used of Lucifer and Herod, from Old French felon "evil-doer, scoundrel, traitor, rebel, oath-breaker, the Devil" (9c.), from Medieval Latin fellonem (nominative fello) "evil-doer," which is of uncertain origin, perhaps from Frankish *fillo, *filljo "person who whips or beats, scourger" (source of Old High German fillen "to whip"); or from Latin fel "gall, poison," on the notion of "one full of bitterness." Celtic origins also have been proposed.
Another theory (advanced by Professor R. Atkinson of Dublin) traces it to Latin fellare "to suck" (see fecund), which had an obscene secondary meaning in classical Latin (well-known to readers of Martial and Catullus), which would make a felon etymologically a "cock-sucker." OED (1989) inclines toward the "gall" explanation, but finds Atkinson's "most plausible" of the others."
Neat. Bone felons (another stupid name) are just skeletons. Zero goblins.
Inviats
Skull-headed plant guys who whip your fingers off. The Dark Souls-esque flavour blurbs are... maybe starting to hit? One and a half ghouls.
Skein Phantoms
Flying gestalt undead reanimated by the alchemical smog that leaks out of a magic spreading forest. That's neat, and coming up with new neat undead can be tricky. Two goblins.
Liflegurs
I really like the art for this guy:
Fungal Geists
They're guys who fall into pools and then there's a fungus god or something who turns them into fungus guys and now they worship him and seek more converts... I like the idea of a monster tied to a specific terrain feature. One and a half ghosts.
Musty Bloaters
It angers me how they do splash damage for this monster. These guys are also from the fungus god. Zero goblins.
Slimy Gorgers
Oooouuuuuugghhhhh you fucking piece of shit:
Minus one goblin.
Scabaltars
These guys ate fungal geists so now they're fungus guys too. Japanese people are always starving and in their desperation turning to eating a mermaid or marebito or something, becoming immortally cursed in the process. Half a goblin.
Quins
Evil anti-jesters, used to be regular happy jesters but the king was depressed and tortured them. I feel like you could do much more with evil anti-jesters than was done here. One goblin.
Ink Cursed
They should be paying me $25 to read this crap, my eyes are getting sore. These guys' lore is neat - there's a countess who doesn't like when people try to marry her or get horny for her so she makes them eat curses she writes out with blood-ink and they're turned into these guys.
Void Creeps
Good countdown attack - three hits and you're sucked into the void. One and a half ghouls.
Hive Sprites
Little fairy dudes, you can't make 'em good, I've never seen a good little fairy dude monster. Zero ghosts.
Nechrubel Apostles
Feels like the Kiss-looking guys niche was already filled by the ink cursed... anyways, whatever, they're cUhRaZy because of an evil god, and they do Event Horizon stuff to themselves. I know it's a "minimalist system" or whatever but why even have stat blocks for half these guys? They're all pretty much the same. Half a goblin.
Contorted The
Yes, that's how they wrote it. This process is making me more confident as a writer, if this is the stuff that people are willing to attach their real names to, that people are willing to pay real money for. They're tree zombies, half a goblin.
Nordaygs
Tree-beasts that the tree zombies ride. Quarter of a ghost, quarter of a goblin.
Radixion
It's a giant tree guy. Unclear if there's supposed to be more than one. These tree monsters are dragging worse than the fungus monsters. Quarter of a ghoul.
Grapnels
Some of these illustrations look AI-generated, but not in a bad way - slopkino. That's two places now with magic poisonous fog... they're like, squids or something. One goblin.
Spiries
These guys live in the same poisonous fog as the grapnels, which is a different poisonous fog than the skein phantoms live in. Nothing really to them, half a goblin.
Meat Curs
"For 2d8 hours they vomit blood sporadically and lose 1 HP when they do" - the fuck is sporadically? Why would you not just write "once an hour" or something? I'm going to subtract another goblin from these chuds. Quarter of a goblin.
Chyoks
Crows mutated by eating the dead left behind by the evil expanding forest. They kind of do the Otachi thing. Don't hate these guys - what a relief. Two ghouls.
Sheer Hounds
Dumb, dumb name. They're dog-people, but their illustration makes them look more like lizard-people. Half a ghoul.
Vierm Grubs
Are you not supposed to read this text? This is shit I would do as a bit! Ow! Ouch my eyes! They're just giant fucking maggots, did you need to hurt me for that?! Minus one goblin.
Fang Frogs
Killer frogs. One goblin.
Hanox Cattle
Killer cows. Three-quarters of a goblin.
Acid Apes
Don't hate this name. Another slopkino illustration. "Acid jungles", nice. They just punch you, they don't do anything acid-related. Two goblins.
Clotsuckers
I kind of like the whole "the world is going to hell" thing they've got going on, world falling apart and monsters rising everywhere and so on and so on. These guys are blood-sucking octopi. One and a half goblins.
Zoparlas
Burrowing, swarming lizards. These entries don't have numbers encountered so I guess the swarming is more, like, implicit or whatever. I liked the tunnelers from Fallout New Vegas those guys were good. Quarter of a skeleton.
Shank Fowl
Killer vultures. Whatever. Half a goblin.
Hounds of Yannwin
This has got to have been forty monsters... come on already... Killer dogs. Zero goblins.
Worm Mares
Horse-snakes. Their special attack is dragging people underground, which is decent. Their origin is good too. Their bite can give you a disease but this is noted in the disease section and not in their entry. Two ghouls.
Baltoaca
Sea monster that can fit in bodies of water that should be way too small for it, which is a neat gimmick. It's also bulimic. Two goblins.
Trunker
Fucking stupid-ass name. It's a godzilla that can disguise itself as a tree, and breath out red mist that makes you scared. One and a half goblins - you know what? Make that one and a quarter goblins. Fucking Trunker.
Eskacadas
These are what the giant maggots grow into. Big beetle-men who punch eggs into you. Two goblins.
Flesh Abominations
Swiggity swooty they're coming for your booty - this guy can absorb your rump. One and a half goblins.
Nandejara
He's like a big strong angry guy, and if he punches you your armour fuses to you. Dumb backstory. One goblin.
Blaora Horundi
Wait a minute, this isn't a monster - it's a disease! I'm done, I'm free!
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