Saturday, November 3, 2018

D20x5 Ignoble Nobles

Converted from my reddit post here:

For when the only thing royal's that you're royally fucked up.

Thanks again to Meandering Banter for their list-maker:

D20 This Noble’s Official Position Is The...
1 Splendid And Gentle Barber-Surgeon Of The Court.
2 Jesterial Executive Of Mummery, Oafs, And Farce.
3 Grovelling Seneschal Of Unfortunately Necessary Demands.
4 Indispensable Grand Manager Of Ceremonies.
5 Lord Warden Of All Royal Grounds, Gardens, And Groves.
6 Throne’s Thaumotological Advisor.
7 High Acquisitioner Of Curious Cuisines.
8 Prestigious And Pedigreed Master Of Mounts.
9 Executioner-Marquis of the Chthonic Border.
10 Most Honourable Companion-Guard Of The Body Palatine.
11 Iron-Bellied Taster Of Suspect Refreshments.
12 Harbinger Of Heraldry and Clarions.
13 Diplomatic Vizier-Scribe Of Declarations.
14 Nurse-Overseer Of Scion Tutelage.
15 Chief Outfitter Of Soldieries.
16 Esteemed And Erudite Counter Of Coinage.
17 Advisor-Most-Wise on Mechanical Matters.
18 Prince-Collector Of Taxes And Ransoms.
19 Scholastical Keeper Of Artifacts And Bloodlines.
20 Secretary-Steward Of Freemen Accords.
D20 But On The Side They...
1 Facilitate the court’s dealings with criminal elements.
2 Handle their liege’s liaisons with mistresses and paramours.
3 Act as the court’s inquisitioner and torturer.
4 Manage a spy network.
5 Write amateur histories.
6 Keep a menagerie of strange beasts.
7 Dabble in mysticism.
8 Are in charge of their liege’s secret police.
9 Are a gentleman farmer.
10 Sponsor politically-convenient peasant revolts.
11 Train and arm a militia loyal to them alone.
12 Manage a sizeable merchant company.
13 Are a fixture in their city’s beerhalls and taverns.
14 Collect high-end wines.
15 Are a slumlord.
16 Are a policy wonk.
17 Act as a judge and legal consultant.
18 Hire troubleshooters for the court.
19 Compose awful poetry.
20 Forge documents for their liege, and anyone else who can pay enough and keep a secret.
D20 This Noble Wants...
1 To overthrow the aristocratic system and replace it with a (1d6): 1, direct democracy; 2, junta; 3, theocracy; 4, technocracy; 5, magocracy; 6, oligarchy.
2 To raise their station with monomaniacal fervour.
3 To undermine their courtly rival whose responsibilities overlap their own.
4 To recover a lost heirloom of their family.
5 To be seen as a tasteful patron of the arts.
6 The head of an impressive monster to mount on their wall.
7 To experience the thrill of adventuring.
8 The safe return of their kidnaped child.
9 A handsome and healthy spouse.
10 Instruction in the art and science of necromancy.
11 To be immortalized in a truly peerless painting or sculpture.
12 To experience decadent delights the likes of which haven’t been seen by anyone else in their court.
13 News of a cadet branch of their family in a distant land.
14 To be publicly recognized by their liege for a great achievement.
15 To root out the leader of a peasant revolt in their holdings.
16 To find or fabricate proof of claims on a rival’s holdings.
17 A worthy heir to pass their position to.
18 Someone to investigate the unsettling happenings on their estate.
19 To humiliate another courtier who’s got a similar outfit.
20 Deadly revenge against everyone on their list of sleights.
D20 This Noble Could Be Blackmailed With...
1 Their exotic drug habit.
2 Their secret hobby of ritualistic serial murder.
3 Their membership in a reviled cult.
4 The fact that they’ve lied about the nobility of their bloodline.
5 Their own carefully covered-up incompetence.
6 The ludicrous amount of money they owe to nefarious characters.
7 Knowledge of the curse that haunts their family.
8 Their political ties to mortal enemies of the court.
9 The reputationally-devastating indiscretions of their children.
10 Their scandalous affair with another courtier.
11 The treasures they’ve embezzled from the royal vaults.
12 Their bargain with a demon.
13 The treasonous literature they’ve written under a pseudonym.
14 A failed assassination attempt they partially sponsored.
15 The truth of their inhuman bastard child.
16 Their habit of poaching rare beasts from their liege’s lands.
17 The crimes of their estranged identical twin.
18 The illegal pornographic woodcuts they hide in their home.
19 Revelation of the disfiguring venereal disease they’ve contracted.
20 Their youthful flirtations with banditry.
D20 This Noble’s Outfit...
1 Is modelled after the traditional local peasant’s outfit, though its make and materials leave it woefully unsuited for manual labour.
2 Cleverly conceals a suit of armour worn underneath.
3 Is a suit of armour, though modified for fashion to the point that it’s useless for protection.
4 Is composed of their sedated pet ermines.
5 Is like a crystal chandelier suspended around them by a golden frame.
6 Exposes the fashionable patterns of their by turns hypertrophied and atrophied muscle groups.
7 Is by standards of courtly etiquette too fancy for their position.
8 Incorporates softly jangling reams of silver cutlery along their sleeves.
9 Is made of colourful seashells glued to their skin.
10 Contains many layers of soggy furs which require servants to periodically dump ice into to prevent the noble from overheating.
11 Looks like a bouquet of woven flowers. The colours, species, and positioning of the flowers express symbolic messages.
12 Is entirely made of bangles, torcs, rings, anklets, bracelets, and similar worn bands.
13 Includes a hat that’s a cage full of songbirds. A servant follows and wipes the shit dripping out of it and onto their shoulders.
14 Is embroidered with écorché of the body beneath.
15 Is a coat of jade scales so heavy that a train of servants trail the noble beneath it to bear its weight.
16 Is made of reptile leather, a different animal’s skin for each item.
17 Is a wearable ossuary of their ancestors’ bones.
18 Is a tapestry depicting their family history worn like a toga.
19 Incorporates a mask which resembles their liege’s face printed on a coin.
20 Was once solid white, but has been artfully stained with many colours of fruit juice.

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