Friday, September 23, 2022

D20x5 Alien Abductees

Click the button below for your very own alien abductee generated from the tables below:

D20This alien abductee is
1a skinny old trucker with a perpetually-sunburned face.
2a gardener with a droopy moustache, and uncanny knowledge of everything scandalous going on in the neighbourhoods where he works.
3a nasally-voiced day labourer who pounds back excessively-caffeinated energy drinks.
4a portly plumber with an MMO addiction.
5a crossfit-evangelizing programmer with terrible posture.
6a trophy wife who's secretly getting into DIY body mods.
7an accountant going through their mid-life crisis, stoked that something interesting finally happened to them.
8the owner-operator of a fruit salad/poke bowl food truck.
9a crustpunk who spends most of their time climbing trees.
10a commercial actor who struggles getting roles so deals coke on the side.
11a liquor store cashier with an extensive collection of horror movies and associated props.
12the owner of a boat dealership who talks faster and faster when they get excited until they're speaking gibberish.
13a line chef with bad tattoos who chews gum aggressively.
14a farmer currently engaged in a lawsuit against a biotech firm.
15a taxidermist whose Etsy business has really shot up since they started putting together chimeras inspired by their abduction.
16a pimply warehouse worker convinced their abduction was related to their push to unionize.
17a mechanical watch repairman who builds Rube Goldberg machines as a hobby.
18a wedding photographer who dresses like a cowboy.
19a former investment banker living large off a fat insurance payout for severe anxiety.
20a fidgety mailman barely keeping his head above water on child support payments.
D20This alien abductee describes their abductor(s) as:
1"crocodiles with the faces of presidents, hopping around like kangaroos".
2"glowing balls of light connected by sunbeams".
3"a great black triangle that spoke through my bones".
4"metal drums with red eyes and claws like a crab".
5"an ocean of amniotic fluid with fetal leviathans swimming within".
6"worms made of braided spines".
7"onion-headed skeletons in silver jumpsuits".
8"one-eyed albino giants".
9"old-timey outfits with no one wearing them".
10"angels made of tie-dye patterns".
11"the wandering ghosts of dead stars".
12"pools of oil that could move and think on its own".
13"plastic mannequins with something dark and wet between their seams".
14"like a whole bunch of purple shrimp tried to stack themselves into an even bigger shrimp".
15"entities made out of scents and memories instead of flesh and blood".
16"things with faces like a cluster of goat horns, and beaks on the ends of their tails".
17"floating golden cubes that moved things without touching them".
18"eyeless, earless hippoes with whole cities in their mouths".
19"trees with hands for leaves and teeth in their roots".
20"upside-down octopi squeezed into an icecream cone".
D20This alien abductee believes they were abducted
1so their gametes could be harvested to create a race of human-alien hybrids.
2to test out anti-human weaponry, and that they are a clone of their original self, who was killed in the testing.
3to serve as a consultant on Earthly matters to the supreme galactic council.
4so that the aliens could cut out a part of their brain that understood cosmic secrets.
5as a prank by some extraterrestrial frat.
6so that the benevolent aliens could cure them of chronic Lyme.
7to fight in gladiatorial arenas for the amusement of an interstellar emperor.
8so that their genes and memes could be preserved in an extrasolar ark.
9in order to trap their mind in a virtual simulation - which they believe themself to still be in.
10due to a case of mistaken identity.
11to serve as a judge on an alien game show.
12to save their life from a car accident that would cut short their important role in human history.
13to make sure the aliens' systems were idiot-proof (with them as the idiot).
14so that parts of their organs could be extracted and prepared as an alien delicacy.
15because their latent psychic abilities acted as a beacon among the stars.
16because they're really an alien soul trapped in a human body.
17because they unwittingly won a raffle for an all-expenses-paid vacation to another planet.
18to serve as a witness in an enigmatic criminal trial.
19so that their bodily fluids could be drained as an emergency fuel source for the alien vessel.
20to help a ragtag band of rebels overthrow the tyrannical robber baron of some far-flung nebula.
D20This alien abductee has
1a spiral-shaped scar on their abdomen.
2something silvery visible behind the pupil of their left eye.
3a cyst on the back of their neck that leaks metal-dissolving pus.
4the inexplicable and unerring ability to predict the position of celestial objects.
5a tooth that wriggles in its socket when exposed to strong electromagnetic fields.
6complex, abstract brands on their backs that nauseate you if you stare at them too long.
7had a sociopathic alternate personality implanted in their brain that will activate to protect the aliens' secrets, killing if necessary.
8Wolverine claws implanted in their arms that spring out if their life is threatened.
9acquired an immunity to radiation sickness and damage.
10occasional, distracting clairvoyant visions of ancient sites like Stonehenge and some field where a Roman garum factory once stood.
11the inconvenient habit of levitating in their sleep.
12a lens stuck under the skin of their right index finger that can shoot a powerful laser beam.
13become patient zero and a carrier for a slow-acting yet malignant plague.
14been dreaming of the memories of people abducted in past decades, centuries, even millennia.
15been stalked by camera-headed owls that nobody else can see.
16been respawning like a character in a video game when they die, though this has left their own corpse behind.
17a projector in their collar bone that can create life-like holograms.
18an anti-matter bomb embedded in their chest that will explode based on uncertain conditions.
19had some of their nervous system replaced with wires that can directly interface with machinery.
20an aura that wilts plants in their vicinity.
D20This alien abductee has garnered attention from
1a racist militia that buys into von Liebenfels' Theozoology.
2a video streamer and their audience, who harass the abductee daily.
3a big mainstream media reporter, who sees them as an exemplar of the irrationality of the post-Trump era.
4a bored FBI agent.
5a bunch of online idiots planning to invade Area 51.
6a conman who thinks they're suggestible enough to make a big score off of.
7a space-obsessed suicide cult that sees the abductee as their messiah.
8a crank archeologist who believes in the ancient aliens hypothesis and wants the abductee to verify their latest find.
9CIA spooks who think they're a Chinese spy speaking in code.
10a washed-up former cosmonaut who was also abducted by aliens during a clandestine mission.
11an alien living in disguise on Earth who thinks the abductee is their ticket off this rock.
12an indie director who wants to make a movie about them.
13an alcoholic, religious fundamentalist relative of theirs who believes they were taken by demons and wants to save them from the demons' influence.
14an eccentric Silicon Valley billionaire who wants the abductee to facilitate contact between them and the aliens.
15a violently-jealous amateur astronomer who witnessed their abduction but believes it should've been them who got to experience a close encounter of the fourth kind.
16a dishonourably discharged navy captain who thinks the government's covering up a massive UFO conspiracy.
17a celebrity psychiatrist looking to make a spectacle of "curing" the abductee of their "delusion".
18a mediocre young adult novelist disingenuously accusing the abductee of plagiarizing one of their stories.
19a serial killer who targets people with alien abduction stories.
20sapient and technologically-advanced descendants of dinosaurs hidden deep within the Earth, ancient rivals of the aliens who abducted them.

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