Tuesday, June 8, 2021

More Inverted Monsters

It's like this: https://weirdwonderfulworlds.blogspot.com/2020/07/draft-inverted-monsters.html

And this: https://www.bastionland.com/2020/01/inverted-monsters.html

And this: http://monstermanualsewnfrompants.blogspot.com/2017/06/arnold-k-fucks-pigs.html

And also this: http://goblinpunch.blogspot.com/2017/06/no-i-fucking-dont.html

Umber Hulks

  • Big bug
  • Confusing eyes
  • Burrowing

Becomes: Meleagristlers

  • What's the opposite of a bug? Lobsters are sometimes called "bugs of the sea". In mid-19th century America, lobsters were a "poor man's food", while turkey was a luxury item mostly had to celebrate holidays. Therefore the opposite of a bug is a turkey.
  • The inversion of confusion of clarity. The opposite of an eye is a butthole. Turkeys poop and lay eggs from the same hole (the "cloaca").
  • You must be thinking: "the opposite of burrowing is flying"... oh yeah? Ever hear of a wind tunnel? Nah. The opposite of burrowing is being summoned.

Meleagristlers look like horrible eyeless turkeys dragging themselves along with their wingtips. They're blind but sense through the technicolour pimples sprouting on their wattles. They can leap surprisingly far and fast with their wings, like a backwards grasshopper. Meleagristlers come from Somewhere Else, but the method of calling them here is an open secret, and not terribly difficult. They'll try to hold you down and lay eggs in your eyes. This'll let you peer through the veils of reality. The pressure of the growing chicks on your brain will also drive you to seek out magical portals and other places where reality is weak. Once you do they'll be able to hatch and return home. This is not good for your eyes or brain.

There is an insular circle of wizards (all apprentices trained by the same master) who illicitly promote meleagristler infestation as "the ultimate high" to the jaded and desperate. They use the infected like bloodhounds to sniff out sites of power, and when the infestation reaches its peak transplant the infecteds' eggshell-eyes to their own skulls, suppressing the downsides with alchemical eyedrops.


  • Rapacious pirates & treacherous merchants
  • Mind-controlling slavers
  • Space-travelling tarantula-eels

Becomes: Christmas Cunts

  • Generous gift-givers
  • At your service (whether you want them to be or not)
  • Eels = long slimy fish, tarantulas = hairy spiders. Flying squirrel = short dry mammal, walrus = naked mammal (the opposite of spiders and fish is mammals, but only most of the time).

Christmas cunts look like chubby greyish walrus-people with obscene folds on their bellies. They've always got shit-eating grins. The folds hold presents. They can't wait to give you presents. The presents are fucking awful somehow. They're the last thing you need, they're cursed or a pet rabid badger. The Christmas cunts won't take no for an answer. They talk like brain-damaged Disney characters: "Well I just knows what'd fix up your Christmas spirit... more presents, hyuk hyuk hyuk!". If you kill them all their presents will get out at once.


  • Flying head
  • Infectious kiss
  • Terrifying scream

Becomes: Bairnytoddles

  • Walking feet (the opposite of the head)
  • Purgative kick (if you don't understand the logic by now you never will)
  • Calming quiet

When baby shoes are never worn they must be disposed of properly, or else they'll become host to a bairnytoddle. The shoes go on tap-tap-tapping about, a dancing gait without legs to swing them. The footprints they leave are stains, blackened and gnarled. The presence of a bairnytoddle is more soothing than a lullaby. It stills thought and feeling into complacent tranquility, eventually lulling into a long and dreamless sleep. If you're kicked by a bairnytoddle this effect is reversed and amplified. You forcibly expel everything you've got cooped up inside you, whether it's guilty secrets or stomach contents. The spirit that animates them is a thing of The Fool. It is naive, aligned with potential, opposed to drudgeful minds and conventional wisdom.


  • Totally silent skeleton snake
  • Hypnotizing dance
  • Manufactured by wizard or cleric

Becomes: Hairesiarchs

  • Loud hair crab. Hair is the furthest thing on the body from bones. Crabs are the opposite of snakes (long, skinny, air-breathing vs. wide, flat, water-breathing)
  • Repulsive song
  • Accidentally made by scientists and heretics

Hairesiarchs are born of paradigm shifts. Paradigm shifts can be stressful for those who lead them. Stress can lead to hair loss. The hair lost to the stress of paradigm shifts collects and forms into hairesiarchs.

They look like hair-woven mats skittering about on fraying hairy limbs. At their center is a face, a composite of all those who lost hair to create it. That face is always preaching an incoherent doctrine which offensively, nauseatingly contradicts everything you believe in. Hairesiarchs are priests of TH-R-ZD-N, of the pure Chaos which leaves no possibility for Order to be reborn from it - heat death, omnium contra omnes until the last two left alive strangle each other with their guts, etc. The creatures are collected to serve as devil's advocates in the halls of power, debated with to refine and reinforce dogma.


  • Underground fish-people
  • Anything they worship turns into a god
  • Make concoctions from their slippery skin-slime

Becomes: Doubting Tomels

  • Celestial mushroom-people (how many y'all seen a mushroom underwater)
  • Drain the power of divine entities through facts and logic©
  • Make objects from other peoples' bones (skin-slime is the hair of slimy things)

There's another planet, not so much unlike ours, out in the endless void. The inhabitants of this planet think themselves "enlightened" and "rational". These inhabitants are here called Doubting Tomels.

They look like man-sized morel mushrooms, sliding around on hyphaeic tentacles. The wrinkles of their cap form moaning mouths that engage in stilted, boring conversation with anyone who replies back. They seek to sap the mystical and miraculous, philosophical and poetic from the lives of others, that they may bottle the stuff and ship it home for fuel. Their civilization is dying (they can survive nowhere else) and think your meaning to be a worthwhile sacrifice for the continuation of their pointless amusements.

They're well-learned in biofeedback techniques. Within their own soft bodies this has limited potential. On their own they can produce a variety of flammable, mutagenic, hallucinogenic, and suchlike chemicals. Their animal disciples, with their solid bones, can concentrate this power into a more solid, permanent form. These disciples are of utmost utility, for the weapons that can be made from their skeletons.

Caryatid Columns

  • Stone golems
  • Incorporated into architecture
  • Guardian of somewhere or something

Becomes: Vaporubbishite

  • Cloud cambion (a golem is clay animated by a person  (with God's assent), stone is a rock - clouds are vapourous sky-things and cambions are born from the semen stolen by succubi)
  • Subverts structures
  • Besiegers and bandits

The devil finds work for idle hands - as with hands, so with eyes and minds. Staring too long at the clouds opens an opportunity for fell powers to imperceptibly siphon a portion of your cerebrospinal fluid up into the sky, and with it impregnate a cloud with your imaginings, spawning a vaporubbishite. They've got a family resemblance to whoever spawned them, though composed of white and cerulean threads, squirming like worms. These threads can seep into solid substance and weaken, degrade, and mutate them. In fact that's what vaporubbishites are most fond of. If ever a wall is declared unconquerable or a vault said to be unbreachable, a vaporubbishite will come to prove that claim false.


  • Manifestation of the vengeance of gods
  • Imperceptible to any but its target
  • Punishes its target if it kills them, rewards but entraps its target it they kill it

Becomes: Clavicus Devil

  • Expression of the forgiveness of demons
  • Perceptible to everyone but its target
  • Like a piñata to its target, but full of crap for anyone else

When a previously holy man, or faithful priestess, or sacred hermit feels corruption creep upon them, a humero devil is sent to them by the lords of Hell. This devil appears as a thing of bony spines with a towering crown sat upon (in fact growing upon) their shoulder, influencing the mind of its bearer to be unable to perceive it. Yet the creature whispers in their ear (directly to their subconscious), pressing them to transgress ever further. Others tend to see the devil as an unblemished, alabaster little angel unless already-heretical or inured to diabolical tricks.

If the host of a clavicus devil is convinced of its existence, and to turn against it, then the creature can be shattered by their hand into a pile of blessed shards. If anyone else does the same, those same shards will pierce them and puppet them to nefarious ends.


  1. Nice. I may blog a monster or two with this method

  2. You've done a very good thing. These are so good.

    I love how many of them have origin stories (especially the Hairesiarchs).

  3. These are so delightfully fucked up. Love them love them love them.